Alcoholism chat is what I need to do to ease the pain of despair going through me. I moved in with my partner (knowing she was an alcoholic - yes sounds crazy) because I was simply too lonely living alone. That is the sad reality. But right now I am not sure being alone is better or worse than living with an alcoholic.We have just pretty well agreed that I will move out (correction, I said that I would move out). That will be the end of this blog too. But the final decision has not been made. It may be possible to re-jig things so I am like a lodger. We behave politely to each other etc. but get on with each others lives. The trouble is it is quite a small flat so it's hard to avoid each other.
I'll work on it. There are also financial aspects to consider as it is obviously cheaper to live together but the bigger issue will be the criteria for making the decision.
Photo copyright and by ParanoidMonk
Hi,
ReplyDeleteHaving read your blog I felt a compulsion to leave some words of support for you. I have been affected by alcohol related emotional trauma from many sources throughout my life (my father, ex-husband and unfortunately i succumed myself for a while) so I have access to the dynamics that drive this destructive behaviour from a variety of positions. The most important message that I would like to pass onto you is that this is not something you should deal with in isolation. You NEED support. It can be an incredibly lonley experience which only makes the situation worse. Seek some help for yourself. I implore you not to allow the destructive behaviour of your partner to consume your life too - you are a worthy, unique and important individual so you need, for your own sanity, to save yourself. I know these are easy words and the deed of detatching is emotionally fraught with difficulties especially when you factor in financial practicalities. But it CAN be done and HAS be done. I spent 10 lonely, fraught years with my ex walking on eggshells, the lies, the broken promises, the aggressiveness, occassional violence, emotional battery which led to self hatred, despair and frustration. When I turned 30 (nearly 10 yrs ago) I made a promise to myself that I would no longer wait for him to deal with his problem because it was a waste of my time. Over the years I was probably facilitating his drinking behaviour by either moving the goalposts, giving in and saying nothing when I didnt have the strength to fight anymore. I found that once i had the courage to leave there was a huge feeling of relief aswell as guilt but his problem was now HIS problem and not mine. With hindsight its was the best decision I ever made, it was very very difficult at first but my spirit and soul were broken and it wouldnt have been too long before the rest of me followed. It was also a brilliant decision for my ex, it kick-started his rehabilitation and he has managed to move on from his destructive behaviour and drinking patterns.
Your parnter certainly has disordered thought processes, and may even have an underlying personality disorder, you cant help with either of these even if you wanted to. She needs objective professional help (in addition to AA) but im more concerned about you. As hard as it may be because you love her or have a sense of duty towards her, which are admirable qualities BTW, be true to youself, be selfish and put yourself first. Look up Richard Skerritt's website, www.tearsandhealing.com, he too lived with an abusive partner and now he writes books on how to move on from distructive relationships and how to understand disordered minds. I highly respect his insights I hope you find them empowering aswell.
I wish you peace and hope you can move on from your distructive present to a emotionally fulfilling future,
C
Dear Phoenix Rising (C),
ReplyDeleteThanks you for taking the time to write such a friendly, lovely and supportive comment. This has helped me. I'll take your advice and get some help to dispel some of the anger and upset.
Thanks again Phoenix Rising.
Freddie
Hello,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Bill (that’s my real name) and I’ve never read a blog before in my life. I don’t really understand them and if I write to your blog if you’ll get it or know where it’s from. I entered the internet to research antabuse and your reference popped up.
My mother was an alcoholic and my father knew that, lived with that and loved her for all that she was. He once gave me al long talk about tolerance when I was a teenager and I was annoyed by her drinking. (I’m now almost 58years old – true again). I had a great respect for what my father said and how tolerant he was and wise. Now that I’m older, I have a great respect for my mother and understand all that he said. They are both of course dead now. What I’m saying is that my mother was a wonderful woman and I have only seen that as I’ve grown older and wiser. My mother stopped drinking for the past few years of her life. I was very lucky to have both of them (my parents) and probably you’re lucky to have your partner for all the things she is.
Incidentally, I now have a drink problem and have not drunk for over 4 weeks with the help of antabuse.
It’s a funny world how things come around.
Good luck to you and especially to your partner – she’s also suffering. There are so many!
Bill
Hi Bill
ReplyDeleteThanks for your contribution. I felt bad this morning and last night. My partner is in fact back working but she has started to drink a bit and I got depressed thinking she might go down the slippery slope to a binge and them lose her job.
Your submission somehow makes me feel a bit better. As you can see I am still with her but it can be difficult