Parallel Universe -that is where I am - photo by yhancik
If you have been an alcoholic for say 30 years and are say about mid fifties, I believe that you are more likely to become a worse alcoholic if you are not so called "recovering" (a euphemism for managing to control it - just).
This, I feel, is the case with Jane. Her binges are slightly different. There is more an air that she has given up. And giving up is not the thing to do if you are an alcoholic.
As I write this she is in the 8th day of a binge. As a reminder, for her, a binge is:
- to lie in bed almost permanently
- to consume about one 75 ml bottle of vodka per day (wine bottle size) (update: this means 75 cl or a wine bottle size)
- to eat extremely little
- to lose weight (she is a poor eater and thin anyway)
- to make herself sick
- to sleep in an horrendous smelly mess
- to make death rattle noises in the night
- to give me the feeling that I am living with a corpse
- to go out to the shops to buy more booze looking like a dirty drunk tramp inviting a mugging
- to make me very anxious
- to make me feel that I am in a parallel universe
- to make me want to leave and I will bloody leave this time
Wow, Freddie, sorry to hear all this. Did you say 75 ml? A bottle of V here is 750 ml. So 75ml is not really that much. I'm assuming you mean 750. Anyways, for me, I get distraugt and drink when I get a set back. And I feel like crap the next day. Vow every time not to do it again, that it won't make things better in the long run (of course right then and there I escape to a different place which works nice for right there and then). I'm sorry to hear that the binges shifted to giving up. We always need to try. I'm giving a go at Zen and Yoga. My instructor teaches the beauty of what is here and how to enjoy it. I'm still a student in this. Best.
ReplyDeleteHi Nora
ReplyDeleteYes, I meant the standard bottle of wine size - 75 cl. A lot for a slim women.
I called the ambulance this morning and she is now in hospital.
Just another sh*tty death defying binge, no more.
I'll get some sleep tonight.
I so sorry to hear you're going through this again. It's been a long time since you blogged. I was hoping Jane was better after her run last September. So here you go again? I hope you're taking good care of yourself, Freddie. This is not a good way for you to live.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I forgot to sign:
ReplyDeleteLinda in Pennsylvania
Hi Linda
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. No, I am on the verge of changing things. I keeep saying this but I don't want to live alone. I fear that a bit because I know it will hurt.
My mother died 3 months ago and my father died last Sunday so things have changed.
Jane knows what's what and that she has to prioritise her alcoholism and fight it with commitment.
It's tough but we keep going.
I am terribly sorry for your losses. I too lost both of my parents within a year of each other and it was so hard.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that was what may have triggered Jane's binge? I'm hoping she's okay. Stay strong, Freddie!
Linda in Pa.
Hi Linda, today Jane and myself watched a very near neighbour (L) die today. It was about three hours ago. She died of cancer. It was harrowing but a great release for L.
ReplyDeleteJane is OK. Very tearful but no binge. That said I have told her I will be leaving at the end of the year unless things change.
I had to. My life has changed and it is time to embrace that.
This page offers support for the family of friends of alcoholics, you might find comfort ..
ReplyDeletewwww.soberrecovery.com
I've been fighting alcohol addiction myself, I'm sorry to read what you've had to go through.
~T
Last comment:
ReplyDeleteThanks very much for the help and advice. It is kind of you.
I love your writing that recovery is a euphemism for managing to control it - just). Your writing is awesome and it's in the back of my mind ever since you wrote it.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is truly inspirational. I am an alcoholic and your insightful comments about the causes of alcoholism have really hit home for me. You have helped me more than any other resource or person. Such a pity that Jane can't read it.
ReplyDeleteI went through what you are going through for a long time. I kept telling my partner and myself that I would leave soon if things didn't change. I hated the alcohol, but I was desperately in love with the alcoholic. It went on for nearly ten years. Sometimes better, sometimes worse.
ReplyDeleteThen one day I got a call at work from our tennant that she couldn't wake him. I knew at once what that meant and rushed home. He died in our bed of alcoholic cardiomyopathy...his heart died from the alcohol.
Don't wait to take your life back. His disease very nearly claimed two lives. But I have taken mine back and am becoming whole again. Good luck to you.
Response to the last comment. Thank you very much for your kind comment.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about it (leaving) all the time. I don't want to live alone. I am torn between being alone and sad and being with her and sad.
I am upset.
Hey Freddie!
ReplyDeleteMy name is Kim and my mum is an alcoholic who drinks a bottle of vodka a day. I have only read your first post and know extremely little about you situation. However what Jane is doing; lying in bed, lying in a mess all that is exactly as my mother does however I continue to support and love her and not get angry anymore. I know she does not want to do this and the few hours or minutes she is sober I know she has an extreme feeling of guilt and shame which probably drives her to drink again. I know you need to live your own life.
The point in my comment was to advice you to not leave jane however as I think about it now I do not know what the right advice is. Perhaps your anger towards her is not making the situation better (im sorry to say but my mothers partner is so angry at her that I believe he does not make the situation any better I do not know why he doesnt leave)That seems harsh but it could be very true. I say you can either support her and love her as Imsure you do love her or leave her as you could be making it worse.
Best wishes. Kim., 19 Glasgow x
Thanks Kim for the comment. I am leaving her for my own health. I think that leaving her will be worse for her as when I was not living with her and visiting her she was in a massive mess.
ReplyDeleteI intend to leave in early June 2010. This is almost certain.
It is wrong for me to stay as I have learnt to hate her.
I am not her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is Mr Vodka. I am the third party and I have to go under these circumstances.
Freddy, I was going to write to ask about you and Jane, then I saw your most recent reply. What you said about needing to take care of your own health could not be truer. And that is not just mental health, for the stress of dealing with an alcoholic who can't pull out takes a huge toll on one's physical health. If you do leave, going through a period of talking about it in a support group such as alanon or friends can really help. Your own recovery from alcoholism is as much of a healing process as it would be for anyone who is recovering from a major illness, addiction or post-traumatic stress disorder. It takes time, and lots of thoughts, little decisions, and directedness toward yourself.
ReplyDeleteOMG PLEASE LEAVE. I left my alcoholic after 3 yrs and yes I live alone, but it is SO much better! I am so much less stressed. I get lonely but I have friends. Do you have friends, or any family you can turn to? You are living in insanity, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do it for 15 years. You must be a very patient man.
ReplyDeleteI was with my alcoholic bf for 5 months and it drove me insane.
And just when I thought everything was getting better, when he was willing to see a specialist for addictions, and go to AA, and for detox programs, he lost control in one night of being out with his friends and started binge drinking again from there. He took drugs (even though he never took them before) and slept with 2 women in a span of 2 weeks.
He literally changed overnight. I spent a month trying to reconcile the person I knew before and the person I know now.
He's been this way for the past month, and even though I still love him and care deeply for him, I have realised we can never have a future together.
He's very lucky that the other women he'd slept with are good women - they are all helping him to cope with his problems, although sometimes I feel that they are enabling him to continue with his drinking.
When my ex bf wasn't drinking, he was a sweetheart and a lot of fun to be with. When he's drinking, he is a living zombie. He doesn't do anything except lay around in bed and gets all depressed and moody.
It's hard to leave but you must love yourself too and believe there's a better future for you.
Response to last comment. I am the person who wrote this blog. I am leaving! Phew. I am buying a new home and all being well will leave in about 2 months.
ReplyDeleteAs you say there is no future living with an alcoholic. They are so nihilistic, negative, hopeless and a huge pain in the bum.
Good luck to you and thanks for commenting.