Yes, it is true. I am leaving Jane at last. I am moving out. I am in the process of buying a new home. It is not that far away, which I guess carries some dangers but I will be alone in my place, a place that Jane can't mess up. And she will no longer be able to mess me up too.
Of course she is upset, big time upset. But she even says that she understands why so that is some recognition by her of what she has done and is like.
She has had two huge month-long binges recently that have finished me off. I just can't take anymore. My brain has told me to go, get out. It is a pure survival thing. I almost have no choice anymore. It is go or something bad will happen.
There have been times when I have genuinely wanted to kill her - strangle her to death with a smile on my face. She has pushed me 90% of the way to that feeling and that is scary, believe me as I am not some sort of alpha male violent person.
In the last binge she pissed, defecated and vomited into her own bed and she lay in it for ten days! The binge lasted three-plus weeks. She lay in bed still for almost four weeks. She barely ate. She made the usual chaotic mess. She fell over as usual on a hard floor. I waited for her to die. She will outlive me if I stay. The whole flat smelled awful. It was intolerable. When she stopped she spoke complete nonsense for most of one day. She was temporarily insane. It was disturbing.
I have to remove myself from this madness. I have warned her over and over again that I am leaving if she continued and she continued. She makes little effort to stop, to change her ways or listen. She keeps saying that she is going to AA but doesn't which shows a distinct lack of commitment.
It will be hard for me. I will have to rebuild my life and I am not young anymore. I am old and I feel old but there is no other way. I am joining a club nearby to see if I can socialize a bit more and play some sport. I am naturally good at sport so can enjoy it again.
But I am scared. Scared of being alone and becoming depressed. Depressed to the point where I can no longer live and take my own life. I have the courage to do that. Wish me luck.
Update Feb 2011: I am actually about to move. It should happen within two weeks. This is hard. I feel sad. I feel unnerved. Jane is still the same and the situation is stressed but I do my best to keep things calm while I make preparations to go. I am holding firm and will not waiver.
In short my mind is made up. I have joined a local sports club and am doing more gym work, golf and tennis etc. I like sport and am good at it although I am no longer young so my body doesn't hold up that well. Sport helps me to feel better. I do gym work mainly to feel better because I am sad at being alone again.
I would see Jane again after I go if she wants to meet up as long as she is sober. I'll Breathalyzer her when she turns up to visit! But I don't think she will visit and if she does occasionally she will probably be drunk so no point.
I am trying to be more sociable, to meet people and make friends but it is a bit of a struggle as I am not that sociable a person. I just want one good women to share life with, which seems to be impossible for me to achieve.
Update 2nd March 2011: Jane has started a binge. She started about 3 days ago. My life feels alien to me. I am alone.