photo copyright crowolf published under a creative commons license kindly granted.
These 2 ignominiously go together - Alcoholism and Death. Just after Jane's mini-binge (believe me it was a very minor binge by her standards) of about 20 hours she felt, as usual, suicidal. Jane always feels huge remorse and regret after a binge.
She feels bad about letting herself down and bad about messing me around (although it wasn't that bad to be honest - it did though mess up what could have been some time together, which we are lacking at the moment due to work).
Jane really does genuinely feel suicidal after a binge. But I must say I don't think she'll ever do it. She hasn't got the courage - I know that sounds horrendously cruel etc etc but this blog is about the plain truth unvarnished. It takes courage to kill yourself and a lots of despair. Jane has the one but not the other.
Anyway to get more positive. We had a little talk and I in my usual style, mentioned the great sports stars of today. It doesn't matter what sport they always "take the positive" out of a negative situation. They take the good from the bad and build on it remaining positive. This is the only way to go forward. And we must go forward otherwise killing yourself is the only alternative.
So, Jane had a short binge of 20 hours. She recovered just in time for work (had to go to work on public transport because she would failed a breath test and been a hazard to other road users).
She also has resolved afresh to go to AA more frequently and even went for a run. Yes, we're taking the positive and moving forward. She also mentioned my darling cat (I wish Jane could be more like my cat!). She said she couldn't kill herself as my cat would miss her.
Alcoholism and death are bed fellows but not this time around. Show her the light please of a normal life.............
Death comes to an alcoholic in many different ways. It need not be due to alcoholic poisoning or damage done to the body by alcohol. It can and frequently is an accident such as falling over onto a hard surface. Jane does that frequently when drunk.
It can be walking into traffic when out buying some more booze. Or it can be medical negligence in hospital. As an alcoholic you invariably end up in hospital a lot (compared to "normal" people). And once in hospital anything can happen. Alcoholics lie and deceive doctors. They misdiagnose. They operate for the wrong reasons and so on. There is a real potential for death in hospital.
Jane has had pancreatitis a few times which is life threatening. And she nearly died after an appendix operation that should never have happened as it was a mistaken diagnosis. The pain was caused by the alcohol not the appendix! Alcohol and death or serious injury go together nicely.
Alcoholism and Death to a post about the short binge discussed above
My alcoholic ex-husband who I have known for 36 years passed away the other day. He started drinking at age 13 and was 49 at the time of his death. Thats a lot of years to torture the body with vodka! Chronic Alcoholism is listed as the cause of death. We were married for a very long time and divorced for an equal amount of time. He often would come back home to live because he had no where else to go and I couldn't stand the thought of him being homeless and living on the streets. He tried many, many times to stop the drinking only to start in again. He stopped drinking about 2 months before his death but had started back up again the week of his death. Of course he thought that no one knew that he was drinking again... He was found passed out. The coroner has said that he passed away while he was passed out, approximately 24 hours before he was found. He often said that his drinking was not hurting anyone.....if only he could see now how much me, our children and our grandchildren are hurting now!! The worst part of it is that his worst fear came true...he was afraid of dying all alone. I know that he never thought that this would happen to him, but it did. How very, very sad for all of us that are left here to deal with the tragedy that alcoholism has caused us.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very late response. Alcoholics are selfish. They hurt very much those who love them. They fail to really grasp this simple fact. Thanks for commenting. I wish you the best of luck.
DeleteThe night is the worst for me, even now thats it been 6mnths since his was found dead. He died from upper GI (stomach) bleeding due to chronic alcohol abuse.
ReplyDeleteI'l give you a little history behind us. I met him on-line playing Backgammon and then started talking all nite long for a year before I moved to where he lived. It was great at first!! Whenever he was sober was the greatest time we had. ( most of the family get togethers where planned ahead of time so he could detox...so that way they didn't know) I have seen him go through the "shakes" from not having his vodka. At times he would drink up to a gallon in a day. I would come home and he would be passed out with a cig in his hand (lit)..or even drive (going to the gym?). He kept promising it would be the last time. When my life came so close to ending while he was driving...thats when I said enough!! I moved out of state after a 6yrs relationship. He was soooo drunk that day. I spoke to him on the phone shortly after and he said he was healthy and had stopped smoking. All of the sudden there was no communications for about a week and then I get an e-mail from his family asking what is going on. I was the one who called the police to go and check on him. I feel sooo overwhelmed with guilt thinking that if I hadn't moved out he would still be alive. I ask myself daily "did he call out for me those last minutes knowing that he was dying...did he plead for me to forgive him?" The guilt is soo bad. I feel lonely and that there is no one who knows how I feel. I miss him sooo much. I wish there was a way that my pain can help in anyway. sweetlady43@gmail.com
I hope you are okay now. Please don't feel guilty. Please don't. You are a good person. You could not help what he did to himself. He hurt you emotionally. Alcoholics are very selfish. They cause a lot of emotional hurt. Please try and move on. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMy brother passed away a few weeks ago. He had been drinking from an early age. He was 51. He died alone and I found him.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a difficult couple of decades and I am devastated.
The truth is that we lost my brother many years ago because the alcohol took him away, but we always hoped he would find his way back. He tried several times to get better. Now he never will.
RIP, my bro'
Last comment: I am sorry to hear your story. Good luck to you. I hope Jane survives me. Life seems very hard sometimes and rather pointless.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 26 years passed away on July 1 at age 59. He had a brain hemerage caused by cirosis of the liver. He leave behind a two boys who have just started college and myself his wife. We knew he drank but he had just in May determined to go to detox. Lost his job, then everything started going into a tail spin. never in my throughts did I think he was at the point of death due to the alcohol. He was scheduled to go into a 30 day program the following day. I got the call in the middle of the night he was in the emergency room and leaned he had a hemerage of the brian and their wa nothing they could do. The altopsy ruled it as a hemerage caused by severe cerosis of the liver. Caused by alcahol abuse. It make no sense to me that he did not want to see his boys grow up and graduate from college, get married and live to see his grandchildren. I feel robbed of our senior years. I will have to face a financial burden of handling everthing on my own. Not much insurance money, Social Security no longer pays out anything for children in school over the age of 19. Missed it by one year. We are left in a financial bind. However, I do beleive god will provide. I am sad, mad and shocked that he is no longer with us. It was a fast and painless death. That I understand could have been the opposite with years of suffering. God rest his sole and all others with the horrible disease.
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. My condolences. I wish you and your children the best of luck for the future.
ReplyDeleteYes, this disease kills and it creeps up on alcoholics. It destroys the body and the mind.
I hope your story inspires just one alcoholic to fight a bit harder to stop.
Yesterday I attended the funeral of someone I grew up with. We lived next door to each other as kids. As adults, he and his wife and two children and my husband, daughter and myself lived next door to each other again. His alcoholism caused him to lose his job, his wife and his children. The last time I saw him was 5 years ago. After the funeral, his brother and I spoke and he said no one truly knew how horrible his life had been for the last five years except for him and his sister. Unfortunately, they can now rest easy at night, since they will no longer be waiting for the dreadful phone call they received last week! He just turned 47 years old on 07/10/10. RIP in friend!
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. Thank you for reinforcing the message. God, it is so sad.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband of 8 years was and of course still is an alcoholic and also had major issues with on-line poker. His addictions made him an immensely selfish man and he lived totally devoid from reality. He initially was a binge drinker (according to previous lodgers of his in his twenties) prior to me meeting him and then drunkeness was daily, falling asleep in his chair often with a cigar lit and in his hand. Too many vehicles to count were damaged on the return from pubs. His indebtedness (unbeknown to me) spiralled out of control. Not able to get a job he carried on a failing small self-trading business at home and ran up a variety of debts including mortgage debts to over a £1million. I am left with a home with negative equity, he concealed a re-possession order, he used my identity to fraudently gain money from a bank to the value of £30k, he stole electronically from my private bank account - his alcoholism made him completely infertile and he continually suffered gastro problems. His alcoholism made him narcissistic and lazy. I am left unable to get a mortgage, working some 2.5 hours from my home with a house I cant sell and in negative equity. I have had individuals and un-licensed debt collectors threatening me in my home and place of work to pay his debts. He went bankrupt and did two spells in re-hab (one in the UK and one very expensive one in Africa) and he is now back in the UK, a discharged bankrupt and has left a wave of debt and damage behind him. I will be interested to see if at 43 he will recover. I think unlikely, he lives intermittently with his sister and his father despite a good public school education he seems too far removed to still get a job or hold on to the normal things that structure a normal life and make it so great. Alcoholism is so destructive for others, not just the alcoholic and more should be done to demonstrate this in schools so children are educated at any early age.
ReplyDeleteMom was 57, I'm 25. She was all I ever had in the world and I was all she had left.
ReplyDeleteLast March I sat in the hospital for 10 days with her listening to the doctors say that this was it, she was going to die. I thought during those days that I was the only person ever who had to watch their mom die of alcohol induced cirrohsis. A lady commented in an earlier post that she was glad her husband died quickly of a brain hemmorage and didnt suffer for years. Mom suffered for four year with the cirrohsis. Her body ate itself and there was nothing I could do. Im happy for that lady in a way. Its the most awful, disgusting and saddest thing I have ever seen or heard of. The feeling of hopelessness is unbearable.
I went to AlAnon about 5 years ago but haven't been back since. I decided today that Im going to go to a meeting tonight and was directed to this page when I was looking online for AlAnon links.
I've spent 6 months trying to pretend like everything is OK and all it is doing is ruining my life.
Im glad and sad that there are others like me. Mom found recovery through death and Salvation. I hope we all can find it on Earth first.
i was with the father of my 5 year old daughter for about 6 years, finally leaving when she was 1 1/2 years old because i didn't want her to grow up in that environment. we've maintained a civil relationship, and while she lives with me, she has spent a lot of time with her father, and has grown very close to him. over the summer, he has deteriorated drastically, having hallucinations, seeming addled, and turning a terrible shade of yellow due to jaundice. as he got worse, i limited her time with him, because he was getting unpredictable. now he is in the hospital with a swollen liver, pancreatitis, fluid in the abdomen, etc. the hospital visit is due to a fight with his brother, so his face is horribly disfigured--i can't take my daughter to see him even though he may die in the hospital, it would result in nightmares forever for her. and i absolutely hate him because of this. my poor girl doesn't understand why she can't see her dad. god, i hate him.
ReplyDeleteOn Wednesday 22nd September, I found the father of my 11 year old son dead in bed as a result of chronic alcoholism. He has had such a long battle with alcoholism and it's so tragic. Last september he completed a three month rehabilitation programme, moved into a beautiful new house in May and started having contact with our son again. Underneath it all though, he was suffering from the deepest, blackest depression and tried to hide it until it was impossible any longer. He started drinking again, completely isolated himself from everyone and drank himself to death in the space of three months. Although we have not been a couple for several years, we were extremely close and kept in contact everyday. It's fair to say that he was my best friend in this world and knew me inside out. I am just devastated and can't help blaming myself. I could have done more, should have been there for him, understood his depression. I feel like a part of me has died too
ReplyDeleteMy twin brother, 53, is right now in hospital bleeding internally. He is at the end stages of alcoholism and I am devastated. He thought he had "broken his leg.." I told him that he was bleeding, that was not a break. He was sooo angry at the hospital b/c he indeed is bleeding internally. He has had bleeding in his esophogaus, three times. Now in his stomach. His liver is shot. Does anyone know how long he has? I am thinking in terms of days, not months..so sad
ReplyDeleteI just found out this morning that my sister-in-law (or ex-SIL) died last night from liver failure. She was had been in a coma for a couple of days and they disconnected the machinery that was keeping her alive. She was 46. My brother had her got a divorce a couple of years ago when he and his two girls couldn't handle her drinking. Apparently when they went to the hospital to see her before she died the most upsetting things for the kids was the 80 lb bag of flesh hooked up to the ventilator. They had seen the inevitable end coming for years, so the death in and of itself wasn't the most shocking thing, it was seeing what she had become in the few months since they had seen her last. So tragic.
ReplyDeleteHi...my response to last comment. I am the person who wrote this sad blog. Thanks for the comment, which is very poignant. As I write this Jane is drunk in bed surrounded by her mess. She will be drunk over Christmas and I will be gone next spring. Alcoholism is totally destructive. I must leave her as she kills me. This blog will then be closed and a piece of history.
ReplyDeleteMy sister died last month. She too, was an alcoholic. Our family was so proud of her 10 year sobriety, unfortunately it ended 2 years ago. She was a wonderful woman, who masked her depression with alcohol. Her death was sad and tragic. She was brought to the hospital because she was hallucinating, slipped into a coma, and never regained consciousness. Her liver failed, then her kidneys, heart, and finally everything else. Now we are faced with all of the guilt that goes with loving an alcoholic. I loved her and will miss her terribly.
ReplyDeleteMy fiance just died of alcoholism. He was very young. There is not much to say except that alcoholism is a serious and deadly thing. All of the symptoms from stomach pains, frequent hospital visits, forgetfullness, anger, irrational behavior, ... its just sad. My heart is broken. I realize I could not have loved him enough. If you have an alcoholic in your life, make sure that you at least let them know there is help available. And get help for yourself. My future with this man is now gone. I would not wish this pain on anyone.
ReplyDeleteI have lived with an alcoholic for over 22 years. I am now at the point of wondering how much more I can take before I get sick from going through so much stress. It is AWFUL!!
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband is alive and totally self-absorbed and manipulative. He is an alcoholic and has been one since about age 13. We have an 11 year old daughter who he really has no contact with, except when his mother forces him to come see her. I have been reading about stage 4 alcoholism and he is there. I am thinking that I need to cease letting him have contact w/ our daughter as he is such an asshole around her. She has learning difficulties and is special needs. I am so angry as I am expected to be so understanding and sympathetic toward him, but he doesnt give a rats ass about finding solutions to our daughters problem. That is all on me. I do hate him. I can't believe I ever wasted any time with him. Yet I hate myself for feeling sorry for him, guilty about him. I have tried al-anon but you repeat your guilt,your pain your disappointment over and over again. All I get back is that I have no control over the drinking and it isnt my fault. I already know that bit and repeating all of the failures is not helpful. My mom died eight months ago and she was really my main moral support. So I am adrift and hating him for living. I cant wait till the son of a bitch is dead. My Mom should be alive now. She wanted to live and his stupid ass is chasing death down. I hate him most for that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these poignant and sad comments. God, they hurt to read. I know exactly how people feel.
ReplyDeleteI am leaving Jane. Yes, it is finally happening. I'm moving out. I'll make a post about it shortly.
It is impossible to live with an alcoholic unless you are one yourself and I am not!
It is a totally destructive addiction that eats away at every aspect of the alcoholic's life until it takes the life in death.
My partner died from alcoholism five months ago aged thirty two. He was the love of my life but drinking ate him alive. In the end he drank daily and hated wot drink had done to him and his life. Life with him was hard but he was my soul mate and i would give anything to have him back. At least he is out of his torment. Al anon talks of tough love but for some people there is no rock bottom and death comes first. I made the choice that was right for me to stay with him. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that some people cannot recover from
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. I am the author of this site.
ReplyDeleteWell done for staying with him. My brain has told me to get out. If I stay with Jane I will go down with her I feel.
The victim of an alcoholic can suffer mental damage. It is tough even when you love the alcoholic.
But if the "victim" (the partner of the alcoholic) can stand all the nonsense and rubbish that goes with living with an alcoholic then it is OK for both parties. That said I don't think anyone cannot be affected negatively by living with an alcoholic.
Your story is sad. Him dying at 32.
im a 45 year old man in rehab right now as we speak for alcoholism.teen challenge is the name of this place. i believe god gave me one last chance, my name is dean... please pray for me
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. I pray that you get through this and keep it under control. Please do that. You are on the planet once and human life is precious despite being a pain in the butt sometimes.
ReplyDeleteMake the most of life. Good Luck.
My brother is 66 and lives far away. His wife shielded him from my parents and me for many years, even though he worked in my parents' business. My mother was told by my sister-in-law not to come by, unless invited. They have three grown children, and two granddaughters, and my parents and I were not a part of their lives at all due to this shielding. After my father died nearly three years ago, I learned that my brother is an alcoholic, when he was hospitalized. My guess is Dad's death was too much for my brother to deal with, and he went on a long bender. He ran the family business into the ground, and they ran up huge debts, then fled far away where hopefully the creditors wouldn't find them. I haven't been in contact with them for years. But this week, his wife called to say his life was drawing to a close, and would I let my mother know? My mother is 90, and while she is in great shape, this news is devastating. The alcoholism was carefully hidden for so many years. Once my parents retired, it surfaced, and there were rumors that he was drinking. And now it has come to this. So profoundly sad - what a waste; so many wasted years for my family - nothing even close to normal. We attributed the distance as greed over the business, but I think the alcohol played a very large part in it. I know the situation there is ugly; that he is nasty and belligerent, so I don't want to travel to even witness the scene, let alone be on the receiving end of the aggression - from him, or from his wife. I am sad that they have put the whole family in this position; it is too late to do anything to repair the damage done, either to the family or to his body. It is now a painful waiting game.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I came upon this blog; it lets me know that my mother and I are not alone; so very very sad, heartwrenching. They should do something more for public awareness of alcoholism - and its ugliness; not just for the alcoholic, but for everyone who loves them.
my name is dean. i posted a comment above on march the 15th. i have been an alcoholic for the past 30 years and am finishing my 9th month at a rehab in sanford fla called teen challenge. since i have been here the craving and desire to drink has never left me. i have prayed over and over everyday that the lord would take this terrible burden away from me but figured that this desire for alcohol will forever be a thorn in my side. on march the 17th i went on my three day pass and stayed with my daughter in lakeland fla. on my first night there i couldnt sleep and went for a walk by myself down the main street with money in my pocket. as i walked past all of the bars and stores i suddenly realized that there was something different about me.... my desire for alcohol was gone!!!! i walked into a gas station and bought a sunny delight and a snickers bar!!!! THIS WAS A MIRACLE!!!!!! for the first time in 30 years i was free from the prison chains of alcohol and it felt wonderful!!! anyone who ever knew me would never think this would be possible and neither did i!!!! the lord does answer prayer!!!! what was impossible for me is possible with him!!!! i believe and trust that he has freed me forever and that i can now pursue a new sober life in christ!!!!! as i walked down that street i sang praise and thanks unto him!!!! i havent felt such a beautiful feeling of joy like that as far as i can remember. to all of those who prayed for me---THANKYOU!!!! i graduate from teen challenge june 26 and look forward to my new sober life in my saviour jesus christ. if he can do this for a drunk like me he will do it for anyone!!!! IM FREEEE!!!
ReplyDeleteMy dear brother, age 41, died last month from the use of alcohol and the combination of anti anxiety pills.We had no idea his alcoholism was so bad. He hid it well. My mom found him dead in his apartment. It was sudden and unexpected and we are all devastated and consumed with heartwrenching guilt. Why didn't we pay more attention, why didn't we see it, why weren't we trying to help find solutions instead of constantly criticizing him. We're traumatized he's gone. I still find myself worrying about him when my mind wanders and then I have to remind myself that "my god I don't have to worry he's going to kill himself anymore, he's done it" There is nothing good about his death, no way any of us looks at it, not a single fragment.
ReplyDeleteMy mum is 51 years old, and we are expecting a call any moment that she has passed away. She only started drinking excessively in her late 30's. Her second marriage failed at the time, and she had depression, leading her to drink. My mum was the 'hot mum' at school - she was gorgeous, intelligent and vibrant. She is now unrecognisable. A pale skeletal corpse, with urinary and fecal incontinence, no money, no friends, who is frequently bashed and found in parks or on the streets. She has a home in a government-funded complex, but constantly leaves in search of alcohol. She has been to various rehabilitation centres over the years but lapses shortly after she is released. I'm being encouraged to try and get a Justice Examination Order so that she can be assessed involuntary for mental disease, but frankly, I've lost all hope that it will change the path she is on. I just want to be there to hold her when she passes, but I know that in reality she will die alone. I love her with all of my heart, and am going to make sure that this disease doesn't define her existence. This has been such a long, tumultuous journey for us, her three children and for mum. I just want peace for her, and for us, now. I love you mum xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. It is a beautiful but terribly sad comment. And it shows how traumatic it is for family if one is an alcoholic. Life is a kind of hell for the "victim of the alcoholic" as you feel helpless but want desperately to help as you love the person. This creates a friction and frustration and mental anguish. I can feel what you are feeling right now and I sincerely hope you find peace soon.
ReplyDeleteMy mum died Dec. 23rd 2010 from alcoholism. In summer 2008 she started to get bad and it all went downhill from there... I was 22 when she died. She didn't make my graduation or get to hold her grandson (my nephew) because she was so weak. I tried everything, getting her to counselling, AA, the doctors, calling ambulances against her will, getting her admitted to hospital. In the final few months I honestly did come to the true conclusion that it was her life to live how she saw fit and I'd support her whatever she decided to do or not to, and made it clear to her she should never feel guilty for putting us through anything cos we're adults and capable of looking after ourselves.
ReplyDeleteShe got so weak she couldn't stand up or walk, refused food, then got pneumonia. Her body was, by that point, too weak to fight it. We got a call at 6am asking us to get to the hospital as she was rushed into the High Dependency Unit, put on a ventilator so her body had time to try and react to the antibiotics. She didn't anyway, and four days later they took the oxygen away, she died 26 hours later. Her organs just all shut down, and she may have had brain damage from the lack of oxygen. It was really the hardest thing I've ever witnessed seeing her swell up and stop breathing like that, knowing that she couldn't speak and our last conversation was about her hallucinating on morphine back on the ward a week earlier.
Despite all this she was incredible, she always tried not to let us get dragged down in it and would never come to me to tell me she was ill again or what was going on as she wanted me to go and live my own life irregardless of her addiction. It's a fine line, really... on one hand you sometimes need to just wipe your hands of a person to save your own sanity, stop killing yourself trying to get them better because only they can do it. But when someone finally does die, if you had cut them out completely the guilt could be horrendous. I miss her, so much, she gave me so much and I wouldn't wish the last few years of her life upon anybody.
I'm volunteering now in a rehabilitation unit within a prison to help other addicts get their own lives back on track. And still getting over losing my mum each day.
I forgot to say.. she was 57. A lot of people came to the funeral to say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteOh and that's the thing... she went from a beautiful, curvaceous woman with a partner, a job, a beautiful house, interests and a love of music and literature, to a pale, skeletal shadow of a person who changed in almost every way. Only almost, though. She still retained her strength and selflessness.
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. A fine and beautiful comment full of love and sadness. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletemy mum died 3 weeks ago. she was a very bad alcoholic to the point i was nearly taken away by social services. it led to her depression but she also had Korsakoff's syndrome. she went missing, while I (i'm 16 ) my little sister who is 11 and my dad and my late mother where on holiday. she went missing and we were later informed she drowned herself. she put me through hell and killed herself just in time for my G.C.S.E's. i dont know whether to be angry, upset or guilty. however i feel a lot of relief. i can finaly find some stability.
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. I feel for the hell that you have been through. I am pleased that the hell is over to a major extent.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. Good luck with your GCSEs.
My husband died suddenly 7 months ago while he was recovering from his final bout of binge drinking. We found him sitting on his bed, hands behind his head and eyes half-open the next morning. There were no warnings, nothing much different about this binge than his previous ones, there were no suicide notes, and there was no good-bye. I never had the chance to hold his hand and tell him how much he was loved.
ReplyDeleteThe past 5 years were spent calling ambulances in time before alcoholic poisoning killed him. But this time when I passed his bedroom that night, he looked as if he was watching tv. I apparently had said goodnight to a corpse that evening as I worked late and was tired.
He was always in a deep depression and spoke of suicide while binge drinking, but once sober he carried on as normal. I'll never know whether this was a successful suicide attempt, or the result of alcoholic poisoning, or a final heart attack or stroke that killed him. He had a triple by-pass heart operation 8 years prior that was successful, but had episodes of mini-strokes since then. The doctors didn't do an autopsy, but attributed his death to a heart arrythmia, and possible stroke due to alcoholism.
We were together 40 years, I was 16 when we met. We loved each other deeply. I knew there was nothing I could do to save him from himself. Each year during this final phase of alcoholism, a little more of him died, replaced by a shell of nothingness that once held my soul in his heart. I still cry anytime I think of him as if he passed yesterday.
Response to last comment. Thank you. It made my eyes fill up because it is both sad and beautiful. You were tremendously loyal. You truly loved him. It must have been so hard sometimes though.
ReplyDeleteI received a phone call June 2 that my father, who I have not seen in 20 years, is in the hostipal in a coma. He has had a drinking problem for the last 25 years of his life. On June 2 he had been drinking with a his roommate and had an alcohol induced heart attack. His blood alcohol level was a 5.3, and no I don't mean a .53, but a 5.3. I had the doctor repeat that to me three times to make sure I had heard him right. When the EMTs got to the house, his heart had stopped. The EMTs revived him, but there was significate damage to his brain. This morning our family has decided to let him go.
ReplyDeleteI want someone to read this and realize it is a warning. This man has left the world at the early age of 53 and left with no relationship to his daughter or son. His first grandchild will never know who he is.
I just lost my best friend and fiance due to chronic Alcohol Abuse, he was 43 years old. I thought at first he was a "social" drinker as he was a Law Enforcement Officer and highly recognized. I moved in with him and he had a episode or two of Alcohol Rage...I truly felt the effects of these episodes but he was so loving and remorseful and loved me dearly so I would forgive and stay. On April 25 2011 he woke up and wasn't feeling well, he went back to lay down and started vomiting blood. I had to call EMS and his Sargent and zone partner were the first to the house. The EMT's asked me if he drank allot and I had to admit he did...I was the caregiver in the house. I would cook, clean, and made sure he ate before passing out for the night, this went on for the year previous to this event. I truly loved him as he was a wonderful, caring, giving man when he was drunk. he had just retired two months before his death and I had begun to really notice how much it was affecting our lives. I was beginning to start plans to call off the engagement and move on with my life as I was overwhelmed with caring for a grown man not a child (my son is 19). Michael died that day as he was also a diabetic and his sugar, blood clotting, liver, and vomiting of blood could not be fixed or cured by Doctors. I now see what denial I was in, but everytime I would say something about his drinking he would become angry and go to friends houses and get his drunk on. I am also feeling the guilt of not being able to "fix" him and am devastated at my lose. Even if I had left, I loved him and didn't expect it all to result in his death at 43. There were warning signs I just choose to ingore them and take care of him the best way I knew how. I am angery, hurt, devastated and sad at "what might have been" if the beer didn't mean more to him than me. He was a 18 pack a day beer drinker.
ReplyDeleteMeant to say "when he was not drunk" in the above comment
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. Your feelings and emotions are, it seems, typical of carers of alcoholics.
ReplyDeleteHe probably hated himself for being alcoholic and denied it to defend himself. When you address alcoholism to alcoholics who have not accepted it they defend themselves fiercely.
The beer didn't mean more to him that you. But for an alcoholic it is an addiction and that takes first priority when the call comes to drink.
Thanks for a wonderfully tender comment that contributes to understanding alcoholism.
I posted on here a while back, i lost my partner aged 32 to alcohol. Its now been a little over nine months and the pain has not got any easier. The guilt is horrific, there were times when he was drunk and abusive i just never wanted to see him again, i wanted him out of my life for good, but now he is i would do anything to bring him back. I used to think if he loved me enough he would stop drinking, and lying about drinking, then i thought if i loved him enough he would stop. If i could show him what he meant to me it would be the antidote to hisdrinking. I even thought if he could love himself more he would stop. But over years i realised it was nothing to do with love. He loved me dearly, of that there was no doubt. Alcohol claimed him as its own. He didnt have it in him to stop, and i dont understand it. Was it a weakness, was it a disease, was it selfishness? Yet to be selfish you have to gain something and he lost everything. He tried so many times to stop, he hated drinking it was physically painful for him to do so, yet still he continued. I was isolated in an alcoholic's world an logic while he was alive and now i am isolated in his death. I loved him so much i just cant understand how drink could have taken him, how helpless everyone is to help people like him. Life with him was hard, as every partner knows, but death is even harder.
ReplyDeleteI was married to an alcoholic for 23 years. I didnt realise he was an alcoholic when I married him. Then his drinking was in the early stages of alcoholism. After a spell in rehab, and discovering AA he had ten years drink free. He stopped going to the AA meetings and started drinking again in 2005, from then on the drinking got worse, his behaviour was verbally abusive. I lived in fear of him, his behaviour was erratic and unpredictable. Most nights I spent with relations as I could not sleep with him in the same house. He had brought guns in the house, had knives, poured paraffin on my carpet and threatened to burn the house down. With alanon and counselling, I found the strength to separate and stop enabling. I told him he could come round to the house if he got help and stopped drinking. He stopped for 2 months, re started and it all kicked off again, with his behaviour becoming more irrational and mainupalitive. I was forced to change my phone number and back off for my own sanity. I was warned by his alcohol counsellor he was becoming aggressive towards me and advised to not go around to see him. Also the police came and told me he was threatening to come and smash my windows in and I should keep away. So I was unable to sleep for fear. I backed off and had no contact for a week. It was his birthday on July 3rd, and 2 days after that in 2010, the police came around and told me he had been found dead in his house. He had gone into a coma as his blood sugar levels had dropped due to no food and binge drinking. The guilt and pain that I backed off and didnt go round there are something I have to live with. Rationally I know I could have gone round and he could have been violent. It was a no win situation, and ultimately I had to do what was right for me at the time, but one year on and the pain doesnt get any less, and the guilt is still there. Alcoholism wants to destroy everyone in its path, but I am trying to be strong and move on. My thoughts are with everyone out there who has had to cope with the death of their loved ones due to alcoholism. It is hell to live with them and hell to live with the pain after their loss.
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you, thank you to everyone for sharing. Just over a month ago, my ex-boyfriend died from alcoholism and his related addictions. I have been feeling so alone, until I found this blog.
ReplyDeleteIt's really unbelievable to me how many people responded to the original post. I would like to say to the blogger that I think you are doing the right thing in leaving your girlfriend.
By staying, you are just enabling her. In the last week of his life (Graham was 47 years old), Graham realized that I was right to fear for his life and to not tolerate his drinking. He realized that he acted out of love and that he had to stop what he was doing or the end of his life was near. He just couldn't control himself.
Everyone in Graham's life enabled him: the people who loaned him money, the people who drank with him... This shut me out of the grieving process, even though Graham and I were still in communication up until the last week of his life. His family made me feel guilty for "abandoning" him, whether or not that was their intention, and they excluded me from everything they were doing. His friends wanted to drink in his memory. I tried to be around them, but that didn't work out very well either.
Now, I have trouble leaving the house. Everywhere I go, things remind me of him. I'm leaving the province to go be with my family and I am still hoping the pain will get less.
Finding all of these stories and seeing how many other people have experienced this too means so much to me. Reading your stories makes me feel more like I did the right things for Graham and loved him the best that I could and in the ways that could have been the most helpful to him.
Thank you.
I found out two days ago that my alcoholic ex-husband died. He was found brain dead & of a heart attack. My step son called to tell me. Thought I would want to know even though his dad & I were divorced 5 yrs ago. All I could think to say was, "I'm sorry for you" & to give him advice on what to do next & that he is strong enough to handle it. My ex was a jerk. When sober, a dry drunk, when drunk, mean as hell. To top it off I found out very recently that he used to watch my daughter dress when I was at work & he beat the hell out of my son. So, why should I care a damn that he's gone? Yet, I find myself questioning, am I a bad person for feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 6 years since J & I split. Progression of his alcoholism destroyed our relationship. I stayed 2 years longer than I should have, things would get better, then they would get worse. I was like an addict, waiting for the man I fell in love with to return. I was at a very low point in my life, having just lost my kid sister to cancer, among other things, I so longed for J to return. He was intelligent, charming, funny, kind, I loved this man very much. On our first date I fell in love with him, he was my soul mate, we were together almost a decade. Watching the disease take over was like watching someone you love die of cancer. I did both. Long after our split I kept tabs on where he was, always hopeful he would seek and find recovery. He did not. He met someone a few months after our split, a drinking buddy. They eventually married but it didn't last. Funny thing, I never gave any merit to things he did after our split. He was a complete and utter mess, lost his job of 8 years due to a binge, to me it was clear.. he was going to die, and he did. 4.5 years after we parted ways I learned that he died of chirrhosis, a terrible death. It has been 1 year and 3 months since I learned of this. I have struggled through and survived much in my life, including most recently breast cancer, but none of this compares to the pain of losing J. First to the drink, then to death caused by the drink. I have yet to involve myself seriously with another man though loneliness settles in, but I compare all to him. I wanted to spend my life with him but the last six months we were together, things declined to a point where I didn't really know who he was anymore. Addiction sucks. Losing someone you love to addiction... well for me, it's the hardest thing I've been thru in my life, The if only's, the unanswered questions, the need (and rightfully so) to take care of ourselves and for me, it was about saving myself... leads later to guilt, to more unanswered questions, to more pain. It is hard to move on from such horrific truths. There was no closure for me. It did come however after his passing and that is a story for another time. I think I have accepted and then I find myself disbelieving or fighting the truth. As bad as his addiction was, I find the world a much sadder place without him, today is one of those days when I can't shake off the past. Tomorrow will be easier. I think to myself at times, how can you still mourn for him? But I am and I do. I doubt the missing will ever stop, it hasn't with my sisters death. I have learned to not talk of this with people who have never been thru this, it only serves to perpetuate more pain. I wish for all who have been in love with, married to, parents or children of, etc an alcoholic, and all that it entails, a safe haven for your thoughts and feelings,and somehow peace. There is only 3 possible endings to an alcoholic..institution, death or recovery. My J sadly ended in death at the age of 46, the day after his bday.
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. It is beautiful and gut wrenchingly sad. But so true. Is it that the good guys become alcoholics because life sucks too much for the good ones, the true ones?
ReplyDeleteI don't know, but I do know I have known many good guys who are alcoholics. In J's case, I do believe he was judged unmercifully (or that is how he felt) by his parents. I am not a psychiatrist, but I believe that played a part in his drinking. On one level he had self worth, confidence, but on another it was very fragile. I know that when he was sober (when we met) he was very sensitive. I loved this about him, but I think, like you said.... life gets so hard, man there are times I want to drink or drug away my consciousness to dull the pain. I believe he did that with alcohol. Alcohol gave him an escape. I don't know why some recover and some don't. Some believe they are "chosen". I wish he was one who did. After I learned of his death I went to visit his parents, his father had nothing good to say about him, which upset me tremendously. More judgement even in death. I realize he was angry, it is part of grieving, but for me sitting there, listening... and also defending him, I have to say I was repulsed and it became clearer to me the harsh judgement that J had to overcome, and didn't. This affected how he felt about his self at his core. In the end he didn't let his parents know he was dying, he didn't say goodbye. He wasn't alone, which I am grateful for. I mean not to blame his parents for his addiction, I just don't think they helped it. I know they didn't. But they, too, are left without their son. It's all so very sad.
ReplyDeleteThree weeks ago I lost my baby sister as a result of her alcoholism. She had drifted out of our lives a couple of years ago and I honestly never realized how bad things were. Looking back, I suspect that she had been having trouble with alcohol for several years, but was always "functional." She went through a rough divorce and apparently began drinking heavily and really shut her family out. I feel such a tremendous amount of guilt because I don't feel like I was there for her. I wish I had tried to reach her more instead of just thinking she was being selfish and careless. She was only 34 years old. She drove herself to the hospital the night before she died - apparently she had a major bleeding episode. Ultimately, the bleeding got worse at the hospital and eventually caused her to have a heart attack. She wasn't able to be revived. I didn't find out until after she had passed away, and I feel horrible thinking of her dying alone and scared. The worst thing for me, besides the guilt, is not wanting people to only remember her as an alcoholic. She was a beautiful person who, unfortunately, chose a deadly way to deal with what must have been some unimaginable depression. Rest in peace baby sister and know that I love you and will always hold you in my heart!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. Your sister was beautiful. Being addicted to alcohol does not stop that person being a good person. In fact it seems to me that a lot of good and gentle people who find the world intolerable unsurprisingly, turn to alcohol to make it tolerable.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. Please try to not feel guilty. The hurt should not spread.
My partner of 6 years died 6 weeks ago, aged 30. On some levels, he was a kind and wonderful man, and a loving father. Certainly he appeared so to everyone who lived outside our 4 walls. I had no idea he was an alcoholic until 2 years ago when I was home on maternity leave. He wanted to stop. He stopped twice, but always started drinking again. I was still lugging shopping home several blocks on my own at 8 months pregnant, because he wasn't hungry - so why should he help? If I wanted to eat, I should get it myself. Silly example, but shows 'his logic' which he insisted we both live by. I used to find myself just waiting for him to pass out in the evening so I could have some peace and quiet and realign the day in my own head to try to not get sucked into his 'version of reality'.
ReplyDeleteBefore our son was born, the baby was 'my problem'. Once the baby was born, he was 'his son'. So many nights he would be wrenched out of my arms and taken to another room to be with papa, while papa drank. I had to be on my best behaviour in order to be allowed in the room to hover and guard the situation and coax or canoodle the baby away before he slipped to the floor or bore the brunt of swerving into the door frame. All the while agreeing that I was over-protective of the boy and was not a very good mother and didn't really know what I doing.
Our son adored his father. Truely. They lit one another up. They spent most of every day together, shepherded by neighbours and friends who understood the situation. While I worked and ran the house and kept our lives together and barely held my son. I resented my partner. Then I hated him. I was always grumpy. I picked all the fights. I have no family in this country, I barely speak the language, I was the bread-winner, my partner couldn't have held a job and had no access to welfare. I felt trapped - not only by circumstance but the guilt of taking my son from the papa he adored (his 'number 1'), and the guilt of leaving my partnerwith no support, but I had resolved to leave - before the end of the year. I was getting my ducks in a row. He sensed I had emotionally cut myself off. He was paniced. He threatened, raged, pleaded. Hit me twice. Apologised twice. Told me I was nothing without him, would never find someone as good as him. Told me I could leave but could not take our son with me.
I wasn't there when he died. The evening before he passed,I had arrived home to find him shaking in a puddle of urine being dragged to bed by his buddy. My son was there. He was 20months old. He was terrified "papa!!", he cried with fear in his eyes. Something inside me snapped and I scooped up my son and went to a friend's house. I called once that night, to be told he was resting. Then was phoned at 5am the next morning to be told an ambulance was coming, he was vomiting blood. He died before the ambulance arrived. The first time I took a stand, he died. I feel a great deal of guilt, but also relief, then guilt about the relief. My son misses his papa, but a week after being out of that house he started to talk.
His papa was a beautiful man, in a desperate downward spiral. I'm so sad that he probably won't remember the good papa, but might remember the alcoholic mess.
Response to last comment: what a comment! Enjoyed reading it an very sad reading it. Phew. A great comment. They nearly all are on this page.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is in the hospice, dying from drinking. How did this even begin? Should I stay or go? If I'm not there she gets drink in and gets slaughtered in an ugly way. If I am there I have some controll of her comsumtion. Again she's stopped eating, 9 days to date, with only chicken noodle broth as food. Wow, I have never felt so lost, responsible etc. Is her death going to be my fault stay or go? I keep asking me this over and over. She's 27, I'm 39.
ReplyDeleteMy ex-partner was found dead in his flat in stirlingshire scotland on the 12th of aug 2011, he is currently still awaiting a post mortem in dundee to determine the cause of death. stevie was an alcoholic, but i remember the father of my girls now aged 15 and 16 as the best dad these girls could have wished for,he had a drink on a weekend but worked hard all week as a joiner,his drink problem slowly emerged when my girls were 4/5, and he became different with mood swings and then violence, i always took him back because i loved the man he was when he was sober, however i could take no more and moved to england, always keeping in touch and sharing visits in-between the his different relationships. this last month he didnt contact my girls so when my daughter phoned 5 days before he was found he told her he was going to be a dad to his new girlfriend of a few months, she wished him well and he said he loved her,none of us believed him as he was confused and had been drinking.the next i knew was his mother phoning me to say he had been found the police had broken in, he had died sometime after he had another fall out with his new girlfriend and she had left on sunday. he was 41 in april, and has left two girls without a dad, the guilt i feel has been overwhelming, i had to leave him to protect my girls and myself. i offered to take care ofhim last year and he was all set to come when he met a woman in the homeless where he was staying, i keep asking myself why i let him get this way but then remember he had been in a lot of relationships after me yet i have remained on my own. the people who enabled him to drink and who sat with him each day drinking bringing him the drink are the ones who should take this guilt from me, i saved our lives to bring up his two beautifull children in a normal way, they got to see their dad and phone him but they could come away and go back to normality, i sacrificed any other relationship for myself so my girls could be happy, i know the guilt will never fade but i also know that my children have been spared watching their dad drink himself t death, we await the funeral and hope we can get through this and carry on loving the memory of a dad that loved his girls and lost them through drink. we will treasure he good times and erase the bad and stevie will be in our hearts forever xxx
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend of 5 years died on August 24, 2011 from alcohol poisioning. He was 45.
ReplyDeleteThere was never a kinder, more genuine person than him. I loved him deeply and the pain of missing him is profound.
Alcohol took him away...took a beautiful life...a beautiful person.
I am left wondering why? Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I see how bad it was? Why didn't I know more? I am in tatters, broken and lost.
In response to the last two posts, I know the feelings of guilt, the whys and what ifs too. My ex partner passed away on Christmas Eve, from internal bleeding. He rang me to say he didn't feel well and as I knew he was binge drinking I just told him to stop.I so wish now I'd been more sympathetic, told him I loved him one last time. I'd finally managed to stop myself running everytime he called for help and it had been so hard. I'd at last started to believe he'd be safe without me but I was wrong. I now live with the consequences everyday. We do what we can to help but I truly believe there is a moment when we see it's either them or us. Look after yourselves now ladies - we loved, we lost but they are at peace. God Bless x
ReplyDeleteI've been searching the internet and am thankful I ran across this site. I identify with so many comments. An alcoholic puts family/friends in no win situations. I recently buried my only child – a 29 year old daughter. It’s been a roller coaster over the past 12 years – tough love, love, logic, silence, arguments, etc. She was always steadfast – alcohol, anorexia and cutting. I know that I did not cause it, could not control or cure it. I did get her into treatment several times; however, she would refuse to go the course. It was exhausting watching someone I love dig deeper and deeper. Recently she moved home. Her health was so bad, I could not say no. I watched her die. The hardest thing is I keep thinking she did not have to die, if she would have given up the bottle. It makes me sick that alcohol was a higher priority than education, job, family, friends and the love of her life. Bottom line, as many others, I keep thinking I should have been able to do something. A parent is suppose to protect…the grip was too powerful. I feel that I have two different areas of grief, one for the child that I loved so dearly (she really could be wonderful at times – we had several outings and she made some wonderful gestures during the last three weeks) and the second for everything I am going to miss by the loss of an only child. While I have grieved so many things over the past 12 years. . . there was always hope of a turn-around. That hope is gone.
ReplyDeleteMy husband passed away recently. His alcoholism disabled him for several years. I am caught up with the what ifs….the feelings that I did not do enough…I should have done more…the indifference I felt when I did not want an alcoholic to control my life…my anger at him…the feeling that maybe this time he would make the turn.
ReplyDeleteThen I stop and remember the past…there were hundreds of opportunities he ignored or turned down. My asking, pleading and crying did not make a difference…would it have in the future? I will never know, but, he was the one who had to make a decision – not me. He is released from his prison and I am released from mine. I need to learn how to move forward.
For a long time my eldest sister has had a very real problem with alcohol. After over 22 years of trying to help her I was the last out of my family to have contact with her in February.
ReplyDeleteShe was found dead on 9th September and its hit me really hard. For years I tried my best to help her and all I received was abuse from her. Things really could of been so different for her if she has wanted it to be.
I really thought that maybe this time if she had to deal with things she would somehow 'see the light' and try to start rebuilding her life.
I'm not dealing with her death very well and find myself being angry one minute and in tears the next. I think I mourning the sister I had and not the one she had become.
There is alot of things she did that I will never be able to forgive her for. Alcoholism turned my sister into a monster who only cared where the next drink came from and its so sad.
She could of had 4 sisters in her life, but one by one she pushed us all away through her behaviour. The lies, deceit and worst of all stealing a vast amount of money from my mum when she was dying, she couldnt even be bothered to come to my Mums funeral and told relatives myself and my sisters wouldn't let her go. Truth is she didn't come to the hospital once over the 3 years my Mum was ill, or meet us when we asked her to help with the funeral as we all wanted her to be a part of it.
I have 2 wonderful little nieces who won't ever know the person I knew when I was their age, before the drinking became extreme along with the gambling.
My 'real' sister died when the drinking took over her life. Reading about the experiences on this page has helped, but it cannot stop how I feel right now. I guess the anger, guilt and pain will go with time and I know that we did all that we could for her.
Its so sad to know she died alone and we are waiting for an inquest to be completed not to mention the debts of over £25,000 she had left behin.
If only she had picked up the phone and asked for help despite everything we would of been there.
My only child died about six months ago. We had some pretty frank conversations during the few months prior to his death. Chris was nine when his father left with a “I have to make myself happy, I don’t care about anyone else attitude.” Chris’s father left for a life of alcohol and drugs and is currently on his fourth marriage. Due to court visitation requirements and the desire to stay close to his father; Chris endured his father’s roller coaster life, the lies, emotional abandonment, and the abusive people he brought in and out of his life. His father’s life turned horrible quickly, but he hid it from everyone for more than twelve years. However, the children (Chris and her children) were exposed to all of it. As with dysfunctional behavior, it was a secret and Chris wanted to protect me from it. He knew I would attempt to end or limit visitations and he wanted to see his dad.
ReplyDeleteChris was a top student until the first drink. He told me it wasn’t just a taste…it was to get drunk. He always held jobs in high school. Adults at all the jobs, from the grocery store to several restaurants, gave him alcohol during breaks and after work. When I asked why he accepted, the reply was, “it was offered, why would I turn it down”. Listening, I came to realize that his though pattern was skewed. I realized the window was short and had him in counseling and treatment. He was out soon of control. and move out of my house. He lived on his own and supported himself until he was 30. During that time, Chris lived a life he seemed to love. . . it was based around bars socially and for work. During this time, I began to understand the al alon principles; I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.
At 30, Chris came home to die. His life was unmanageable and his body was shot. I don’t know where/how he got the liquor. He continued to drink. He talked about school; but, would drink before class. I got him into treatment. Nothing helped. It’s like he was absolutely missing a “filter” that would make him hit bottom. No matter how bad the consequences were; no education, loss of dreams, loss of friends, loss of the “love of his life”, loss of health, being told that continued drinking would kill him… it did not matter. He took the consequences and said, “what else can I do?” Drinking, in his mind, was his only option. Chris died fifteen months after moving home. I am sorting it out and picking up the pieces.
It has been therapeutic for me to write the story. Thanks for listening.
I believe alcoholics have a dependency that once it is activated, is near impossible to control (no revelation to anyone reading this). Logic is lost and life is out of control. This is not new to anyone who has loved or been exposed to an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteIt’s sad, alcoholism costs everyone so much (employment, health, mental, family issues). I finally got the alcoholic in my life in treatment. She was ushered out in 23 days (a group of new, first day, higher paying clients were coming in). The “tailored” program consisted of lectures, AA meetings and two meetings (one was the exit interview) with her counselor. She said nothing was new or compelling. The desire and thought patterns were still there. They established a aftercare plan with her. They could have saved us time and money, and emailed it to her for what it was worth, since she was not ready.. I believe they let her go knowing she was not ready. This is supposed to be the best program in the state?!?.
The sad thing is, often there is a small window when an alcoholic is willing to get help. To have it wasted is criminal. I realize she was not ready. I have read about programs that deal more with diet, more individual counseling and I go into the what if we would have chosen differently.
I don’t understand, programs for alcoholics (at least in my area) focus on “self control.” With so much lost to alcoholism and the large number of people for whom “self control” does not work, there has to be another way. In the case of diabetes, most diabetics have to use self control when eating; however, insulin is still needed. I believe alcoholism has to be similar. There has to be something either missing or in too much abundance that has to be fixed for many alcoholics to have a chance at sobriety. It’s against all logic to destroy and throw everything away.
I have tried to keep faith that there will be an end to this nightmare, right now I doubt it.
My was an alcoholic and died 4 years ago. I stopped contact with him 11 years ago when I was 16 and the last thing I said to him was "I never want to see you again" the guilt I feel is unbearable. I wish I had of done something to try and help him or told him I loved him. I can't remember ever telling him that. It was my nans funeral the last time I saw him and I was so hurt because his new girlfriend was telling me about how he was going to walk her daughter down the aisle to give her away. I hadn't seen him for a few years before that day. As I was leaving he was drunk urinating up the wall inside a pub we went to after the funeral. When I was younger I had so many good memories of him I loved him so much. It all still so raw I can't think or talk about him without crying. I just wish there's something I could have done. I didn't get to go to his funeral I didn't know he'd died till 4 months after he'd gone. I miss and love you dad RIP xxxx
ReplyDeleteThese posts have helped me so much. The love of my life died 3 weeks ago today. I watched him kill himself and I did not stop it. I know now that he was his own worst enemy and made his own choices. I watched him get so skinny, never eating. Some days he seemed to care about life other days he did nothing but sleep and drink. I held his hand every night and asked him every day if he was ready to go to the hospital. He wanted to die at home and I watched. He was not a mean drunk with me. Our love was just not enough, though. He was an alcoholic years before I met him and at 59 it took its toll.
ReplyDeleteI do not know how I am going to go on.....
Bless you. Your comment is very touching. It affected me. I know exactly how you feel. I wrote this blog. Alcoholics are selfish really. They don't really comprehend how much their behavior affects those who love them. It is as hard being a victim of an alcoholic as it is being an alcoholic. Perhaps harder.
DeletePlease be strong. Be brave and continue. He is in a better place. I feel for you. You are loved by me as a fellow victim. Good luck.