Things have been good for a while now. We live apart but we see each other quite a lot. In fact, we go out a lot together and enjoy each other's company tremendously. We love each other. There is no question about that. We will always be drawn to each other and it has nothing to do with alcoholism or alcohol. It is just that at our core we are very similar and we love that part of each other.
Rather strangely, I treat her like a daughter; a daughter that I never had.
This is because she behaves like a girl rather than a woman. She knows that. I have told her. She does not mind. But it is that childlike quality which is so charming. There is an innocence there - innocence is always charming and attractive. She has a pureness of mind which has been damaged by life's experiences. I feel like a nurse and probably am sometimes. I help a lot, I feel. She does not know how much she hurts me when she drinks. She has not drunk for quite a while or if she has drunk they have been very small sessions which I have not noticed were hardly noticed.
However, very recently she had a mini binge which is extremely hurtful to me. It destroys hope that I have for our future. Alcoholics are selfish. They don't realise how much they hurt people who love them emotionally. I'm used to being disappointed and upset. I can manage being hurt. But it is very difficult. It is the impossibility of trying to change the ways of an alcoholic which creates despair.
It is impossible to stop an alcoholic. Only they can stop themselves. The more you try and stop them the worse things get. It is a pointless exercise. Never ever, ever love an alcoholic, that is my advice. It is quite pointless and distressing and will lead to despair.
Although there will be many highs and lovely moments, arguably the overall experience of loving alcoholic is a negative one. That argument cannot be avoided. The conclusion cannot be avoided.
Overall, though, it is not negative at this moment.
She had a mini binge and she lied about it but I told her that she had lied and she admitted she had binged. The trouble is now that her alcoholism causes great physical problems with her stomach and one day may kill her because although her other organs such as liver and kidney are all right, her stomach appears to be very sensitive to alcohol and she invariably has a lot of stomach pain after even a short binge.
Thankfully as mentioned, she does not binge hardly at all these days but as also mentioned she has just had one and gone to hospital as a result because of her stomach pain and as at the time of writing this article I do not know how ill she is or how well she is and whether she will recover quickly in time for Christmas. I expect that she will recover fairly fast and look forward to seeing her again but Christmas is a bad time alcoholics. Anyway, it is in the case of Jane.
Over many years she has almost invariably drunk herself senseless from just before Christmas to just after it thereby wiping out what could be and should be a very pleasant time for both her and those who love her.
I hope that this time it'll be different. I expect that it will in fact because she has improved tremendously but alcoholics never ever eliminate the possibility of drinking again. That danger always exists. We know that.