Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Loving An Alcoholic

Yep, feeble I might be but I have failed to buy a new property to live in to escape living with Jane. I had all the good intentions and got to the point where I was to contract to buy an apartment but the landlord would not agree certain terms relating to keeping a domestic cat so the transaction feel thorough. I then tried buying a house. And in London houses start at about half a million pounds.

That also fell through because.....I just can't see myself living alone. I have tried it and it gradually kills me. My motivation to move has waned and has been lost.

I more or less decided - it was forced on me in the heat of decision making while preparing to move - that I cannot live alone and be content. I would rather live with a binge alcoholic hard though that can be at times, than live alone in a nice house.

And I do love her. It is hard for me accept that part of me too. But there is something inside Jane that makes me love her.

Perhaps it is a reflection of my weaknesses? Perhaps I need to care for someone? God I have no idea. I think it is just plain good old fashioned love that beats the destruction of the relationship through alcoholism.

And alcoholism does destroy the relationship. It is highly corrosive. It undermines everything...but for the time being love triumphs in this household.

6 comments:

  1. It is so painful to me to read about both you and Jane. I am a female sober alcoholic. My marriage did not withstand my alcoholism, and now with me 2 years sober my husband and I are divorcing. I understand how sick relationships get when there is active alcoholism involved. I want to tell you that many of the opinions you state and that you say Jane has used to be my opinions as well. But I was wrong. I thought I was beyond help, but I was wrong. I thought I could never function normally in society, but I was wrong. I thought I had serious mental illnesses that complicated my alcoholism, and I was wrong on that, too. There IS a solution to alcoholism for anyone and everyone who is willing to pursue it with 1/2 the vigor we show in pursuing our next drink. The solution is in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe today that AA and the spiritual solution it guided me to saved my life. I also believe that if AA can save my life, it can save anyone's. But as long as Jane has you to take care of her, she may not be able to find the desperation needed to seek a difficult path. AA is not easy, but what has she got to lose? I pray for both of you.

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  2. I have commented before, i lost my partner aged just 32. I could have written ur words, even down to the lying to ambulance men. My partner was in his vomiting 'phase' when he died, although it was involuntary. It was all part of the cycle, and i did not know it was any different to any other time, but he lost his battle, his body finally gave up. I too questioned why i stayed with him, but the fact was i was just as sick as him in the end. I loved him so so much but in order to do so i had to live in his world, not mine. I never would have left him. I tried many times but i know i could not hav turned my back on him completely. I miss him so much, drink destroyed my life

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  3. please write more ... keep us up to date.

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  4. oh, and Brenda's diary is fascinating as well. Search: Brend, diary of an alchohic housewife

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  5. oops, I left out a few vowels, but, ya know, ya hang out with it... Shit like this happens ;)

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  6. My life was turned upside down because of my husbands drinking. I remember always having this extreme tension and pain with me everywhere I went. When I was home we would fight, the worst kind of arguments that would last hours; when I was away from him, I would always try and get home as soon as possible. I was continually worried sick about what he was doing in my absence.
    His drinking escalated quickly when I finally came clean to our families about what was going on behind closed doors. It was worse, but also some how better. I had open the flood gates. It was no longer a secret; I was filled with embarrassment, shame, and relief. He felt confronted on in a whole new way. Family was suddenly in on our monumental little secret.
    He quit after a huge incident where the police became involved. He has been sober for almost 5 years now. At first he used AA, but he has a huge support in his family and friends and feels that his life now is about a lot more than being an alcoholic. He feels that the meetings focus on all the ugly that is/was drinking, and it's not cathartic anymore.
    It was like he was dead while he was drinking, an empty shell of a man who did not live up to his potential. I loved him whole heartedly and had stayed with him for years, but it was toxic. Looking back it was the worst type of situation for me to be in. Loving an alcoholic is itself a sickness. I would say that you cannot change them with your love, that you should get away before you loose yourself too; however, my husband changed because I loved him.
    When he finally stopped I had already started to fall out of love with him. I was pregnant and preparing to leave him. Life is different now, it is vivid, whimsical, light filled and amazing. We have two beautiful daughters who have no clue what living in the dark shadows of alcoholism are. Everyone deserves that, but I don't believe you can ever be happy living with an alcoholic who is drinking. It is amazing how very different life is when they are sober.

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I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.