Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Living With An Alcoholic

Here is what it is like Living With An Alcoholic. Whatever a normal relationship might mean, it doesn't exist. It is snuffed out by the dreaded Mr V (vodka). One of the first things that comes to mind is that alcoholics are known to be unreliable and just plain liars. And I am not being critical of alcoholics. I am just describing the facts. Alcoholism drives the alcoholic to lie and deceive. It becomes a way of life. And broken promises abound. Promises to change and stop. These are all well intentioned but can never be kept until the alcoholic is what AA calls a recovering alcoholic. Recovering alcoholics are alcoholics who are able, for the time being, to control their alcoholism. It is as good as it can get for them and their partner. So living with an alcoholic is a very fragile existence, the relationship always undermined by a breach of trust or a potential breach of trust.

Then there are the rows. These occur during the binge drinking or continuous drinking (if the alcoholic is a trickle drinker). If you are a non-alcoholic and your partner is the alcoholic you'll be an unpaid carer and that wears thin after a while. And if it is true that alcoholics are childlike and have never grown up, you'll be a father or a mother as well as a partner. And you'll get to know a lot about hospitals and nursing and drugs. Drugs to calm the nerves (of who?), drugs to stop the sickness, drugs to tranquillize and drugs to help repair the body once the alcoholic partner has left hospital.



Living with an alcoholic will sap your energy and eat away at your spirit and positivity. There will be the police (in my instance) coming around because the alcoholic makes reckless telephone calls and forgets she/he made them. You'll see the dark side of life and wonder why the hell you are in this mess and how low you have fallen.

Living With An Alcoholic and hospital

38 comments:

  1. I could have written this. I ask the same questions about how I reached this low place. I've begun to question my own strength, my own manhood. Am I so weak as to put up with this behavior for a lifetime? Pathetic.

    Thank you for posting this. It helps to know that someone else would understand my predicament.

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    1. I wish you the best. Every day I think about how to get out. Personally I am anxious about living alone and can't find anyone else. Sad and pathetic but basically true.

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  2. Hi, I wrote it and I am desperate. It is 20th August 2010 and I am still with this women who is killing me. I need help.

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  3. you think youre going mad and always anxious you nevver know whats next they blame you for everything

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  4. i need help now i just cant seem to let him go i love him been with him on and off for 5 yr its getting no better and he is on medication to stop drinking how long do you keep hoping

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  5. "Stop walking on eggshells" a must read By Randi Kreger and Paul Mason

    also support groups at
    :http://www.bpdcentral.com/support/email.shtml

    I found that my alcholic has BPD. and most BPD ppl are alcoholic or druggies...

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  6. also,..I joined AlAnon..it has helped "me" cope. they helped me find the tools to help "me", as the emphasis is on You and not the alcoholic. Good luck. (apparently I am still searching for answers..or I wouldn't have stumbled upon your blog)

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  7. i've been with an alcoholic for 10 years and he has been sobber for nearly 2 of them. when we were together the emotional side of things was just so bad, i suffer so bad from stress and depression still even now that i still freak out about the way he treat me when he was drinking. He's really different now and i feel guilty about the way i just can;t let it go. I'm just not sure about being with him now as i feel that the problem lies within me now. I wonder will i ever just be happy!!

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  8. wow. thanks for this.. like many of the others I could have written this.. It does help to know I'm not alone, although I hate that any of us are going through this..

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. I'm the author of this blog. I am leaving Jane. Yes, it's true. Well, I am buying an apartment to move into. It is not that far away but if she wants to visit me it will have to be after a breathalyzer test and a full search of her person!

    She can then come into my flat. Under no other circumstances can she come in..Wish me luck please. I will be alone and I am scared in some ways. Not scared of coping. I can do that. Scared of becoming depressed because I will be alone and then scared that I will end my life.

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    1. As I write this I am locked in my bedroom, to avoid my drunken abusive mother, with whom I live. To make matters worse, I have a serious lung disease, am on disability, and probably will never work or be independent again.
      So, I read your blog with a sad heart, full of empathy.
      I'm saying a prayer that you will not end your life. You have a lot of healing to do, yourself.
      But if you end your life, then striking out on your own was for nothing.
      Have you gone to Al Anon? Did it help?
      JB

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  11. I left my alcoholic husband after 8 years in 2006. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to file for divorce, so the courts would make him leave our home. My children and I spent 6 weeks living with my Mom before he was forced to move.

    Leaving my husband has turned out to be the best decision I have ever made! 4 years later he is still unemployed and living with his parents. He is still an alcoholic and hasn't seen his kids in 4 years. I am now happily re-married and have a beautiful new son.

    Be strong. It's hard. But you can do it. :)

    -mygirlslife

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  12. Thanks for an encouraging and supportive comment. It is appreciated because I am concerned but I will be strong and I am leaving....The Victim who is the author of this blog.

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  13. I feel sad as it has never occured to me to read these sites before and I have had a 7 yr relationship with an alcoholic. I thought Iwas going mad until reading peoples comments.Most of these people who are suffering in these relationships with alcoholics are depressed or having therapy, surely if they need help aswell its time to move on .I am usually happy and then my partners behaviour crushes it with his behaviour and i find Iam overwhelmed with depression and hopelessness and I do not live with him and never will so how difficult it must be for peopleto live with an alcoholic. Also when if ever will they get sober 2 yrs 10 or never.most people also say get out and run fast and I tend to agree if all options have been pursued its best to leave.Yes you may be lonely but how lonely is it when your partner cant converse or they are sleeping it off all day or they are acting like a 2 yr old . So for
    the person who has left Jane, you have done the right thing and a weight will be lifted so you can start to enjoy life.I also told my partner that I cannot have a relationship with him an more last week he is too self absorbed for me and why should I be unhappy because of him?

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  14. Thank you for a nice and sensible comment. It is me who is leaving. I wrote this diary. I am sad. I am a bit anxious. But I am bloody well going come what may.

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  15. Your comments have both saddened me and also given me some hope. I left my husband and partner of 30 years about a month ago so am still finding my feet and at times very lonely. My husband has still not accepted that he has a problem or at least thinks he can deal with it himself. I don't think he has always been an alcoholic but the situation has developed over the last 15 years. I was always the one who was made to feel as though I had the problem by not being able to deal with it, even after he fell down stairs naked in front of our teenage daughter and simply could not get up. I left him 5 times last year and each time he has convinced me that he can change. Well I gave him all the chances I could manage and began to feel more bitter as he lied. I began to think that it was me who was being unreasonable and nearly just gave in thinking 'this is my lot in life'. But somehow with my last piece of free mind I just could not get past the feeling of being very sad each day and resentful until finally I made my decision and escaped. I use the word escaped as that was how it felt - so that he could not get me to stay and manipulate me anymore. My heart goes out to the people who have commented on this page and give one piece of advice - take one day at a time do not look too far ahead. After all you managed to do this when you were living with the alcoholic.

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  16. Response to last comment. I am the author of this blog. I feel exactly like you. I am about to leave and I tried to stay.

    In the end my brain just told me I had no choice. It was almost a survival thing.

    But living alone will be hard too.

    There are no easy answers but I will try and rebuild and find a nice person who can share things with me. No more than that.

    I have low expectations.

    Victims of alcoholics have to leave in the end. It is extremely hard and very sad but it is better this way in the long run.

    Thanks for commenting and I wish you the very best for the future. Stay strong, keep fit and active and try and rebuild.

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  17. I feel so lost right now too. I need some of the guidance and support that I felt I gave so much out. She has made me feel so guilty and so worthless, I feel like absolute shit.

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  18. Response to comment above. Forgive me for asking but are you an alcoholic or a partner of an alcoholic.

    If you are a partner, try and get out and rebuild your life. Alcoholics are poisonous. They erode your brain - really.

    If you are an alcoholic, I can't say much. You will need to find a way to stop. That is common sense.

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  19. My not yet 3 year old daughter asked her father tonight, "why do you drink beers every day?" to which he replied, "because I like them." I'm at fault for allowing her to be around someone like this and I have to leave for both of our sakes. She also said today,"when I grow up, I want to be a princess." I want to have those comments, not the other. I am sick over this!

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  20. I am in an 8 year relationship with an alcoholic woman who I love dearly, but I am withdrawing more day by day. It has been two years since we have had sex and that doesn't seem to matter to her! How does one go about having the intervention conversation? How do you explain to someone that it is NOT OK to feel like your life is being wasted away and that your future is nonexistent? She is not abusive, but hasn't tried to come to terms with her drinking... same thing day after day. I am a strong person, but I don't want to just walk away. Just walking away seems so cold... how you express that your biggest desire in life is to see her "well" and to share that?

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  21. wow...what a powerful blog and comments made by each person. Very touching. Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers

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  22. each person's story is so powerful, touching and meaningful. thanks to each of you for sharing

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  23. Lisa - I have made one of the hardest decisions of my life, i finally found the strength to leave my partner whom i have a 3 year old daughter too. His drinking has become increased over the years but he is in total denial, he says i have the problem i have created him to become a drinker, i am wrong, why is it then that most nights he is asleep with red wine spilt over him, he can not life his head from the pillow at the weekends, every function we attended he is drunk before we get there or asleep in the corner, every birthday christmas easter is ruined as he can not look forward and enjoy in any celebrations. He has bagged me to help him from this despair and after driving whilst drunk with our child did he finally get help with the AA, and the 1st month he was so receptive and the man i so love and cherish, however he has re-lapsed twice. I find it so incredibly sad we have everything a beautiful home a beautiful daughter we live comfortable both working. All i have done is try to support him during these past years, but he thinks its me and i have the problem, so much so i do question if it really was that bad, i knw i have done the right thing but only 9 weeks has passed, i feel a peacefulness in my home, i know my daughter will not grow up mopping up his wine or asking why is dad asleep all weekend, i can protect her now, i hope he gets well but for now self preservation is what matters, i love him but i love myself and my child more, if you feel this despair and are afraid don't be you deserve to be loved valued and respected, and only good will come form making the right decision, if only they came with a label around them saying 'i am a alcoholic, i will try to break your spirit, i am the most selfish person you will ever meet, i will push you away and then pull you back like a puppet' i think you would of ran a mile.....God Bless

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  24. I am married to a alcoholic and live with such heartache and pain that does not go away. I have been with him for 22 years and am so lonely. The sad thing for me is I know that when he does not drink which is maybe after a real bad night of drinking heavley he can be the husband I would like. But even then he is a control freak and I just am stuck in this no end situation. For all those who are with partners that drink I feel thepain and understand why those who stay stay. Pray and keep strong as I care for all of you and ubderstand the pain I really do.

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  25. I too have been with my alcoholic husband for 22 years and at last, after all that time, have become to learn what exactly is wrong with him. He is an alcoholic! I can't believe I did not know but the truth is that somehow, he managed to make me believe his behaviour was acceptable. Yes, the shouting and yelling, occassional violence, carelessness, red wine stains on the carpet, lies, bad handling of our money, debts and bankruptcy were all normal! When I met him he was newly separated from his 1st wife and two children. He gave me a very heart rending story about how sad it was to leave his children, and what a foul person his ex-wife was. I believed him, felt enormously sorry for him and stupidly invited him into my life! Oh! how I regret that! After spending a third of my life with him, I now have nothing. The home has gone, he has been bankrupt twice and I am on anti-depressants. I am desperate to leave him and have been to seek advice. When I told the advisor about his Jeckal & Hyde character, his mishandling of our money, his verbal abuse and violent outbursts and of course his drinking, she handed me an Al-Anon leaflet. Thank God! I now have hope, I realize he is suffering from an illness and I am suffering from its effects too. There is nothing I can do about it and I have to look after myself. I feel there is some hope, finally a way to cope, and I have found the courage to make a change to me life. I will leave him - I'll end up on benefits but that is fine, if it means I will be free from this nightmare. I feel such great understanding for all who have written here and my heart goes out to you all. xx

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  26. I have never opened a blog, don´t really know where to begin.. I am at the stage "is my husband an alcoholic?" he drinks wine daily, spends minimum 3hours a day in the pub and comes home to more wine and brandy.. more stress, the more he drinks. His social life is in the pub with all his alcoholic friends. I am trying to bring up the most gorgeous 4 yr old child and protect her from the society we live in. We are bound together in marriage, mortgage, we live in Spain. I have no family close by. Up-rooting back to UK seems so dramatic. I am being dramatic, to take a child away from a father she adores ? can you help.. any comment would be helpful - thank you

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  27. Response to last comment. If he can't stop drinking then he probably is an alcoholic. In other words if he has lost control over it.

    I guess you have discussed this with him. What does he say? If he is an alcoholic he won't want to talk about alcohol. Another test.

    It may be possible to put things straight if he is reasonable and helpful.

    To break up will be tough. But as you imply the alternative is tough too.

    I think all victims of alcoholics have the same dilemma. I do.

    I'd try and improve things where you are and if that is impossible you either find ways to make it tolerable or you leave.

    It is tough any which way. Alcoholics mess everything up.

    Good luck.

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  28. thank you for your feedback to the last comment.
    Kind regards,
    ADG

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  29. I have been with my partner for 2 years, I met him when he was living in a bedsit and very depressed, I felt sorry for him, I also thought that I loved him. He moved in with me and my children and things started to go wrong straight away.

    I didn't know about the alcohol at first, he hid it from me well, but soon it was obvious, every few weeks he would drink for a week,be verbally abusive and after a few months he started to become physically abusive. The physical and verbal abuse have escalated to the point where I've had to call the police to protect myself from his violence.

    I've kicked him out once but took him back when he promised to change. He did for a little while, he stopped for a little longer than before but now he's doing it again...stealing money, selling my possessions to get money, using my credit cards, stealing the children's pocket money, just anything and everything to get the money. He buys whiskey or vodka, hides it really well, I can rarely find the bottles but obviously I know when he's drinking the stuff because he hits me and on a couple of occasions he's tried to kill me and I have had to really fight back and he's been so drunk that I could stop him.

    He's lovely most of the time I suppose, although quite selfish and thinks nothing of having the last chocolate or the last of the milk etc despite there being a whole family to look after.

    He doesn't work and has no intention of finding work, I think he is unemployable as he's got an attitude problem with authority, so we live on benefits as I have to care for my disabled child. We don't have enough to live on but he never goes without alcohol and tobacco. Right now we have no money at all, but he's in the pub spending money that he's got from somewhere.

    I love him but I hate him, I feel myself going under, depression isn't something that I had to worry about before but now I do. I feel worthless and unloved and I feel like the worst mum in the world for not doing more for my children.

    I can't get rid of him, he won't go. The police say I'd have to evict him which I can't do. I have no family and no friends to turn to, and no money or transport to flee.

    Like everyone else, if I had seen this coming I would have left him in his bedsit and run a mile. Now I am trapped in a cycle of poverty and fear. My love goes out to all of you, I know how it is for you as you do for me and that's some solace at least.

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  30. I realise now my ex wife has a major alcohol problem and it is not affect her relationship with our children. The comments about ring so true to me .... everything was always my fault, always making excuses for her being in bed, tablets and pills for all aliments. I away from this all but want my kids away from her.

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  31. All alcoholics are the same: impossible individuals to live with. Good luck. They are mad and bad no matter how much you love them or loved them.

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  32. I am a child of and alcoholic and I recently divorced my ex of 16 yrs who was originally an alcoholic but stopped only to become a legal and illegal drug user.Basically alcoholics were rife throughout both sides of my family. I am now hooked up (2yrs now) with a cousin(long story) who is an alcoholic and whose father died in his 40's of alcoholism. My cousin looks to be following his father whom he had to care for and live with alone whilst growing up. Pulling out his tongue during seizures and cleaning him and other soul destroying things that no other young boy should have to see or do. We are both in our 40s now. My eldest son's father was also an alcoholic whom I left after 2yrs. So I figure I am stuck in victim/saviour mode. I am in therapy for my own complex PTSD mostly caused by alcoholics. I have been trained since birth to just feel it's normal to be around dysfunctional alcoholic behaviours. Knowing logically that it hurts me and why I do it doesn't obviously stop me from winding up in these relationships. The greatest gift/sacrifice is to get your children away from the conditioning that comes from an alcoholic influenced childhood. My cousin and I are living proof of the damage done.

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  33. I am married to an alcoholic. We have been married for 30 years. We separated after 27 years and were apart for nearly two years during which time he was with another woman. During that time he told me he was no longer drinking and I ask him if we should get back together and he said no. However, he soon tired of his new girlfriend and ask me to take him back. We have been back together for 25 months now. I believe that he lies often and I think that he has been sneaking around and drinking and today I found out that he was given muscle relaxers and of course he never let me know this. I fear that he can not make any permanent changes and that my life, should I stay with him, will always be in turmoil.

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  34. You can't trust alcoholics because they have learnt to lie to people they know so they can sneak that lovely alcohol into the house and pretend to you and themselves that they are not alcoholic. Sad.

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  35. I fell in love with what I tought was the love of my life,didn't realise how much she loved the wine until I was completely smitten.It was the hardest time of my life,in the end I had to get out for my own health.Anxious is the perfect word to describe a partner of an alcoholic, I lost weight and felt crap nearly every day.These people dont have a problem according to them.I'ts only been 6 weeks since we parted but it still hurts so much, unfortunately the booze wins nearly every time.I am slowly getting my health back and getting stronger by the day.I feel so cheated because I put so much into the relationship, in the end you just can't win, its terrible.They are the ones with the problem but we the partners are the ones who end up sick physically and mentally.You will come to a point when the decision will be made for you, you will know when to walk away after having done everything physically possible to make it work.Booze is evil in these situations, i like a drink but it doesn't control me on a daily basis.I miss her sooooo much but you can't live like that if they don't acknowledge there is a problem.Good luck everyone, its such a terrible place to be in.

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I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.