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She Wants to Die

Jane wants to die. She has desired this for many years. She continues to drink. Just to remind you, she is a binge drinker. This means that she does not drink continuously like most alcoholics but pauses between binges of about a week. The pause until the next binge maybe a month or maybe less. The binge itself may be longer than a week or less. She drinks need vodka normally. Out of the bottle.

She has written a new will quite recently. She has told me that she is preparing for her death. She has not told me how she will end her life. Today I can't reach her. She may be ill or she may be drunk. The third possibility is that she may be dead.

She is suffering from associated illnesses such as nerve damage in her left leg due to an attempted suicide. I won't go into details but that is causing problems and I think you will find on the Internet that sometimes an excess of alcohol in the body can stop the pancreas working (and of course it also causes chronic pancreatitis) which can lead to a temporary state of diabetes. This also may have had an impact upon her health but as mentioned I won't go into details on this.

As usual, alcoholism pretty well almost always kills you one way and another. It causes illnesses, it causes the sufferer to have accidents which can kill him or her. It is associated with depression and low self-esteem. These two psychological influences lead to attempts to end their lives.

In short, it seems to me that most alcoholics have foreshortened lives. And I am, if I'm to be brutally honest, awaiting her death. It is stressful and upsetting. I can't do anything about it but wait and do my best to make her happy. She said that I had succeeded because she had changed your mind about ending her life but in a weak moment, alone, these thoughts may come back. Alcoholics are vulnerable to their own negative thoughts. Low self-esteem does that. They might like to be a victim and in having that desire they create scenarios were they really are the victim.

So this quick post is really saying that I am awaiting the find out whether Jane is in hospital, drunk and asleep, or dead.

I have stopped making these posts but restarted because of these recent developments which are negative and depressing. Alcoholism is inherently negative and depressing. It is nihilistic.

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