Wednesday, 21 July 2010

I See An Insane Person

When I look at Jane today and last night during a binge of sorts, I see an insane person. I don't mean barking mad and obviously insane but a person who is definitely not normal, v.slightly insane, 10 percent insane, call it what you like. When Jane is drinking she acts like an insane person. I know that none of us are "normal" as there is no definition of a "normal person" but we can tell when a person is not normal. The usual symptoms are borderline personality disorders and the like. And don't get me wrong I am not being critical. I am sympathetic in fact but it needs to be said.

She just does not get some things. We will agree that doing something in a certain way will help and the next minute she is back to her old ways. She has no understanding of her alcoholism at all. After 30 years of binge drinking she still doesn't have the faintest idea as to the underlying cause.

She had a mini-binge for two days and then stopped and I think she has restarted. She fell asleep on the sofa last night. She was meant to work today but has said she won't go in as she feels sick. She was sick last night she says. There is so much stuff on her bedroom floor you can't get into the room, and that is normal, day to day conditions. It rarely gets better than that.

I asked her to tell me when she feels like a drink so at least I would be prepared. This last mini-binge was bad because I had just treated her to one or two things, given her things and we get home, she goes to bed and gets drunk. Nothing said, no warning, nothing. That felt like a slap in my face after I had been particularly nice to her. She doesn't get it though.

She doesn't get anything really. It is like she is in a deep trench of habit without any understanding and no ability to get out of it. This is a form of madness.

Particularly when she is drunk I see an insane person who acts in a manner that looks as if she is slighlty insane. It is unnerving. Another form of insanity odd and irrational behavior is making herself sick constantly, every 5 minutes after a binge. That is horrifying to see. For her it is quite normal.

There is no doubt that she has some "brain damage" conditioning. Her brain is programmed incorrectly. But we don't exactly no where and what. A lot has to do with low self esteem. When it is that low it affects how you do things and think.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I just get fed up. And please don't ask me why I stay. I am also not saying that I am better. But I am at least rational.

2 comments:

  1. like you said it's the brain thing. It gets damaged over time. You must like her when she's not drunk (my husband does and tries all the best to support me). It's just that it's the only escape from harsh reality. It hurts me the next day so that is a very motivating factor for me to one day quit completely.

    And if you ever find a way to fix that incorrect brain programming part please post it. I want to do an mri and see if there is like some post-traumatic link or something that makes me like this. Of course there are most likely a slew of other reasons.

    Thanks for your continual posts of your progress. I've learned a lot from your posts and I'm hoping I can do this alone (groups don't help me). I may start my own diary, but it would not include 'victim of a' in it's title

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  2. Good luck Nora. Never stop trying. In doing so you might controlling it. One thing that makes me drink moderately is knowing that the after effects are worse than the benefits. Moderate drinking is nice and I think beneficial. The alcoholic just can't drink moderately and damages the body and mind.

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I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.