It has been a long time since I made a post on this blog. One reason why I haven't is because I have some doubts about it; about its morality. When I started it, it was out of desperation. I had to do it to talk to someone. To express the anger inside. The powerlessness and anguish. Every emotion possible. As I may have said somewhere else on the blog, it is like living through a long slow motion car crash. And your partner is dying in the process. When she drinks it is as if I am waiting for her to die, either by falling over on a hard surface (one of her favorites) or getting hit by a car when she stumbles out to the local shop to buy a couple of bottles of Mr V.
But I think on balance that the site is fair and useful. Useful to me and to some visitors. I gives a clue to how the victim of the alcoholic lives, in constant fear of the unexpected, the chaos. Pick the worst possible moment for Jane to drink and she will drink on that occasion. It is almost as if she does it deliberately to create the maximum amount of harm to herself (i.e. she will upset the most number of people who will be p*ssed off with her). So, this blog might inform some alcoholics as to how their drinking affects their loved ones. Mind you they probably already know that and it doesn't do a damn thing to change things.
It is this lack of change that creates the hopelessness in the victim, the partner. Anyway, I have moved into the main bedroom, with Jane's encouragement, in fact. This makes for a better bolt hole where I can keep out of the way when she is on a binge. And on the subject of binges, Jane has only had one shortish binge recently over a longish period of about 3 months. That is great and I have praised her for it. It has also meant that her job is more secure. However, she does drink slightly differently as a result; usually a miniature or two after work on the way home. So she comes in a bit drunk and is asleep within a couple of hours. That translates, for me, into not seeing her that much! Or at least interacting with her less because she is asleep. Jane is nearly always tired and sleeps like a log.
Her health is not good. Mine isn't that great either, come to think about it! But for her I get the gut feeling that her body is at last complaining about the 25 plus years of punishment it has taken in alcohol abuse. Although a binge is less damaging than constant trickle soaking in alcohol as the body has a respite to recover.
So, at the moment she is not that well. That is another fear of mine. Last night I went to bed thinking that she might die in her sleep. Irrational perhaps. But it is the kind of thought that is generated when you are a victim of an alcoholic. This is my diary.
I am going to put some videos on. Here is one of a celeb who could be drunk?