The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Despair -- emptiness -- madness - Photo by Jano De Cesare I don't know if Jane is approaching the end game but right now it feels like it. It is highly unnerving. Jane came out of hospital after an 11-12 day binge about 5 days ago or more. She slept most of the time and barely moved from the sofa. She ate what I gave her but it is never enough because she is a poor eater. She is weak. She is too thin. She started to binge again. No real break. No getting back to work. Just straight into the 'ole routine. She looks like she has given up. She really does. Heavily depressed with an air of complete hopelessness. She is erratic and frankly dangerous. She is histrionic and creates scenes and trouble, which I find almost frightening. Jane has fallen over on to the hard floor about 4 times, twice when sober but I suppose dizzy through weakness. I told her to get up slowly and progress carefully. I sit in my room and wait for the crash and cry. The thump then stillness. I wait for the...

Pain - photo by Dude Crush Yes, Jane is in hospital as she couldn't stop vomiting after a massive binge. The hospital is about 3 miles away, not far. But I do not want to go and visit. Visits are always depressing, not constructive etc. Anyway, I am totally p**ss*d off with her. I want out. Why visit the person who makes your life hell? I agreed to pick her up and bring her home. I am a carer and lodger, no more. I have sealed her room as it stinks horribly with vomit, piss, mess, rotten food and god knows what. I have emptied the bucket that was full of piss and vomit and added bleach. The room still stinks. I bleached a bowl she used to be sick in. The room still stinks. I opened the window to ventilate the room exposing myself to burglary, which is bad in London and it still pongs. So, I closed the door and sealed it completely with a large roll of wide industrial tape - true. The smell is much reduced. The smell of death and crap and hell. It is a most awful smell, believe me...

photo by windy234 "Psychiatric disorders are generally more prevalent among those with alcohol disorders. This is true for both men and women, however the disorders differ depending on gender. Women who have alcohol-use disorders have co-occurring psychiatric diagnosis such as major depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder. Men with alcohol-use disorders more often have co-occurring diagnosis of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, impulse disorders and attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder." ( this section is a Wikipedia® verbatim copy of a part of a larger article reproduced under license, see base of post ) This is true for Jane sadly. This is not a criticism. We are all flawed. Jane is lethargic. This is brought on by depression. She also is definitely living out her expectations of herself. The self fulfilling prophesy. She has been told she ...

Well, I've come back from the USA to find Jane going through another alcoholic binge and this one is a biggy. Hell fire and damnation, it's big, long and destructive. As I said the flat was a complete dump on my return. I have cleaned up the kitchen, my room and the living room. Tomorrow it's the bathroom. She is in her room sleeping on a pile of filth, junk, plastic bags, mess, vomit, food, more plastic bags, water bottles, empty bottles of Vodka etc. etc....I just close the door behind me and lock her and the mess away. Out of sight out of mind. Almost. Jane falls out of the bed sometimes and can't get back in. She calls out. I go in with a torch, into the black hole (the lights bulb has been removed and I can't get to the bedside light). I drag her up onto the bed. She calls out hours upon hours later for "something to eat". I have already bought some rolls from the local baker in preparation for this call. Rolls are good binge food as the food can...

Alcoholism chat is what I need to do to ease the pain of despair going through me. I moved in with my partner (knowing she was an alcoholic - yes sounds crazy) because I was simply too lonely living alone. That is the sad reality. But right now I am not sure being alone is better or worse than living with an alcoholic. We have just pretty well agreed that I will move out (correction, I said that I would move out). That will be the end of this blog too. But the final decision has not been made. It may be possible to re-jig things so I am like a lodger. We behave politely to each other etc. but get on with each others lives. The trouble is it is quite a small flat so it's hard to avoid each other. I'll work on it. There are also financial aspects to consider as it is obviously cheaper to live together but the bigger issue will be the criteria for making the decision. Photo copyright and by ParanoidMonk