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| Vodka bottles - post edited by me - original by Scorpions and Centaurs |
I say to Jane, "You are awful when you are drunk. You lie and sneak booze in to the home. You lie in bed for days on end in your mess, piss and crap. You fall over when you go to the loo and injure yourself. This scares me. Your bedroom stinks. You are horrible."....and so on...! I add the odd swear word as you might imagine.
Jane says, "I know but I can't help it". Then she says, "I know you love me deep down...in your own way"..
All of it - true. So she can't help it. I guess we all knew that. It is called addiction. Sometimes in the past her family would ask. "what brought on this last binge?".
I would reply, "addiction to alcohol". It is that simple at its core. Of course there are a lot of subtle psychological problems that gradually drive someone to drinking alcohol to excess which leads to addiction. But it is the addiction that then takes over and becomes free-standing.
At that point, the point that you cross the wire and can never go back, the underlying psychological reasons are almost irrelevant. It is just about gradually eroding and chipping away at the addiction to the effects of ethanol alcohol. Of course you have to deal with the underlying problems too, to prevent addiction reoccurring. The problem becomes layered.
"What do you like about alcohol?" I ask Jane. "The rush", she replies. The kind of rush you get if you drink a miniature bottle or two of neat vodka. It hits after about 20 minutes and you fall asleep not longer afterward, "I feel tired, I don't know why.." Jane says. I know why, I say to myself but I don't tell her, no point.
We both can't help it. Her addiction to booze and my love for her. I have a weakness to. It is an uncontrollable sensitivity to the vulnerable that I need to help. I believe this comes from being vulnerable and abused myself as a young person.
I live with an alcoholic husband. And, I love him but the trust is gone. He lies about his drinking, hides bottles of wine all over the place, hurts himself by falling into things or, worse, down stairs. I have been to the hospital with him after a particularly bad tumble down the stairs. It didn't change anything. I am close to throwing in the towel. I told him I can't help him. I am done pleading and screaming and crying. I think my life is more important. My sanity. I can't stop him. I love him but I am trying to love myself more. I am a successful person and I feel the anger saturate everything now. I am unhappy and disappointed. No one knows the full extent of how horrible I feel. I have a hard time letting friends help. I have looked at apartments, too. I have thought of a life without an alcoholic. Nothing is ever certain with an alcoholic. I would like to live a life with more of it. that is to say, I would like to live a life where I have more control and less fucking anger. God, I am so fucking angry.
ReplyDeleteHave you gone to Al-Anon? I am going to try a few meetings out. She can take her life but don't let her take yours.
Jen
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ReplyDeleteHi, You could be me! Everything you have written I could write and have written myself. It is a kind of agony. And yes anger. Where does the anger come from? I think it is that we love someone genuinely and they can't return it. We are frustrated because we don't want to leave but have to leave. It is a dilemma and a torment. I think it is that which causes the anger; giving love to person who just takes it and hurts you in return albeit unintentionally. They say they are sorry - pointless. It makes me angry when she says sorry. It puts me on edge, Jane's alcoholism. If she stays in bed a bit longer than normal and makes a weak excuse I think she is about to binge for days. I get nervous and angry under these circumstances. I have tried Al-Anon and it did not work for me. It is a coffee shop chat without really facing reality. It is sort of support system and for me it was mainly women who found me too plain speaking. Too female orientated for me. Don't get me wrong I like females but I wanted raw help not a chat. Good luck. Are you in the UK?
ReplyDeleteI lost my eldest brother to alcohol (indirectly) a few months ago. The anger that i felt & expressed after many years of him having seemingly “crossed the wire” - with sometimes months of sobriety in between - is my biggest regret. I hope he knew i loved him (outside of his addiction he was a fantastic guy). My anger was understandable, but misplaced according to your blog and many other similar well-documented cases. This condition is sinister and perplexing. For your peace of mind, I think you should try and conquer or at least suppress your anger (of course you will always be frustrated & I know you have to be strict otherwise things can go crazy). I think that if jane says she is sorry, it is in fact a sign of self-awareness and maybe a positive thing, however feeble (yes, you need a bit more than “sorry”, but you may have a foot in the door there). Your blog is a fantastic insight. Keep it up & good luck. Doug d.
ReplyDeleteDoug what a lovely sensative person you are and your insight to this disease is refreshing. You clearly understand addiction and your tolerance is touching.I am sorry you lost you brother to this awful disease, please do not feel you let him down by being angry and disappointed, you did your best and so did he. Kind thoughts coming your way.
DeleteThanks doug d for sharing. I appreciate your input and will take note. I can be too hard sometimes (maybe) but I have run out of compassion almost.
ReplyDeleteFreddy,
ReplyDeleteWow, just read your blog post a year ago today...can u share how things have changed? Hope you are both happy & in good health!