It has been a long time since I made a post on this blog. One reason why I haven't is because I have some doubts about it; about its morality. When I started it, it was out of desperation. I had to do it to talk to someone. To express the anger inside. The powerlessness and anguish. Every emotion possible. As I may have said somewhere else on the blog, it is like living through a long slow motion car crash. And your partner is dying in the process. When she drinks it is as if I am waiting for her to die, either by falling over on a hard surface (one of her favorites) or getting hit by a car when she stumbles out to the local shop to buy a couple of bottles of Mr V.
But I think on balance that the site is fair and useful. Useful to me and to some visitors. I gives a clue to how the victim of the alcoholic lives, in constant fear of the unexpected, the chaos. Pick the worst possible moment for Jane to drink and she will drink on that occasion. It is almost as if she does it deliberately to create the maximum amount of harm to herself (i.e. she will upset the most number of people who will be p*ssed off with her). So, this blog might inform some alcoholics as to how their drinking affects their loved ones. Mind you they probably already know that and it doesn't do a damn thing to change things.
It is this lack of change that creates the hopelessness in the victim, the partner. Anyway, I have moved into the main bedroom, with Jane's encouragement, in fact. This makes for a better bolt hole where I can keep out of the way when she is on a binge. And on the subject of binges, Jane has only had one shortish binge recently over a longish period of about 3 months. That is great and I have praised her for it. It has also meant that her job is more secure. However, she does drink slightly differently as a result; usually a miniature or two after work on the way home. So she comes in a bit drunk and is asleep within a couple of hours. That translates, for me, into not seeing her that much! Or at least interacting with her less because she is asleep. Jane is nearly always tired and sleeps like a log.
Her health is not good. Mine isn't that great either, come to think about it! But for her I get the gut feeling that her body is at last complaining about the 25 plus years of punishment it has taken in alcohol abuse. Although a binge is less damaging than constant trickle soaking in alcohol as the body has a respite to recover.
So, at the moment she is not that well. That is another fear of mine. Last night I went to bed thinking that she might die in her sleep. Irrational perhaps. But it is the kind of thought that is generated when you are a victim of an alcoholic. This is my diary.
I am going to put some videos on. Here is one of a celeb who could be drunk?
But I think on balance that the site is fair and useful. Useful to me and to some visitors. I gives a clue to how the victim of the alcoholic lives, in constant fear of the unexpected, the chaos. Pick the worst possible moment for Jane to drink and she will drink on that occasion. It is almost as if she does it deliberately to create the maximum amount of harm to herself (i.e. she will upset the most number of people who will be p*ssed off with her). So, this blog might inform some alcoholics as to how their drinking affects their loved ones. Mind you they probably already know that and it doesn't do a damn thing to change things.
It is this lack of change that creates the hopelessness in the victim, the partner. Anyway, I have moved into the main bedroom, with Jane's encouragement, in fact. This makes for a better bolt hole where I can keep out of the way when she is on a binge. And on the subject of binges, Jane has only had one shortish binge recently over a longish period of about 3 months. That is great and I have praised her for it. It has also meant that her job is more secure. However, she does drink slightly differently as a result; usually a miniature or two after work on the way home. So she comes in a bit drunk and is asleep within a couple of hours. That translates, for me, into not seeing her that much! Or at least interacting with her less because she is asleep. Jane is nearly always tired and sleeps like a log.
Her health is not good. Mine isn't that great either, come to think about it! But for her I get the gut feeling that her body is at last complaining about the 25 plus years of punishment it has taken in alcohol abuse. Although a binge is less damaging than constant trickle soaking in alcohol as the body has a respite to recover.
So, at the moment she is not that well. That is another fear of mine. Last night I went to bed thinking that she might die in her sleep. Irrational perhaps. But it is the kind of thought that is generated when you are a victim of an alcoholic. This is my diary.
I am going to put some videos on. Here is one of a celeb who could be drunk?
Hi Freddy Fox,
ReplyDeleteWelcome back! I am glad you did not quit the blog altogether. I look forward to reading your posts... they help me cope in some strange way.
I'm glad to hear that Jane is better. That's great progress, considering how bad things were before. I hope she can learn to control it, that's if she cannot quit.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back Freddy!! I'm so happy you are blogging again. I've been concerned about Jane and the episode with her pancreas the last time she was hospitalized. They may have warned her about the next time.
ReplyDeleteBut, Freddy, again your response to the first comment includes your picture. Did you mean to do that? I know you want to remain anonymous.
Linda in Pa.
Hi Guys, Thanks Linda. Damn I just get careless sometimes, with comments. I deleted it. Yes, all is kinda normal. Actually I am worried about Jane's health as she is not well mentally, cognitively. Looking into it. Thanks for the comments.
ReplyDeleteDon't mean to scare you but I thought you might find this interesting. It's from a forum called WQD.
ReplyDeleteHi guys,
I would just like to share this with you. I had an acute pancreatitus attack 2 months ago. Google it or go to WebMd and you will see that it is usually caused by alcohol because alcohol stops the pancreas from sending powerful enzymes to the stomach to digest food. The result; the enzymes begin to eat away at the pancreas and then other organs of your body. You can't live without a pancreas and a transplant is next to impossible. Once you have had this attack, ONE drink can trigger it again. The mortality rate is 20 to 80 percent, depending on the damage. The pain is unbearable. Shots of morphine every hour barely took the edge off in the hospital. Later I was sent home with oxycodone. I took 1000 miligrams every 3 hours. Again, just to take the edge off. The pain lasted for 3 days. For one week after the pain leaves, you cannot eat. The pancreas needs to rest. Luckily for me, I had no permanent damage. You may not be so lucky. Just look in the obits and see how many die from this. Oh, and you don't have to be a problem drinker to get pancreatitus. A weekend of heavy partying can do it. For many the pain lasts for weeks, months, or a lifetime. Don't mean to be a downer, but you need to know what I learned the hard way. Take care.
Thinking of you Freddie, Linda
Hi Linda, Yes, I know a bit about pancreatitis as Jane has had it a few times and she has been hospitalized for several days and been near death on those occasions.
ReplyDeleteIt didn't stop her binging. She now has cognitive impairment and I don't know if it is due to alcohol abuse or what but it is probably due to binging and pill taking for the past 25 plus years. We are seeing a neurologist. Alocohol abuse catches up on you.
Just wondering, why do you call yourself a "victim"? I was in a relationship w/an alcoholic and I do not consider myself a victim. That's very dis-empowering. That's suggesting I did not have a choice.
ReplyDeleteOf course I had a choice, all along. And eventually it got so bad for me, I chose to walk. Victim? No. Willing participant? Yes. Codependent and sick in my own head? Yes indeed.