|Where Jane binged and made herself sick- image deliberately modified using "ink outlines"|
The point is this. She makes herself sick by stuffing her right hand down her throat. As her stomach is empty she drinks milk or flavoured water so that she can at least sick something up. Even with the flavoured water not much comes up. There is a massive amount of painful retching with nothing coming up. She cries out. She is in pain. She wants to be in pain. She wants to hurt herself. It is a form of self harm. Self harm born out of a disgust of herself. It is beyond low self esteem. It is self hate. The acid in her stomach damages her teeth and burns her lips. Her throat becomes sore because of constant contact with her fingers. Her stomach muscles ache badly. Her stomach becomes inflammed.
I was woken by her when she started. Actually, she may have started hours earlier. And because it is incredibly difficult for me to hear her harm herself like this, it is impossible to get back to sleep. I listened to the whole thing except for about two hours at the end when I was so exhausted and tortured that I fell asleep. It was agony for both of us. Note: we are in separate rooms.
Why didn't I stop her? It is impossible to stop her. She enters a temporary state of pure madness. She is a little mad permanently, though. And I am totally fed up with it. I was 99.9% of the way to strangling her. True.
This behavior of Jane also has a connection with bulimia and anorexia. She is borderline on both, it seems to me.
It is pure agony living through this sort of thing. I had to go out at about 10:00 am and when I got back at about 10:40 she had gone. I presume an ambulance had come and picked her up.
I heard her making the phone calls. She lies to medical people and herself about her drinking even after 30 years of it.
She told them she is a "heavy drinker". She is much more than that. She says she can't stop being sick after "heavy drinking". She makes herself sick. This is a different situation - completely different. She deceives the medical people. This makes it difficult for them.
It also shows that after all these years she does not admit to being an alcoholic. That is why she still is an alcoholic. The first stage in the process of recovery is to admit that you are addicted. It's a failure all round.
I'll be out of her in seven days all being well. Note: I chose to be here knowing her alcoholism. I choose to leave. I have my own weaknesses just like anyone else.