The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

photo copyright crowolf published under a creative commons license kindly granted. These 2 ignominiously go together - Alcoholism and Death . Just after Jane's mini-binge (believe me it was a very minor binge by her standards) of about 20 hours she felt, as usual, suicidal. Jane always feels huge remorse and regret after a binge. She feels bad about letting herself down and bad about messing me around (although it wasn't that bad to be honest - it did though mess up what could have been some time together, which we are lacking at the moment due to work). Jane really does genuinely feel suicidal after a binge. But I must say I don't think she'll ever do it. She hasn't got the courage - I know that sounds horrendously cruel etc etc but this blog is about the plain truth unvarnished. It takes courage to kill yourself and a lots of despair. Jane has the one but not the other. Anyway to get more positive. We had a little talk and I in my usual style, mentioned...

Diary of a Victim of Alcoholism - Don't drink and drive - Jane didn't good on her. She made the decision while drunk this morning when about to go to work. Photograph copyright beara255 published under a creative commons license. This is a continuation of the previous post; yesterday, when I came back from work she was zonked............. She had three half bottles of Vodka on the floor beside the bed, one empty bottle of wine on the floor, one empty bottle of wine on the bed and one smashed bottle of mulled wine (from Christmas) on the kitchen floor. And when I'd said to her that she was drinking, the day before, (just before she went to bed) she said PROVE IT!..........We just proved it I reckon. She got out of bed in the early evening when the booze had worn off a bit looking for more in the kitchen. I was watching TV. I said I thought she'd better stop if she wanted to go to work today. She actually listened to me! And stopped. She had worked hard to get the job...

Weird thing - weird signs - at night - is this as detour - photo slabbers Here's another rather clean cut sign of alcoholism (or two or three). You come home from work at about 3 pm (you have done an early shift). You get in your home. Your partner is at home. There is silence - the first sign of alcoholism. You go into the bedroom as Jane is in bed. The next sign. The sun is blazing outside and the bedroom curtains are drawn. Another sign. You smell a faint smell of marzipan, the smell of metabolized alcohol on the breath - another sign. You say hi!..............nothing. She is in bed. You go into the kitchen and there is broken glass on the floor. There is a towel on the floor. It is wet and stained red. The glass is green. More signs of alcoholism. She has been drinking since I left for work and she broke a bottle a wine, probably her second because she must have been drunk when she got hold of it. She'll struggle to be ready for work tomorrow. I'll have to help get ...

Day for Night, night for day, who knows - the unreal world of an alcoholic - photo copyright *CA* published under creative commons license - thanks. One Sign of Alcoholism is telling your partner, immediately after breakfast, at about 10 am, and after an excellent nights sleep, that you are tired and sleepy and then insisting that you go to bed, with the curtains drawn. That is what Jane has just done to me right now . This is the morning of the first of her two days off and immediately she hits the old bottle. In fact she was on it yesterday afternoon as she was slurring her words and went to bed very early (about 7 pm) saying she was exhausted. Yep, she is genuinely tired from work but she is also drinking and as usual "brick-wall" denying it at every occasion. She said she would take me to my job today but this looks a little unlikely. My work starts at 3 pm and I expect her to be in bed and drunk when I come back at about 10:30 pm. Worse, I don't think she will g...

Alcoholism Chat - a quick update. I am currently working for a few weeks which takes my time. Jane is feeling the pressure of work and says she feels exhausted. One of her work colleagues who is new to the job (like Jane) also said she was tired. This is the breeding ground for an alcoholic binge. When I came back from work at about 3 pm she was back home from her early shift and had obviously had a drink as she was slurring her words while watching the Nadal/Novak Djokovic Stella Artois final. She went to bed very early indeed, tired from the job and made tired by the booze. Because I am away from home more at the moment working I am worried she will feel free to bring back booze and drink it thus drifting back into her bad habits when she used to have a 4-10 day binge every 3 or 4 weeks. A binge means drinking one bottle of Vodka per day every day and going to hospital for several days at the end of it. Wait and see. I do my best to encourage her to stop. Jane agrees she is slippi...

Just a quick update of alcoholism chat. Jane did well today. She stayed off the dreaded booze. She even went for a run after coming back from work and she started work at 5:30 this morning so well done to her. She did some housework after the run and then had something to eat but failed to find the energy to go to AA. I don't blame her, it would have been too much. She starts work tomorrow at 7:30 and I am starting a three week stint of work tomorrow so I will not be around when she comes back from her work. This may be a problem as it will take the pressure of her to not drink on the way home as she will know I won't be here to spot it. There it is - wait and see. What will be will be. I am pessimistic about her chances of staying off the booze while she is working as it makes her tired and stresses her. This destabilizes her slightly and just enough to tip her towards drink over time. She really struggles with coping generally when she works.

Gods earth - nature is beautiful and healing. Let's heal ourselves through touching nature not by a faith in a God. Photo copyright Sergio_One I don't understand it. The Al anon 12 steps seem to be the same as the AA 12 steps. In other words both the alcoholic and the victims alcoholism are meant to believe in the same creed . How can that be? Have I got this wrong? In my language (as I can't copy them due to copyright laws but there is a link below to a site where you can see them) - the Al anon 12 steps are: 1. We are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable . I don't get this as it is the alcoholics life that is unmanageable and the partner who is trying to make it manageable for the alcoholic partner. Sure life is not great for those very close to an alcoholic but I am not sure it is unmanageable. Perhaps it has become that way for some and is the reason why they have gone to Al anon. 2. We need to believe that a greater power than ourselves can help...