Monday, 24 August 2009
Emptiness born out of continual disappointment - photo by Tch0la =)
Alcoholics disappoint all the time. It happens over and over again. As a victim of an alcoholic you think that you can start living even a little bit normally. Just a little bit of normality is all you ask. It is all you crave. And when you think that you are getting there, bang, she screws up again. Jane hardly ever keeps her word. She will promise and never deliver. These are the ways of alcoholics. Or at least the one I am living with. But I think it is pretty normal across the board.
Alcoholics disappoint in part because they are constantly being driven by the first priority in their life: where and when to get the next drink. This rules their lives. They probably hate it but I reckon most don't even have an opinion on it. Their mind is full of the desire for that first rush after the neat vodka hits the brain. And then they can't resist the urge to repeat it. Jane does this until she falls asleep. Jane promised that we would do bla bla bla on her days off and delivered yada yada yada or nothing.
Living with an alcoholic produces an endless series of disappointing experiences. You go out to a restaurant and she gets drunk and that means you can't ever go out to a restaurant again. You go on holiday and she embarrasses you badly and gets comatose drunk staying in the hotel room for days! No more holidays. Alcoholics disappoint. You go to the theater and she gets badly drunk in the theater causing a massive scene and making life very difficult. No more theater visits. More disappointment. Your world closes in on you getting narrower and narrower. You can't do a thing with an alcoholic because it is too damn dangerous. It doesn't work out. It is not a night out but a nightmare.
In my experience you cannot take the word of an alcoholic and rely on it. They are very unreliable. And reliability is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship. That cornerstone is gone. And lying all the time disappoints badly too. You cannot trust an alcoholic. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. That too is gone. Where you should have some fun doing things together all you have is distrust and loneliness while she sleeps until she wakes up for more.
Alcoholics disappoint.......always...better get used to it.
Please note: I am not criticising although it seems like that! I am reporting what is going on. After all I still live with Jane so have no right to criticise. I can leave after all.