Saturday, 31 January 2009

A Waiting Game

Waiting (for the miracle) - photo by by Ekler

We are both playing a waiting game. I have told Jane that I am exploring arrangements to move out, which I am doing (surprise). Jane knows I am doing this and it seems she is making an effort at least for the time being to behave. I just know that the time will come for me to go. It is just a matter of time and I have mentioned this before over and over again. It is just so damn complicated to get out of here both emotionally and practically. I am playing a waiting game to see if she improves. Yes, I know she won't.

Jane is also waiting to see if I actually take more tangible steps to move. The mood is OK because she is showing me some respect for once. At last she seems to understand the pain caused not only to me but her relatives. I sense a more responsible attitude but will it be sustained. Well we all know it won't.

So, just enjoy it for the moment, is what I tell myself and when the inevitable ghastly binge comes along with all the mayhem it brings, I hope it will propel me out of here but God knows where to.

Photo published under creative commons:


  1. Hey I'm sorry youre doing this again.

    Do you really think we're such outsiders? I mean I'm right there with you on that outsider stuff. Maybe networking for our conditon is hampered by the 'we are not cool' mentality (1/28 post)??

    Anyway, i am drinking too much cuz of social anxiety as a start ( But that was from early on, like you said, from the home base.

    Can u share why u think u are in a boat where u have ur own problem with whatever socially, or whatever?

  2. I also wanted to mention that your blog is the most complelling blog i found and the added touches with the pictures just added to it ... beautiful ...

  3. Hi Nora, thanks for the comments. I think I am an outsider because I don't like the world except I like nature. In other words the natural world. I dislike what people have done to the world. This means I don't fit in. Although you wouldn't know it looking at me or from my behavior. Is your website?

  4. i will always be what i am, freddy. a daughter too many, a friend who has few friends, an isolator, feeling there is no one no where who does anything more than comment on my weakness. my God, no one would ever choose the road of alcoholism. it is painful, deadly, socially contemptable. but i am a child of God none the less and many of my caregivers--when i wasn't homeless--reminded me of their misery with me on a daily basis. i often wondered if i died would anyone remember how i tried, tried to live.

    i am no success story though it's been months now since i drank. i dream most everyday of shedding the physical because the other, my shameful past, my burden to the martyrs in my life reminded me daily of my redundancy. i still believe them and always will.

    i was a blue eyed girl once with dreams. i imagined a home with lots of children, a career, people who loved me unconditionally but, but, but,

    i am what i am and no matter what, i will always be an alcoholic standing on the fringes of life wishing someone would please just let me in. i have almost a year and the feelings never go away. they haunt my dreams because you see: i was somebody once. d.

  5. Thanks guys. God, sometimes it gets a bit too much. I feel for us all. God help us all. A world of shattered dreams.

    to D. well done on stopping. Please keep it up and I hope you find hope. Maybe you have hope. We all need it. Sometimes it slips from me and sometimes there is a glimmer of hope left inside me. Otherwise I just exist.


  7. no, that is a website that explains the problem of SA.

    I can see how a person can go towards the wire and cross it now. I used to think only losers do that. For myself, I will make sure I don't go there with all my energies (and your story is compelling).

    My mother is controlling (always was, is a strong - tempered woman). She drinks and is especially more mean than usual. She doesn't remember much of it though (or pretends not to). But she still could go to work and live a pseudo-descent life (ie: the house was clean, organised). She is very materialistic though, so that may dominate her nature.

  8. Your story is similiar to mine, anonymous, 'cept I blame them. They had me, they were responsible. It is NOT you. Blame them. Forget when people tell you you should 'forgive' them. That doesn't work. The best is to be mindfully in the present and just try to be positive and keep people like that far away. That's what I'm trying to do, though it is soooo hard. But the alcohol depresses you more.

  9. Nora, thanks for the comments. You take care of No.1. You know, I know how to live. I have learnt how to live but I find the strength to live as I know I must slipping away.

  10. nora, you are right, of course, but people need to be reminded that alcohol is but a symptom of a greater malady. i had/have such a mother. it does get better though. one year for me feb. 29th.


I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.