Sorry for the very long wait. I didn't want to bother to write this. To be honest it has become boring to write this blog. This is because I created the blog to offload some of my anger and emotional anguish but this has now dissipated for various reasons.
One of the reasons is that Jane has improved. There is no doubt in my mind that since meeting her, her drinking has become much less of a way of life and more of an occasional blip. She still lapses and the odd mini-binge but before her binges would take her out of operation for up to a month, whereas now she can get away with it. It interferes with her life much less. I am going to boast and say that I believe a lot of the progress is due to me.
Anyway that isn't the point. Another reason why things have improved is because I left our home and moved into a flat about 3 miles away. That happened last October 2013. I knew, however, that I would be extremely lonely and I am.
I still see Jane. I actually love her, I truly do. In many ways we are made for each other. I've tried to escape but I'm always drawn back. I sometimes feel I'm a father to her and that is the binding connection which is unbreakable it seems.
Nowadays, I meet her once or twice a week and we go out and have a really great time together. We go to the park and have a picnic or go to the shopping centre and do some window shopping or even actual shopping. We go to a cafe/restaurant and drink coffee and have a pastry and natter. Well, she does the nattering and I do the listening. That is the role of a man.
I believe and hope that we have a long-term future together. We have known each other for about 20 years now and perhaps that history is part of us and cannot be prised away from us. It is a complicated relationship but so often relationships are. It is normal. Nobody should be critical of a complicated relationship. It's very human.
All I actually wanted was more space. I wanted to live in a bigger place where I could have my own little bit of space and time to time to relieve the pressure on the relationship which built up especially after her suicide attempt causing an injury which took a long time to heal and which is still with her today over a year later.
All relationships can be put under pressure even the best ones by incidents that occur within the relationship. If you add the difficulty over her injury with her past binge drinking and my own pressures then you can see that a bit of space, and I mean physical space, in a larger home is useful in order to find some peace and tranquillity.
I believe that human relationships do need certain fundamental factors to be in place to make them work. That might not always be the case in exceptional circumstances but most relationships need some support and input. Relationships need feeding and reinvigorating.
Moving out has helped the relationship in giving us both some space. To be honest, I bought another flat as an investment, pure and simple, but after I bought it I thought I should move into it although that was not the original intention. It was a big move and it has been painful, very painful from the point of view of loneliness. It was necessary and I am hopeful that we can build from here on in. I'm not certain though, just hopeful and live, like many others, day by day.