The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Diary - Photo by kevinspencer I think it is worth making two points about binge alcoholism. The newspapers frequently refer to binge drinking in the UK. For the most part these people are not alcoholics. They are just drinking excessively at the weekend. Some may develop into full blown alcoholics. This will happen when they cross the wire . They won't know they have crossed it until one day it dawns on them. Secondly, Jane plans well ahead when she is going to binge. The appropriate days will be holidays. The classic free days for a binge are at Christmas. She almost always had a binge at Christmas. She will make extensive plans to do x, y and z and then go to bed for the entire duration and drink neat vodka out of the bottle. Washout Christmas. True binge drinkers are planners and plotters. They may also trickle drink in between binges. There are no clear boundaries between abstaining from drink and boozing. It merges slightly.

Photo by dpwk Is there such a thing as a normal relationship? Probably not. But there is such a thing as a positive, hopeful relationship. A positive relationship is one that is constructive. It is one where you go forward and improve your lives together. In a relationship with an alcoholic it is not possible to go forward, to build for the future. This destroys hope. Alcoholism prevents a constructive way of life because it constantly erodes relationships, finances, jobs and health. It holds the alcoholic and the relationship back. You tread water. It is nice to be able to look to a better future. It makes life more bearable. All of us need to think that there is something better in the future; that we can make things better if we do x, y and z. That does not apply to the alcoholic environment. An alcoholic's life if about just getting by. Not losing your job, if you have one. Trying to stay healthy. Making exorbitant health insurance payments because you sure as hell ne...

Photo: by ex_magician I'll tell you how alcohol affects the pancreas for Jane. Rarely for Jane her alcoholic binging causes pancreatitis. The rarity level is perhaps, at a guesstimate, about one time in 25 binges. However it is a very serious, life threatening condition. This is not chronic pancreatitis. For Jane it is acute pancreatitis brought on by a particular binge lasting about 7 days. She will have have pain in her stomach area, which is a sign of pancreatitis. Of course this may be muddied up by pain in her stomach due to inflammation of the stomach by the neat Vodka. She will have to go to hospital after some long binges. An ambulance is called and she is wheeled out of the home (literally). The hospital visit will last about a week and recovery at home afterward will be about 10 days. The way the doctors cure acute pancreatitis is to have her stop eating and drinking as I recall. It would seem to be nil by mouth for a few days. The pancreas heals itself. I am ...

It will never be right. I guess that is obvious. It is obvious to me but I have learnt to put up with it - until I just can't take anymore. Jane is at the end of the line at work with her absenteeism and with me. If she binges again it could push both me and her employers over the edge. She probably wouldn't get another job. One of the many problems is that Jane binges when she is off work. So from my perspective she is either at work when I can't do things with her or drunk in bed when I can't do things with her. In practice I am almost living alone already. The number of great days she has missed is enormous. Sunny, beautiful days when we could have gone out and done something really nice. Instead she has wallowed in her own urine and feces in her moldy bed with empty bottles scattered all around. The whole room pongs to high heaven after she has been binging for five days. And that is another point. The whole home starts to smell because the horrible smell that...

The roller coaster continues. I am jerked hither and thither not knowing what the hell to do. She has just had another binge. Her bedroom still stinks. But she says she may be the world's untidiest person (she definitely is) but she is clean (she definitely is not). You cannot be clean if the floor is covered in everything, literally everything is on the bloody floor. She hoards manically. She does this because she is scared of everything. She panics at the drop of a hat, at anything. She defends the indefensible and argues at anything. She provokes arguments. She is only happy when she is sad. Madness. An upside down word. She is losing her job. At last! Her employer has been jerked along by her lies about absenteeism - always an illness but of course never alcoholism. She must be the most ill person at her place of work. No one has had as many illnesses as her! And they take a month to get over. Errr..no her binges take a month to get over. My mind wanders to a calm place whe...

As all the commentators to this site have said, things don't change for the true alcoholic. Maybe they do for some but it is rare and Jane is not one of those who will ever change. She had another binge recently. The whole episode lasted three weeks, from a week's binge, a week's recovery at hospital and home and a further weeks recovery and sorting out getting back to work. She is still off work and going back Monday. She has been lazy. A lazy mind leads to alcoholism. Did I say work!? Not much chance of that for the future. Her employer is very tolerant but she is heading for the sack. It is a question of time not if. And it is a decent job for her. Of course I am used to her alcoholic binges but they are hard to deal with. This time she missed three important events one of which concerned me (and very important to me) and I said I will never forgive her for it. I won't. She does feel very bad about it and says sorry but saying sorry is pointless.

A nice person asked me to write more on this blogger site, so this is for you. I live day by day and ask few questions. It is best that way. The fact that I stayed has motivated Jane to stay sober but that does not mean she is always sober. She has had one 5 day binge since I discontinued searching for a new home. Not bad really. We came to an agreement. I would stop putting her down and she would stop drinking. It helps. Not that I was actually putting her down - perhaps occasionally but that was due to her behavior. Anyway, there is no point in finding fault; just got to look forward and stay optimistic. I have decided that living with Jane is better than living alone. If she can improve a bit it will help stabilise the relationship. She wants me to stay although she says horrible things when drunk - don't we all though? Days off are a trigger for her to drink. She plans ahead. Jane has found one (of many) technique to stay off the bottle when she has some days off (she...