The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

I don't think a binge alcoholic and perhaps even a binge alcoholic who is just starting on the road to recovery, should take on new responsibilities because they are quite likely to fail and upset people. They are more likely to hurt more people. Binge alcoholics are unsuited to taking on responsibilities. They are too unreliable. That is my experience in any case. Some constant alcoholics can manage and live relatively normal lives but they are very different to binge alcoholics. Jane is a binge alcoholic and she has informally adopted a cat. The cat is a stray cat who has made her home with Jane. This is partly because Jane has been unemployed for a while and therefore is at home a lot of the time and the cat probably comes from a home where she is not particularly wanted or looked after properly. But, when Jane wants to have a drink, everything flies out of the window. Nothing is in her brain except the desire to have a drink. Not even the health consequences of that drink wi...

Things have been good for a while now. We live apart but we see each other quite a lot. In fact, we go out a lot together and enjoy each other's company tremendously. We love each other. There is no question about that. We will always be drawn to each other and it has nothing to do with alcoholism or alcohol. It is just that at our core we are very similar and we love that part of each other. Rather strangely, I treat her like a daughter; a daughter that I never had. This is because she behaves like a girl rather than a woman. She knows that. I have told her. She does not mind. But it is that childlike quality which is so charming. There is an innocence there - innocence is always charming and attractive. She has a pureness of mind which has been damaged by life's experiences. I feel like a nurse and probably am sometimes. I help a lot, I feel. She does not know how much she hurts me when she drinks. She has not drunk for quite a while or if she has drunk they have been ver...

Just a quick note to say Jane has been found. It was a false alarm. She had binged. Some misinformation was provided by a hospital, which caused a lot of distress and wasted time. I won't go into detail but it was a bad 4 days.

Jane has been missing for about a week. I have reported her missing to the police. I've checked hospitals and her flat et cetera without success. This is simply a record of this moment as much for my benefit as anyone else's. The way I feel at the moment, I am almost sure that she has ended her life but of course I can't be sure but that is the way it feels. Jane has been particularly down recently having lost her job and has been through three binges. This is out of the ordinary, what is happening at the moment. It is very difficult for me to do anything else at the moment other than try to find her. But where do you start? I have to use my knowledge of her and the way she thinks to figure out where she is right now.

It's gone bad again because Jane has lost her job which has caused her to go into meltdown in my opinion. She has binged three times since she lost her job about a month ago, gone to hospital and has yet to apply for a job. It's all very dire, very bleak and a complete disaster. I genuinely fear for her life. I have hardly seen her in a normal condition since she has been out of work. That is the update. Sorry it is so short but not much more to say to be honest except that it is a depressing situation which has a hopelessness about it which I'm afraid is typical of a binge alcoholic like Jane. Their lives are nihilistic. Bleak and without real hope. Jane can't cope at the moment. It  may change.

Jane has taken a backward step and I am bloody glad I don't live with her anymore. If you saw her flat you'd understand; total disaster. She lives like a busted tramp. She has lost her job and descended in a downward spiral of chaos and turpitude. She is hopeless, and hopelessly lost. Sorry if this sounds critical. It is not meant to be. It is meant to be honest. There is no way you can say anything other than what I have said. To live with her when she is on a binge is like living through a slow motion car crash so I am glad to be out of it although I'd like to see her again when she is normal. We do have some fun together when she is not at the bottom of a black abyss of self-loathing, lying amongst her squalid and sick-drenched possessions. She has been to hospital for pancreatitis. I visited daily and caught a chest infection at the hospital! Can you believe it? It capped an awful winter for me of long term infections. Jane never sticks to her promises. ...