This is a quick update. For the time being things are going OK. I almost walked out though. Jane had a binge about three weeks ago and I decided to leave as I said I would. I inspected properties to move into (rental) and paid a deposit. Then I backed out!
When tested I just find it impossible to live alone anymore. I have lived alone a lot and I find I get depressed. Simple as that.
On balance it is better with Jane and she seems to be getting better, which, if I am honest, I did not expect.
It is a joint effort really. She does drink a bit still but at the moment the binges are much less often and things are more manageable.
I have constantly pushed her to stop. But what I think is the defining influence at the moment in her possible improvement is not me (although I think I play a part) but the fact that her health seems to be affected. Her memory is less good. If this is due to alcoholism and I am not sure it is, it is worrying for us both. On the upside it is a great motivator to stop binging.
They say that drinking is a disease. That may be so but I sometimes think that it is simply a habit - a very bad habit and a habit that is so entrenched that it is an addiction. We can cultivate bad and good habits. Are very well entrenched habits addictions? I think they are.
If I am correct then alcoholics can unlearn the addiction to booze by gradually over many months and years develop fresh and good habits that supersede the destructive ones.
I believe that the cultivation of better drinking habits takes as long as it takes to cultivate bad habits (effectively alcoholism). Patience, perseverance and consistency will get you there and Jane is showing some of that at the moment.
We have had some terrible rows. These must stop and are stopping as they are destructive of the relationship.
I live day by day and see where it takes me. I hope that I can stay but may well have to go despite my fear (almost) of living alone.