Emptiness born out of continual disappointment - photo by Tch0la =)
Alcoholics disappoint all the time. It happens over and over again. As a victim of an alcoholic you think that you can start living even a little bit normally. Just a little bit of normality is all you ask. It is all you crave. And when you think that you are getting there, bang, she screws up again. Jane hardly ever keeps her word. She will promise and never deliver. These are the ways of alcoholics. Or at least the one I am living with. But I think it is pretty normal across the board.
Alcoholics disappoint in part because they are constantly being driven by the first priority in their life: where and when to get the next drink. This rules their lives. They probably hate it but I reckon most don't even have an opinion on it. Their mind is full of the desire for that first rush after the neat vodka hits the brain. And then they can't resist the urge to repeat it. Jane does this until she falls asleep. Jane promised that we would do bla bla bla on her days off and delivered yada yada yada or nothing.
Living with an alcoholic produces an endless series of disappointing experiences. You go out to a restaurant and she gets drunk and that means you can't ever go out to a restaurant again. You go on holiday and she embarrasses you badly and gets comatose drunk staying in the hotel room for days! No more holidays. Alcoholics disappoint. You go to the theater and she gets badly drunk in the theater causing a massive scene and making life very difficult. No more theater visits. More disappointment. Your world closes in on you getting narrower and narrower. You can't do a thing with an alcoholic because it is too damn dangerous. It doesn't work out. It is not a night out but a nightmare.
In my experience you cannot take the word of an alcoholic and rely on it. They are very unreliable. And reliability is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship. That cornerstone is gone. And lying all the time disappoints badly too. You cannot trust an alcoholic. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. That too is gone. Where you should have some fun doing things together all you have is distrust and loneliness while she sleeps until she wakes up for more.
Alcoholics disappoint.......always...better get used to it.
Please note: I am not criticising although it seems like that! I am reporting what is going on. After all I still live with Jane so have no right to criticise. I can leave after all.
Why do you stay in this relationship?? Isn't your life happiness worth changing for yourself?
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment --- Hi, thanks for the comment. Basically, being totally honest, I have been unable to find anyone else. Despite what looks like criticism (it is more just stating the facts as objectively as possible), I love her and we get on! No one else has got on with me as well, long term, and I cannot live alone. I would rather be dead than live alone for the rest of my life. It is a compromise but I need an outlet for the anguish, this blog.
ReplyDeleteJane has come a long way in the last few months, hasn't she? She has, at least, managed to avoid the hospitals.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you blogging again, Freddie!
Linda in Pennsylvania
Hi Linda, yes Jane is a bit better no doubt but still a long way to go. Nice to hear from you. I am blogging again but fairly low key - just consistent, hopefully.
ReplyDeletei really think that alcoholics do want a normal life. It's just not happenning though. I want one. It's impossible (permanent damage).
ReplyDeleteHere's a good one on recovery (although it sounds like a nightmare she's living to me, i'd prefer 0 friends if that's the kind of shit i'd have to deal with): http://wilhelmson.wordpress.com/2009/07/ --- fascinating the day to day struggle. It must just be damaged circuitry that we end up this way. It must be the ultimate strength of will to actually really change this path. As a newly crossing over the wire person myself, it's scary as hell. I hope Zen helps me. Christianity sucks (sorry, but it's so illogical)
Good luck Nora. Really the best of luck. It is a kind of faulty wiring, I agree and very hard to manage. I think it can be done over time and with persistence.
ReplyDeleteI am in love with a binge alcoholic. He will do fine when we are together all the time. No drinking at all. This can go on for a month or two and then he goes to a friends and they offer a drink and then next thing I know he is broke buying bottle after bottle of vodka. He just started a binge Christmas Day. He does not come around me or call me. He hides in his house in the dark drinking and sleeping. He doesn't eat or do anything. He has been in the hospital for atrophy for a week already and then once went to a motel and drank and took alot of pills in hopes to die. He then ended up again in the hospital where he drank charcoal. We have been together for 9 months now. I have tried to end it 3 times. This is where it begins to be my problem/issue. I try not to think of him, miss him, or worry about him, but I fail horribly. The thing is I know he loves me he just loves the vodka more. When we are together we have a wonderful time. He never drinks in front of me, but the disappearances are very painful. He just isolates himself and won't answer the phone. I am sitting here reading your diary for the first time in tears. The thing is before I became disabled, I was a drug/alcohol counselor for teen males. It's almost like I am fulfilling the void of a lost career or I am just as self destructive as him. Thank you for your blog!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat does it matter if you cannot find anyone else? Plus, that is your limiting thinking. There are tons of fish in the sea - lots of HEALTHY women out there. You should not be with anyone for a while anyway. YOU yourself need treatment my friend, for extreme codependency. :( I know because I was with an alcoholic (binge drinker too) for 3 yrs. I need to be alone and in therapy for a long time. I was as sick as he is.
ReplyDeleteHi reading your blog for the first time, and was blown away with the similarities in my own life. I am in love with a binge alcoholic. we have 2 children together. When he is sober he is all i could ever ask for. When he goes on a binge he can disappear for days at a time, but he always manages to find his way back home. I hate the lies, the uncertainty and dissapointment. As it stands i have been on my own for 4 years now..i feel so much better and so do my children. Wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the last comment. I am still hopeful that Jane can turn it around and that we can live more normally. Things are better at the moment and I am cautiously hopeful. Good luck to you and your children.
ReplyDeleteもう年末でお酒の席も増えてると思いますが、こんな時こそ自分のモテ度をさり気無くチェック出来るのが、モテる度チェッカーです。診断結果にはモテる為のアドバイス付き！！これで君もヤリチンの仲間入り
ReplyDeleteI am leaving soon. The relationship has been destroyed by booze.
ReplyDeleteI never escaped.....
ReplyDelete