Sunday, 18 January 2009

The End Game?

alcoholism despair
Despair -- emptiness -- madness - Photo by Jano De Cesare

I don't know if Jane is approaching the end game but right now it feels like it. It is highly unnerving. Jane came out of hospital after an 11-12 day binge about 5 days ago or more. She slept most of the time and barely moved from the sofa. She ate what I gave her but it is never enough because she is a poor eater. She is weak. She is too thin. She started to binge again. No real break. No getting back to work. Just straight into the 'ole routine.

She looks like she has given up. She really does. Heavily depressed with an air of complete hopelessness. She is erratic and frankly dangerous. She is histrionic and creates scenes and trouble, which I find almost frightening. Jane has fallen over on to the hard floor about 4 times, twice when sober but I suppose dizzy through weakness. I told her to get up slowly and progress carefully.

I sit in my room and wait for the crash and cry. The thump then stillness. I wait for the fall that will injure her badly, perhaps kill her. Is the end game nigh? I will not buy any booze for her despite the possibility of her getting badly hurt if she goes to the shops for it. She was drunk on the sofa where she has taken root. As she was making an horrendous mess of the surrounding area and the fact that her bedroom is still disgusting, leaving me nowhere to live, I moved her back to her bedroom, where she is now. There is something in there that still stinks and I think it is sh*t.

Update - the next day: Jane seemed to stop so hasn't entered another full blown binge but who knows. One thing is certain, everything is uncertain.

The End Game to Alcoholism and Death


  1. i have been in the hospital all week so i'm just now reading your entries. unfortunately, even if we recover we do untold damage to both the physical and emotional health--and not just ourselves but everyone who has been part of this insideous disease. i go back again in a few days. apparently, i have headaches behind my left eye that result in vomiting bouts. the vomit is often tinged with blood. i also have ulcers and an enlarged heart so chest pains are constant. what we do to ouselves....

    anyway, i am so very sorry that you are caught up in this grim wait for death because she will die, you know. we cannot stave off our suicide forever and that, of course, is what it is. though my family cares about me i can see the fear and hesitancy in their hugs especially around this time of year. i feel like rip van winkle myself. i mourn the waste and loss of life such a devastating disease cost me. once that line was crossed i could no more control my drinking than i could control my bladder. i was an indentured servent and totally desperate.

    i am still ill so must go to bed but i will write back just as soon as i'm able. try to fnd one on one folks to talk to, may not know it but your ife depends on it too. just believe one thing. i care. devon

  2. Devon thanks for this and good luck to you. It is the disease that makes Jane what she is but it is so all pervading that the true self is destroyed. Jane's true character is hardly seen. Yes, if I stay it will damage me to. Something bad will happen to me as well. Something bad has already happened in fact. It has made me more melancholic.

  3. freddy, go to a website called type in my user name--itsmylife. you can read my journal entries, poetry, and the arduous road to get to where i am now. you can read the alcoholism chats on their board and find your own help if needed. if you put jane out what will be the outcome? do they have group homes for the mentally ill there? you must get tough or you won't survive.

    in case you're wondering the face behind the entries here feel free to look at my photos. i am definately an alcoholic but in most of them you would never guess the history and pain behind the frames.

    anyway, my family had to get a restraining order to keep me away. i wasn't violent but i was destroying their lives. my mother even sued for guardianship of my child. to this day my little girl lives with grammy. too often it(alcohol) creeps back with no warning. maia is safer and a happy child. as for me, the decision was one part of recovery. to finally get honest and to finally open the heart enough to do the right thing.

    i continue to admire your blog. you are indeed a man of courage.

  4. I just cannot believe she started binging again after the hospital. At least my husband would give it a few days before relapsing - while not intending to relapse from the start. She really doesn't want to get better and probably does have a mental illness besides the alcoholism. Wow. I'm sorry to hear this.

  5. Hi Cosufferer, Thanks for your comment. Yes, she is very depressed and lethargic even more so than normal. She is weak willed and has no desire to do anything. It is sad. However she is unpredictable and she seems to have stopped this mini binge and was more alert yesterday. Just don't know what will happen next.

  6. My Dear Freddie Fox,
    Please know there are many of us who care about you and Jane. It does sound like her frail body cannot take much more abuse. My prayers are with you now.

    Linda in Pennsylvania, USA

  7. Hi Linda, thank you for thinking of me. I pray for Jane too but the end game is coming for me, no doubt. By this I mean getting out. I'll have to take my chances. I am looking for a place to live (rent) far from here. I hope I can stay true to my intentions this time.


I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.