Monday, 24 January 2011

Leaving at Last

Yes, it is true. I am leaving Jane at last. I am moving out. I am in the process of buying a new home. It is not that far away, which I guess carries some dangers but I will be alone in my place, a place that Jane can't mess up. And she will no longer be able to mess me up too.

Of course she is upset, big time upset. But she even says that she understands why so that is some recognition by her of what she has done and is like.

She has had two huge month-long binges recently that have finished me off. I just can't take anymore. My brain has told me to go, get out. It is a pure survival thing. I almost have no choice anymore. It is go or something bad will happen.

There have been times when I have genuinely wanted to kill her - strangle her to death with a smile on my face. She has pushed me 90% of the way to that feeling and that is scary, believe me as I am not some sort of alpha male violent person.

In the last binge she pissed, defecated and vomited into her own bed and she lay in it for ten days! The binge lasted three-plus weeks. She lay in bed still for almost four weeks. She barely ate. She made the usual chaotic mess. She fell over as usual on a hard floor. I waited for her to die. She will outlive me if I stay. The whole flat smelled awful. It was intolerable. When she stopped she spoke complete nonsense for most of one day. She was temporarily insane. It was disturbing.

I have to remove myself from this madness. I have warned her over and over again that I am leaving if she continued and she continued. She makes little effort to stop, to change her ways or listen. She keeps saying that she is going to AA but doesn't which shows a distinct lack of commitment.

It will be hard for me. I will have to rebuild my life and I am not young anymore. I am old and I feel old but there is no other way. I am joining a club nearby to see if I can socialize a bit more and play some sport. I am naturally good at sport so can enjoy it again.

But I am scared. Scared of being alone and becoming depressed. Depressed to the point where I can no longer live and take my own life. I have the courage to do that. Wish me luck.

Update Feb 2011: I am actually about to move. It should happen within two weeks. This is hard. I feel sad. I feel unnerved. Jane is still the same and the situation is stressed but I do my best to keep things calm while I make preparations to go. I am holding firm and will not waiver.

In short my mind is made up. I have joined a local sports club and am doing more gym work, golf and tennis etc. I like sport and am good at it although I am no longer young so my body doesn't hold up that well. Sport helps me to feel better. I do gym work mainly to feel better because I am sad at being alone again.

I would see Jane again after I go if she wants to meet up as long as she is sober. I'll Breathalyzer her when she turns up to visit! But I don't think she will visit and if she does occasionally she will probably be drunk so no point.

I am trying to be more sociable, to meet people and make friends but it is a bit of a struggle as I am not that sociable a person. I just want one good women to share life with, which seems to be impossible for me to achieve.

Update 2nd March 2011: Jane has started a binge. She started about 3 days ago. My life feels alien to me. I am alone.

16 comments:

  1. This is way beyond alcoholism. This woman is mentally ill and really should be committed. I have known people who have gone on alcoholic binges but NEVER to the extend you describe not even close. It's good that you are moving out - before you become mentally ill too. In the U.S. the state will commit people who are a danger to themselves and it sounds like this is the case with you. Sorry.

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  2. Yes, you are correct she is slightly mad! You wouldn't believe it if you met her in the street. There are quite a lot of people that are slightly mad.

    My description in the post is 100% accurate by the way.

    It's a mad world.

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  3. I had no doubts about your accuracy. You know, you are a really good person. You deserve the best in life and you deserve to be happy. Join a lot of clubs to meet people. Do what you enjoy. Some lucky woman will notice your light, I have no doubt of it. I met my Englishman on a dating service called plenty of fish - it's an international dating service and totally free. I talked my mother into joining it and she met the love of her life there - she had just turned 70. I'm back in college to get my degree and start the career I've always dreamed of - I'm 43. You see you are never too old and it's never too late to pursue your dreams. If you get too lonely you can always get a housemate - at the very least you will have company and maybe even a good friend. Anyway, take care of yourself and all the best to you.

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  4. Thank you Kathleenscorrection for a really nice comment. It is very good of you to leave a comment like that. It has made me feel better. All the best to you too and your mum.

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  5. She could be at the point of "wet brain".
    I wish for you health and happiness.
    My heart carries yours.

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  6. Thank you anonymous. I sometimes feel that I need to be carried as I have become a bit worn out. There are many people much worse off than me. I have some money so I should be alright. It is just the mental side that worries me.

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  7. Im glad u left her because i dont feel sorry for her at all shes disgusting weak and selfish. She was quite happy to take u down with her like all alcoholics an deserves to destroy themselves alone. I say this from experience, dont feel like youve left anything behind, because u didnt, you are now free.

    Krystal

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  8. Thank you for that optimistic and supportive comment. It is appreciated.

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  9. I am the mother of an alcoholic daughter who
    has stopped drinking after a week long alcohol
    binge.During that week,I decided that
    if she did not stop, I would have to let her
    carry on by herself and I would have to carry
    on with my life.

    Your site has helped me make that decision.I am
    very greatful to you.

    Peace be with you.

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  10. Response to the last comment: Peace be with you. I wish you the best of luck. It is hard, so very hard to let go. But we must. I would think that it is tougher for you being her mother. Only she can stop. People can help her but only she can actually stop. And stop she must and she must stop for the rest of her life. This can only be managed, never cured. I wish her the best of luck too because it is a life destroyer - alcoholism.

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  11. I was reading through all of your posts and I realized how familiar all of this sounds. My best friend of 22 years was an alcoholic. We spent several hours talking each day over the years. She started drinking at 15 or 16. She never seemed to grow emotionally beyond that point. Near the end, she had periods of delusion.It was almost like she had brain damage. She was severely depressed through the hoidays after a particulary bad binge that landed her in detox. She had lost almost everything. They found her dead in her apartment at the age of 35 last month. As her friend, I am devastated. I don't have guilt over what I could have done to save her. There was a point in which I realized that she had to save herself. I offered her only my love and friendship to avoid enabling her.I loved her unconditionally as a person. I thought she was beautiful and funny. We always laughed together. There were brief periods of clarity for her when she was very self reflective and perceptive. She would do really well for a while and then spiral out of control again to a worse degree. It was gut wrenching to watch. It is almost like living with someone who is terminally ill. You see what is about to happen, but you feel powerless to change it and they won't. In the end, I lost my best friend. The grief overwhelms me daily and is worse at night. I am grieving for the loss of my beautiful friend, not for the alcoholic who couldn't seem to turn her life around. Remember, even though you have decided to leave, this experience will always be part of you. It may prove harder than you think to adjust.. When you live in an environment like that for so long, you aren't even sure what "normal" is. Good luck with your transition. Be patient with yourself and kind. Attach meaning to the experience and try to move forward.. You will come out of the other side with strength and not as a victim.

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  12. Response to last comment from the author of this blog. It made me cry. Say no more.

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  13. Krystal - you suck.
    This is not about being weak or selfish. It's a mental illness. I hope you get it back in your face, bitch.

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  14. I agree, alcoholism is a recognised illness and comments like yours Krystal are not helpful and just demonstrate you have no idea what you are talking about

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  15. Hi Freddie please can we have an update on how you and Jane are. I have followed your blogg for a long time now and really would like to hear what is happening even when and if you and Jane part, thinking of you both with the very best of intensions, god bless

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  16. Hi, response to last comment. I have made a short update in the blog post. Nothing much to report. Life is a bit mundane and sad but I live in hope of a better life.

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I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.