Well, I've come back from the USA to find Jane going through another alcoholic binge and this one is a biggy. Hell fire and damnation, it's big, long and destructive. As I said the flat was a complete dump on my return. I have cleaned up the kitchen, my room and the living room. Tomorrow it's the bathroom. She is in her room sleeping on a pile of filth, junk, plastic bags, mess, vomit, food, more plastic bags, water bottles, empty bottles of Vodka etc. etc....I just close the door behind me and lock her and the mess away. Out of sight out of mind. Almost.
Jane falls out of the bed sometimes and can't get back in. She calls out. I go in with a torch, into the black hole (the lights bulb has been removed and I can't get to the bedside light). I drag her up onto the bed.
She calls out hours upon hours later for "something to eat". I have already bought some rolls from the local baker in preparation for this call. Rolls are good binge food as the food can't be spilled everywhere. I even asked the shop to provide me with a soft roll (less crumbs) and a less messy filling. I suggested cheese. Really safe food. Other than that it's jacket potatoes and that kind of stuff. Anything to try and manage the mess. It'll take about a week to clean up her den. Actually it will never be cleaned up properly; she can't achieve that ever.
I am losing the will to live here. Another alcoholic binge and it is so despairing. So negative. Her life seems a total waste. She said she wanted to die. She doesn't say much when she is semi-comatose, just that sometimes. One of the big worries is her walking to the toilet for a pee. This small action, an oh so normal thing to do could be fatal to her. She falls over very easily, very easily indeed. The floor is hard, very hard and she falls like a sack of potatoes. She could easily kill herself there and then.
Sometimes, I lie in bed and think that she has died. That she has died through alcohol poisoning and is lying there on the mess, cold and blue. That I'll go in to check on her and see her there at peace at last. She'll get what she wants if she dies.......It's just another alcoholic binge, another day, another day in the life of an alcoholic and another entry in the diary of a victim of an alcoholic.
Another Alcoholic Binge to My Alcoholic Partner
Photo: Level Vodka, by hyku published under a creative commons Attribution License