The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Jane made herself sick for a straight ten hours every five minutes after stopping her latest binge at about midnight. True. It started at about midnight last night and continued until ten this morning after she called a doctor to stop her. The only way to stop her at that stage is to give her an injection of a drug that chills her out and breaks the cycle. The drug is aloso an anti-sickness drug. Where Jane binged and made herself sick- image deliberately modified using "ink outlines" The point is this. She makes herself sick by stuffing her right hand down her throat. As her stomach is empty she drinks milk or flavoured water so that she can at least sick something up. Even with the flavoured water not much comes up. There is a massive amount of painful retching with nothing coming up. She cries out. She is in pain. She wants to be in pain. She wants to hurt herself. It is a form of self harm. Self harm born out of a disgust of herself. It is beyond low self esteem. It...

Although all scientific reports should be digested with caution, there was a report recently that said that binge drinking leads to an increased risk of Alzheimer's disease in older age. This is not at all surprising if true. Alcohol is a poison in large doses. Even in relatively small doses it is unhealthy but we consume it nonetheless. The after effects tell us how poisonous it is but we treat the after effects as some sort of routine process not as the body telling us that it is poison. We can feel sick. We get a hangover. Apparently a hangover is due to the brain swelling up. If you observe hard drinkers their entire body looks frail as if it has been broken down throughout. I would be surprised if there was no damage to the brain. In fact I think that Jane is more forgetful than she was or her memory is less good. As the change is gradual it can be hard to measure especially if you aren't actually looking out for it. Alcohlics don't care that they are hurting themselve...

There is only one type of alcoholism, the addiction to the rush of pleasure felt soon after drinking alcohol. After that fairly brief moment it is pretty much all downhill. This shows how on such a short term level the human mind works. Almost all we do is driven by short term gain. There are, though, many causes of alcoholism, meaning the reason for arriving at the position at which one is addicted to alcohol. One of the reasons for Jane is that she dislikes herself. This emotion about oneself will, it is certain, make life almost impossible to live. It is tough enough living in the world we have built but to dislike oneself at the same time - forget it. Her dislike of herself leads to the desire to punish herself. In my opinion she has been trained by her parents to be punished for being naughty. She is punishing herself by drinking neat Vodka. She knows that this will hurt her. She doesn't even like the stuff. She knows that it will cause upset and that will lead to me being an...