Sunday, 18 January 2009
The End Game?
Despair -- emptiness -- madness - Photo by Jano De Cesare
I don't know if Jane is approaching the end game but right now it feels like it. It is highly unnerving. Jane came out of hospital after an 11-12 day binge about 5 days ago or more. She slept most of the time and barely moved from the sofa. She ate what I gave her but it is never enough because she is a poor eater. She is weak. She is too thin. She started to binge again. No real break. No getting back to work. Just straight into the 'ole routine.
She looks like she has given up. She really does. Heavily depressed with an air of complete hopelessness. She is erratic and frankly dangerous. She is histrionic and creates scenes and trouble, which I find almost frightening. Jane has fallen over on to the hard floor about 4 times, twice when sober but I suppose dizzy through weakness. I told her to get up slowly and progress carefully.
I sit in my room and wait for the crash and cry. The thump then stillness. I wait for the fall that will injure her badly, perhaps kill her. Is the end game nigh? I will not buy any booze for her despite the possibility of her getting badly hurt if she goes to the shops for it. She was drunk on the sofa where she has taken root. As she was making an horrendous mess of the surrounding area and the fact that her bedroom is still disgusting, leaving me nowhere to live, I moved her back to her bedroom, where she is now. There is something in there that still stinks and I think it is sh*t.
Update - the next day: Jane seemed to stop so hasn't entered another full blown binge but who knows. One thing is certain, everything is uncertain.
The End Game to Alcoholism and Death