The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Yep, feeble I might be but I have failed to buy a new property to live in to escape living with Jane. I had all the good intentions and got to the point where I was to contract to buy an apartment but the landlord would not agree certain terms relating to keeping a domestic cat so the transaction feel thorough. I then tried buying a house. And in London houses start at about half a million pounds. That also fell through because.....I just can't see myself living alone. I have tried it and it gradually kills me. My motivation to move has waned and has been lost. I more or less decided - it was forced on me in the heat of decision making while preparing to move - that I cannot live alone and be content. I would rather live with a binge alcoholic hard though that can be at times, than live alone in a nice house. And I do love her. It is hard for me accept that part of me too. But there is something inside Jane that makes me love her. Perhaps it is a reflection of my weaknesse...

Look, I know that it is a bit extreme to call myself a "victim" as I put myself here. But it is not all about free choice. The emotional ties are strong. You are in a very difficult place when you get stuck with an alcoholic. You know you have to leave but you find it very difficult. However, as I said, I am leaving because it is the right thing to do - hard though it is. I am buying my own home. I am struggling with this because it is sh*t buying a place in London, England. It is competitive and very expensive and....I could go on. I expect to be out of here in about a month or two. Then this diary will become something different. I intend to still see Jane but not as an alcoholic lying in her filth. I want to see only the good bits of her and only have the nice experiences. I feel depressed about it and worried about it all. I must go on. It is the only way forward.

Jane made herself sick for a straight ten hours every five minutes after stopping her latest binge at about midnight. True. It started at about midnight last night and continued until ten this morning after she called a doctor to stop her. The only way to stop her at that stage is to give her an injection of a drug that chills her out and breaks the cycle. The drug is aloso an anti-sickness drug. Where Jane binged and made herself sick- image deliberately modified using "ink outlines" The point is this. She makes herself sick by stuffing her right hand down her throat. As her stomach is empty she drinks milk or flavoured water so that she can at least sick something up. Even with the flavoured water not much comes up. There is a massive amount of painful retching with nothing coming up. She cries out. She is in pain. She wants to be in pain. She wants to hurt herself. It is a form of self harm. Self harm born out of a disgust of herself. It is beyond low self esteem. It...

I thought I would share this little snippet of information with you. Alcoholics fall over a lot. If you live in a home with hard floors this can kill you especially as the alcohol in booze is a diuretic. You have to go to the bathroom, the room of shiny tiles and hard basins. Over the years and with constant pestering by me, Jane has learned to crawl around the home when drunk. She has had some bad falls in the past - nasty breaks. Crawling looks and is undignified but an alcoholic will never break anything when crawling. Safety always comes first. I found it unnerving when Jane walked (staggered) to the bathroom. I would wait for the dull thud as she hit the floor. She would lie there stunned or knocked out. Eventually she would wake up and calmly carry on! I shan't tell you the list of injuries she has incurred while walking and falling. She is a expert crawler now...

Escape from this life - photo by Jhon Ceceña Alcoholism is essentially a habit. It is a very strong habit because it is the operation of a chemical (ethanol alcohol) on the brain. It is extremely direct. It is a habit nonetheless. This is a controversial point. Alcoholism is described as a disease. I don't believe this. This is a politically correct term to help alcoholics. People who drink, say everyday, without being alcoholic (and I mean this objectively) are able to recognize the stage at which they are during drinking. They understand and keep in mind the downside, the headache and dehydration etc. In other words the brain although enjoying the moment is aware of the situation. The alcoholic will ignore the downside. They take every drink of vodka (usually) as if it is the first. The first drink that gives them that rush of pleasure. They seek that. They want to recreate that. The pleasure is "getting out" for a while. They seek that rush. That opt-out from...

Yes, it is true. I am leaving Jane at last. I am moving out. I am in the process of buying a new home. It is not that far away, which I guess carries some dangers but I will be alone in my place, a place that Jane can't mess up. And she will no longer be able to mess me up too. Of course she is upset, big time upset. But she even says that she understands why so that is some recognition by her of what she has done and is like. She has had two huge month-long binges recently that have finished me off. I just can't take anymore. My brain has told me to go, get out. It is a pure survival thing. I almost have no choice anymore. It is go or something bad will happen. There have been times when I have genuinely wanted to kill her - strangle her to death with a smile on my face. She has pushed me 90% of the way to that feeling and that is scary, believe me as I am not some sort of alpha male violent person. In the last binge she pissed, defecated and vomited into her own bed a...

This will be short. About 2 months ago Jane had a month long binge with two hospital visits in the middle. She fell over five times in one day onto a hard floor. She broke her wrist and is off work for about three months in total. This is causing huge financial problems for her and it has pretty much broken our relationship, what was left of it. I can't get it back. I lose my cool all the time and I am thoroughly pissed off with her. I really have to leave but I don't want to. I am torn. I will go eventually. There is no other choice. This is sad. Jane's "illness" has finally broken the relationship. It was always destined to be this way. It has been a roller coaster. The last binge was the longest she has ever had and it was after one of the best spells off drink. So you see, the problem (that causes the alcoholism) has to come out. You bottle it up and it comes out more strongly. I am damaged by all this a bit. Al anon doesn't work. It is too chatty an...