The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

by AmericanVirus Slippage is the sort of terminology you use for building works or some sort of project. But in this case I am using it for Jane and her battle against alcoholism. Actually, is she battling? I don't think she is. All I know is she has started to binge again after about 5 months of no binges except for some fairly minor sessions. I don't think an alcoholic can keep the devil boxed up for ever. The genie pops out of the lamp at some time. It is bound to. You know...there is one thing that forces her to stop a binge these days. It is the big stick! And the stick is the loss of her job. She knows that finding work today is hard because of the dire financial state of the country and Europe as a whole, and she likes her job. She is not young. She would struggle to find work. Jane is concerned about finances (everyone is except the rich chief executives and the politicians). It is these things that overcome her desire to lie in bed and remain totally sloshed ...

I'll tell you what is happening this minute - 28th May 2012 at 16:55. Jane is doing the predictable and has just started up again. If Jane goes through a good patch as she has done for about 6 months, the pressure builds up and she just restarts. A true alcoholic cannot keep the addiction out of their life. If you put a lid on it for a while, it will find a way out somewhere. Recently Jane has shown signs of going back to her old ways. I might have explained before; it is impossible to stop an alcoholic drinking other than by hand cuffing her to the bed and taking all the booze in her vicinity away. Unfortunately, that would be a crime. And the alcoholic will let you know that and probably call the police. If you take the booze away she'll just go and buy some more. Of course you can't find the booze anyway unless you tear the place apart because alcoholics are the best at hiding booze. There is no point asking or discussing the matter with an alcoholic because you...

Photo by amalia▲chimera You can't beat alcoholism but you can control it. If you can control it for the rest of your life, you have beaten it. That's the theory. You know when you watch sport on the TV and the commentator says that the person about to take a penalty in a soccer match is the best penalty taker in the business. What happens next? Yep, he misses the penalty. Sods law or the kiss of death by commentary. I won't, therefore, say that Jane is controlling her alcoholism. I won't even say that she is beginning to control her alcoholism. But reading between the lines you might get the message that I am trying to convey. Jane has been good for about 5 months. That does not mean no drink. It does mean control over it. There is still work to do. For example, Jane is always secretive about her drinking. Only she forgets that alcohol affects you and that it is noticeable to someone else. I always know when she has had a drink, even a small amount so to deny ...

Jane is not bad. There is the occasional lapse but these days it is just buying booze on the way home, drinking, getting home, falling asleep after about an hour and not getting up. That is good. Although I miss her when she is asleep. It is hard to do anything together. Every time she is off I make plans. Every time...you guessed it, the plans don't translate to reality. The trouble is, as a victim of an alcoholic, you are just waiting for the next binge - living on the edge. And I am super sensitive to the signs of alcoholism and I am super sensitive - full stop, period. I can't take another binge. It must be a kind of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I sense that Jane has got the message about me. She is nicer to me - great. It's just life. There are millions of similar situations every minute of every day on the planet. They are not always about alcohol but they are always about fear, anxiety and disharmony. I'm pretty chilled out, though, because I am too...

A little snippet of info. Jane has never had a hangover, she says. Is that one reason why she drinks a bottle of vodka a day when she is binging? What I mean is that if you know you are going to suffer an almighty hangover it puts the brakes on the amount you drink. They say that drinking vodka does not give you a hangover. By hangover I mean a headache. There are other symptoms but the headache is the main symptom. Jane does suffer anxiety attacks after a binge and stomach ache. And she also feels very sick. She makes herself sick to stop feeling sick. It provides temporary relief. That is why I make her take valium (diazepam) 2 - 4 pills and molitium an anti-sickness pill (before she is sick for obvious reasons). These do the trick (just) if they are taken at the right time and the binge is not too long. The timing is important. Photo : on Flickr creative commons by Toms Bauģis (modified by me)

Diary - Photo by kevinspencer I think it is worth making two points about binge alcoholism. The newspapers frequently refer to binge drinking in the UK. For the most part these people are not alcoholics. They are just drinking excessively at the weekend. Some may develop into full blown alcoholics. This will happen when they cross the wire . They won't know they have crossed it until one day it dawns on them. Secondly, Jane plans well ahead when she is going to binge. The appropriate days will be holidays. The classic free days for a binge are at Christmas. She almost always had a binge at Christmas. She will make extensive plans to do x, y and z and then go to bed for the entire duration and drink neat vodka out of the bottle. Washout Christmas. True binge drinkers are planners and plotters. They may also trickle drink in between binges. There are no clear boundaries between abstaining from drink and boozing. It merges slightly.

Photo by dpwk Is there such a thing as a normal relationship? Probably not. But there is such a thing as a positive, hopeful relationship. A positive relationship is one that is constructive. It is one where you go forward and improve your lives together. In a relationship with an alcoholic it is not possible to go forward, to build for the future. This destroys hope. Alcoholism prevents a constructive way of life because it constantly erodes relationships, finances, jobs and health. It holds the alcoholic and the relationship back. You tread water. It is nice to be able to look to a better future. It makes life more bearable. All of us need to think that there is something better in the future; that we can make things better if we do x, y and z. That does not apply to the alcoholic environment. An alcoholic's life if about just getting by. Not losing your job, if you have one. Trying to stay healthy. Making exorbitant health insurance payments because you sure as hell ne...