Thursday, 12 April 2012

Living on the edge permanently

Jane is not bad. There is the occasional lapse but these days it is just buying booze on the way home, drinking, getting home, falling asleep after about an hour and not getting up. That is good. Although I miss her when she is asleep. It is hard to do anything together. Every time she is off I make plans. Every time...you guessed it, the plans don't translate to reality.

The trouble is, as a victim of an alcoholic, you are just waiting for the next binge - living on the edge. And I am super sensitive to the signs of alcoholism and I am super sensitive - full stop, period. I can't take another binge. It must be a kind of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

I sense that Jane has got the message about me. She is nicer to me - great. It's just life. There are millions of similar situations every minute of every day on the planet. They are not always about alcohol but they are always about fear, anxiety and disharmony. I'm pretty chilled out, though, because I am too tired to get wound up about it.

3 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear there is somewhat of a lull in the dramatics...I am really grateful to people like you. I know you say you stay because you don't want to be alone, but I think you have an intense love for your Jane. My boyfriend is so damn patient, I had to ask myself if I was having these binges to subconsiously push him away. I really didn't understand how much I really meant to him, how much he loves me, and how incredibly selfish I have been. When he stays at his home, I tend to do my drinking then, to stave off the guilt. I can't hurt him anymore. Have you caught Jane in a lucid moment and really, I mean REALLY, poor your heart out to her, tears and all? I know, as an alcoholic, how much guilt comes with a binge, and I don't mean to make her feel worse, just be sincere and let her know that life COULD be wonderful, she isn't too late...that she hasn't lost you yet...
    I really hope everything will all work out in the end.

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  2. Hi Gigi. Thanks for the comment. I do tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me. We do love each other. I have had the odd session when I have poured my heart out. I think and hope we will stay together. She has been better this year. In fact she has not binged this year. Jane has had the odd drink and gone to bed etc but not a full blown binge. Boozing is very selfish. I glad you recognise that. I wonder if love can cure alcoholism?

    You want to love your man back. It is very tough for him. I can guarantee that. I hope you go up to him, hug him, kiss him tenderly and say you love him and that you are sorry for being selfish. Work on stopping. Keep hopeful. It is possible to cure alcoholism or get back to the way you were before you became a binge drinker. It is an unlearning process. I think it takes as long to unlearn as it does to learn - many years.

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I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.