The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

It has been a long time since I made a post on this blog. One reason why I haven't is because I have some doubts about it; about its morality. When I started it, it was out of desperation . I had to do it to talk to someone. To express the anger inside. The powerlessness and anguish. Every emotion possible. As I may have said somewhere else on the blog, it is like living through a long slow motion car crash. And your partner is dying in the process. When she drinks it is as if I am waiting for her to die, either by falling over on a hard surface (one of her favorites) or getting hit by a car when she stumbles out to the local shop to buy a couple of bottles of Mr V. But I think on balance that the site is fair and useful. Useful to me and to some visitors. I gives a clue to how the victim of the alcoholic lives, in constant fear of the unexpected, the chaos. Pick the worst possible moment for Jane to drink and she will drink on that occasion. It is almost as if she does it delibera...

It is still calm. I have nothing to say. No blood and guts. No near death scenes. Just fairly normal. It seems my ultimatum did some good but this will not last. We are talking about me moving into the main bedroom as a bolt hole so when the next binge does take place I can keep out of the way and live my life fairly normally while the storm blows over!

Peaceful currently - photo by fabry... Here is a quick update, some more alcoholism chat. For the very few who follow this blog, the reason why I have not made a post for a while is because things have been quiet. This is mainly because after the last binge I kinda gave an ultimatum that unless the binge drinking stopped I would have to leave. Jane took that to heart and has put in an extra effort to stop. Also she has been away on holiday on her own for the past week so it has been lovely and quite for the last 7 days. Did I miss her? Yes, despite the waring and the binging and the living hell when she is drinking, memories are short and the terrible moments one goes through when she is binging are forgotten until the next time, when it all comes very quickly back. Jane returns from holiday tomorrow and it is highly likely that she will be fine for a reasonable time as she will need to work for a while to prove to her employer that she is worth employing. Then, when she feels comforta...

This, too, is an extract from French Wikipedia, translated by Google, on the history of the alcoholics favorite beverage, vodka. We can blame the Russians: It is distilled from the fourteenth century, but a century later, Prince Ivan III (1462-1505) prohibited the production of strong alcoholic beverages. Czar Ivan IV (1533-1584), said Ivan the Terrible built the first tavern in Moscow and establishes the principle of distilleries and places of distribution of state. It had a monopoly on the production and sale of vodka, which has enabled the state to reap substantial profits. During this period, the vodka is a very important role in culture and the Russian economy. In 1894, Emperor Alexander III decreed that the standard of the title alcohol Russian vodka is 40 °. It builds on the work of the chemist Dmitri Mendeleev who had previously shown that the best vodka headline to 38 °, but the fees for the time being calculated on the alcohol, is the title of which was 40 ° retained to fac...

Ethanol - this is a Google translation of French Wikipedia on ethanol, just for an experiment. It is totally unabridged except for the word catabolisé , which Google should have translated into catabolized or for Europeans catabolised. I am trying to figure out what that word means! Ethanol (CH3CH2OH), the active ingredient of alcoholic beverages, is almost always produced by fermentation - the carbohydrate metabolic pathway of certain species of yeast in the absence of oxygen. It had been argued that alcohol impurities (congeners) were the cause of hangovers. However, it is more likely to be caused by ethanal, an oxidized intermediate form produced by the liver where alcohol is catabolisé. Alcoholic beverages with greater than 40% of the volume are highly flammable. In chemistry, the term alcohol refers to all organic compounds in which a hydroxyl group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, which in turn is connected to other carbon atoms or hydrogen. Other alcohols such as propylene g...

Sadness - neglect - loneliness - alone - lost - cold - true - seeking - sadness. Photo by Justin Gaurav Murgai Sometimes I wonder if Jane's alcoholic behavior is rooted in brain damage. And that sounds almost ridiculous. But, you know, even when she is sober (and there are periods between binges when she is sober) she behaves in ways that indicate to me that "something is missing". And please don't misconstrue this as a criticism or a derogatory remark. I am very sympathetic and tender towards all vulnerable creatures of the world including people who are damaged. When people just don't "get it", they simply don't get the most basic of things and you wonder if they are brain damaged. Then you wonder if they are brain damaged because of the vodka. There are no immediate apparent signs of damage by alcohol (ethanol alcohol) in booze but I think it gradually erodes and destroys the body and mind. Does it gradually erode hearing? Jane either refuses to ...

Photo by dosmosis Alcohol is not bad per se. One benefit of alcohol is that there is a window during the time one is drinking alcohol when there is a genuine period of enlightenment; sounds weird but true. I have first hand experience! This narrow window of opportunity happens at the moment when we just start to feel a bit drunk. The mind is freed up and some great thoughts (genuinely good thoughts) come to mind. Unless we write these down or dictate them they are lost for ever. Another benefit would have been the fact that the former president Bush would not have been elected president if he had not forsworn alcohol. If he was known to have liked a drink he wouldn't have made it and, hey, it would have been a better world. There have been some fine politicians who drank a bit more than usual. Churchill, voted by the British as the best in the history of the country had the simple rule to never take a strong drink before breakfast! He was a bit of a drinker and it didn't hurt....

Photo by Mexicanwave Victims of Alcoholics Need to Talk or write about their experiences. Not long ago I went to Al-anon. I don't go now. Perhaps it was the wrong group for me. I found that I sensed from the silent reaction of the others that I was either saying too much and/or it was too near the bone; I was too outspoken for that group. It wasn't benign and passive enough. Fair enough, but I like to talk the truth, to express my feelings and vocalize what I think I have learned. Some of it will be wrong and some right but expressing ourselves is important to relieve stress levels, which are likely to be higher in victims of alcoholics, that is, people who are not alcoholics who are living with alcoholics. The idea of talking about one's problems as a means to dissipate them is, after all, well known and is supported by recently released research carried out at the University of California. Apparently writing about a bad experience (as I am doing in this blog) is often ca...

More alcoholic chat - a quick update. Hi to those loyal followers of the ramblings of a victim of an alcoholic. Right now it is no alcohol. We are in that trough or peak between binges. Everything is fairly normal. Did I say normal? There is the ever present fear of a restart. The day Jane comes in from work (yes, she is back at work) drunk will signal the start of the next binge, I suspect. The pressure will mount too. As the days go by the pressure to drink will mount and bingo, we're off. I don't expect a change but I did make it clear that I was making moves to move out , looking around and exploring the possibilities etc. Jane is aware of that. That knowledge may be having an effect, of sorts, but it cannot change behavior because very little in the way of external events can achieve that. It must come from within, from the head of the alcoholic. As I said, though, I may, due to practical reasons, find a compromise solution and move into a bigger room in the flat and ...

by atinirdosh I feel (no, I know) that Jane has never rearly learned how to live. She has never learned from her mistakes. We improve our lives by learning from mistakes and avoiding them. We progress. I wonder if the lack of ability to learn how to live by learning from mistakes is a characteristic of alcoholics? I have learned how to live. I understand how to live. But I am losing the strength to put into action what I know. Is this how a non-alcoholic gets to be stuck with an alcoholic? When I am with Jane I sometimes feel that I am with a juvenile, a teenager. It is as if she is my daughter. This compels me sometimes to wrongly talk to her as my daughter. Is this arrested development in Jane because she has failed to learn from her mistakes and failed to learn how to live? The quotes, below, came with the photograph, above, which is from a Flickr photographer -- atinirdosh . I hope she doesn't mind me publishing them here, they are apt. It is not hard to learn more. What is har...

Waiting (for the miracle) - photo by by Ekler We are both playing a waiting game. I have told Jane that I am exploring arrangements to move out, which I am doing (surprise). Jane knows I am doing this and it seems she is making an effort at least for the time being to behave. I just know that the time will come for me to go. It is just a matter of time and I have mentioned this before over and over again. It is just so damn complicated to get out of here both emotionally and practically. I am playing a waiting game to see if she improves. Yes, I know she won't. Jane is also waiting to see if I actually take more tangible steps to move. The mood is OK because she is showing me some respect for once. At last she seems to understand the pain caused not only to me but her relatives. I sense a more responsible attitude but will it be sustained. Well we all know it won't. So, just enjoy it for the moment, is what I tell myself and when the inevitable ghastly binge comes along with al...

Alcoholism Chat -- 2 pm Saturday 24th January: Jane: "I feel sleepy" Freddie: Says nothing. He has heard this before. It can only mean one thing. Jane has had a little slug of the clear stuff, her best pal, Mr. V. Thirty minutes later Jane goes to the toilet for a pee. Freddie notes this mentally. Booze is a diuretic. More evidence of a little secret session with the bottle. He says nothing. Thirty more minutes elapse. Jane: "I feel sleepy, I'll just have a nap". A good three hours later Jane awakes from a deep slumber. "I just had a little nap. I felt sleepy because I woke up early this morning". Freddie unable to contain his thoughts any longer, in a gentle non threatening way having learnt to tread very carefully when discussing the dreaded booze: "You haven't had a drink have you?" Jane: " No, no, I never drink after a binge". Freddie: "Anything goes with you when it comes to booze." Jane: "Yes, I agree."...

Despair -- emptiness -- madness - Photo by Jano De Cesare I don't know if Jane is approaching the end game but right now it feels like it. It is highly unnerving. Jane came out of hospital after an 11-12 day binge about 5 days ago or more. She slept most of the time and barely moved from the sofa. She ate what I gave her but it is never enough because she is a poor eater. She is weak. She is too thin. She started to binge again. No real break. No getting back to work. Just straight into the 'ole routine. She looks like she has given up. She really does. Heavily depressed with an air of complete hopelessness. She is erratic and frankly dangerous. She is histrionic and creates scenes and trouble, which I find almost frightening. Jane has fallen over on to the hard floor about 4 times, twice when sober but I suppose dizzy through weakness. I told her to get up slowly and progress carefully. I sit in my room and wait for the crash and cry. The thump then stillness. I wait for the...

Photo by Bright_Star The anger and bile coming out of me has subsided since my last posting . I've just read it and it reminds me how bad I feel during and after one of Jane's binges. I have tried ringing her at hospital and only on two occasions managed to talk to her. This is because unsurprisingly she is very tired and the hospital drug her, calm her down with sleeping pills and tranquillizers. This combination means that she sleeps a lot, which is good for her but it also means I cannot realistically visit. Went to Al-anon about 3 days ago and found it hopeless. The first meetings helped but now I find I cannot say what I want to for fear of upsetting people. I talk too much and that upsets people, the ones in charge. I feel it is not worth going again and this made me feel very depressed when combined with Jane's alcoholism. That's life, I guess. The anger though has subsided as it always does until the next time.

Chips for breakfast, chips at 1 am - photo by Derek Farr ( DetroitDerek ) Jane my alcoholic partner is still drinking. This is a big binge. They seem to get longer. Back in the old days she used to binge for about 5 days or so and now they are creeping up to more like ten days. She started this one just after Christmas and is still going strong. She calls out from her bedroom mess all the time for food or booze. She sobered up yesterday and asked for two bottles of Vodka and if I didn't buy it she'd either ask our neighbor to buy it or she'd buy it, she said. Both unacceptable so I bought it. Actually I bought a big two liter bottle which saved me £4 (gotta think money as alcoholism is very expensive - loss of job, canceled holidays etc.). Within less than 24 hours, Jane has got through the entire bottle (almost). That is more than usual. I actually asked her if she'd drink some in front of me as I had never in 10 years or so seen her drink. She said, no, and them she...

A photo titled "Conversatons II by Ferran. Jane (calling from her bedroom, the black hole where she has laid comatose drunk since last Sunday four days ago: "Freddie.....", silence. Freddie (watching TV and replying loudly): "Yes...", silence. Long pause, nothing happens. Freddie: "What do you want?" Nothing happens, not a sound is heard. A full 10 ten minutes later Freddie goes to Jane's bedroom, where she is lying amongst her mess, utterly silent except for the occasional faint sound of the unscrewing of the top of a Vodka bottle and the faint "Ahhh..." that occasionally follows. Even for the most experienced alcoholic neat vodka from the bottle can be a bit hard to take. Freddie (said with a little aggression and exasperation): "What do you want?" Complete silence. Nothing emanates from the darkness, the black hole, the smelly mess. Freddie (louder and with more exasperation): " What do you want?" Jane (after a del...

Jane is huddled in bed with Mr Vodka, her long time companion and best friend and amongst her mess. She's binging again. Falling over when she goes to the bathroom again. Cracking her head on the hard floor again. A mess again. Getting thinner and thinner. Wasting away again. Blah blah blah. She said she wouldn't drink over Christmas. Are we still in Christmas? Yes, she started a day after Boxing Day so she is drinking over Christmas. Well of course she is. She never does what she promises when in comes to good ole Mr. Vodka her best mate.

Leaving......by majorbrighton It is really time to leave, for good. Jane came back from work just a little drunk yesterday. She stops on the way back to buy and consume some Mr. V. She covers the delay by buying some provisions. Later, I overheard her speaking to my mother about me in a derogatory manner, a misleading and false manner for a considerable time. Jane was a little drunk at the time, not much, but enough to loosen the tongue. Anyway, it has completely p*ss*d me off. And I am p*ss*d off with my mother who shouldn't be gossiping about me behind my back. My mother is very dangerous. She'll spread whatever is said far and wide. I'm no saint but I have done lots for Jane. In any case no one should do that, ever. It is plain bad in my book. There you go. I am steeling myself to leave. Not sure where or how. Just know I gotta do it. Bringing me down. Gotta try and live again. Live normally again. P.S. To anyone who says that this Blog is doing the same thing as Jane d...

Jane drank a glass of wine with me in a normal way today for the first time.........photo by lanier67 Alcoholism behavior is unpredictable and that proved the case this Christmas. Linda asked how Christmas 2008 went. Well, I am pleased to say it went well. Yep, it actually is still going well and it is hard to believe. She promised me that she wouldn't drink and she hasn't as far as I can see. Well that is not quite true in fact. As I was drinking some wine, she actually asked me if I could pour her some wine too. That I think is a first. As I said she always drinks alone and secretly. I have never seen her drink. I have said to her before a number of times, if she could drink more normally, I might be able to exercise some control over it or Jane might be able to exercise more control. It would be normalising drinking, making less of a guilt ridden dark secret of drinking and joining the rest of the world. This I had hoped would help to curb the horrendous binges. And for the...

Yep, more alcoholic chat and its all calm Chez Moi at the moment. Jane has promised to be sober this Christmas. How many times have I heard that jewel of dishonesty? That jewel of propoganda to make me believe that we are actually going to have a real Christmas. She says we can do things together. Together? When did we last do things together at Chistmas? She does do things together at Christmas but it's not with me; it's with her best mate, her closest friend who comes in a nice clear glass bottle, Mr. Vodka. Mr. Vodka is so friendly. He always provides pleasure at the beginning, then he turns nasty but Jane doesn't mind that. As long as she gets that special Mr Vodka rush at the beginning any price that she pays later is value for money. She'll happily sleep with Mr Vodka for a full week or more. She keeps the bottle close under the duvet. No one can get near it. Jane asked me to get the Christmas tree from the garage. I said I would but didn't. I forgot but I don...