Sunday, 30 November 2008

My Alcoholic Partner

Well, in the last post I ask whether Jane, my alcoholic partner, would stay sober while I was away in America and whether she would be able to look after my cat, plus feed the stray cat and finally keep the place looking half decent.

The answer is a resounding, No. The emails dried up after about day 3 and I was away for 10 days, so I returned to pure mayhem. The flat looked uninhabitable. Wall to wall mess. Pure chaos. It looked like the place has been ransacked in a particularly nasty way. The floor was littered. It had the appearance of a tramp's den of 30 years.

She has been drinking heavily and continues to drink as I write this. I was anxious since the emails stopped and I had tried to phone without success. I was particularly anxious about my cat. I had real fears of getting home and finding my cat seriously ill or worse. As it happens she was OK but nervous and hungry. Her water bowl was almost dry and her litter tray a complete mess and unusable.

So there it is, the same old stuff. This means that I cannot go abroad at all unless I employ a professional cat sitter because my cat is too old and gets stressed in catteries. I will employ a professional cat sitter even though Jane is in the flat as the alcoholism makes her totally unreliable.

She got up and fell over in the bathroom while I was clearing up (I'll be clearing up for a good day). She knocked herself out again. I'm in a parallel universe living with my alcoholic partner.

My Alcoholic Partner to Alcoholism and Death


  1. hello from texas! i am the alcoholic (albeit in recovery). i am also the "victim" of alcoholism through genetics. both my father and a sibling died from the disease but prior to their deaths i was (along with other family members) affected by the behaviors inherent in alcoholism. i wish as a young woman i had decided to take a proactive approach to the anguish of living with them by attending al-anon. i did not and the resentments certainly played a part in my own disease. i read your entry about al-anon but i have to tell you that going to al-anon will free you from the hostage situation you speak of. anyone living around the alcoholic will get "sick". al-anon is nothing more than a support group that allows folks like yourself the tools in which to forge a new life for yourselves free from enabling. free from fear. free from the isolation you so aptly describe. you don't have to live the way you've been living. there is hope. you have a right to be happy, joyous, and free just like the alcoholic in recovery.

    i came very close to death many, many times through the years. i am a less than proud graduate of many hospitalizations (alcohol poisonings, suicide attempts, breakdowns, anorexia etc). i haven't a clue as to how many but i can tell you i have 17 medical reports calling my prognosis "extremely poor" or "guarded". it was only until my family left me homeless, helpless, hopeless that i began my journey towards recovery. it was painful, it was difficult, it was the only way to knit myself a kind of life.

    i will celebrate 1 year in january. i say: save your own life and maybe, just maybe, jane will want to save hers. God bless.

  2. Hi, Thanks for the comment. Yours is the best comment on the website, if I may say so. You may be a recovering alcoholic but you are, by the sound of it, a fine person.

    Lets keep going, keep trying to make it better. It is the only way.

  3. Hi, Fred,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your return. I travelled to family for Thanksgiving and left my alcoholic behind. I decided to take one of my cats on the trip - the one that would more likely be neglected since she is less aggressive about getting her needs met. It's a good thing I did, he ended up in the hospital while I was away. The other cat, well, she's here and well, but there was a note in the mailbox - call xxnumber to claim cat with white feet. So something must have happened.
    Oh, I must strongly agree with the previous comments. I started attended alanon last month. While I don't agree with everything people say, I find it very helpful, and I'm finding myself already handling things a little differently, perhaps with more composure(?). You need to focus on yourself.

  4. Hi co-sufferer

    Thanks for your comment. You guys are nice. You've convinced me to try Al-anon. I need something. It get angry and frustrated. Maybe it'll calm me down.

  5. hello from texas again! i wanted to add a few more suggestions. i continue to give away what has been given to me so freely by chairing meetings, working with newcomers, telling my story. the best person to help an alcoholic is another alcoholic who has found a way out. when i am unable to get to a meeting or if i have a little time on my hands i go to a website called i am in the alcoholism room but dailystrength has rooms for any life altering situation. they have an al-anon room as well. you may wish to start there to acquaint yourself with other people (from all over the world) who share your dilemma. i cannot say enough good things about this particular site which is free of charge.

    this documentary which was filmed in your country is also an eye opener. - 72k -

    by the way, i am professionally employed (at one time i was not employable and took a leave of absence from my airline career for FIVE years). recovery is possible. hope exists. my little 75 year old british mum never thought she'd see the day when her daughter (named after her birthplace in england) would get sober. it happened and on my 1 year sobriety birthday my mother will be the one to give me my chip.

    while there is life there is always hope. please know this....

  6. i'm sorry. i don't believe that you can pull up that link but go to youtube and the documentary is called "rain in my heart." it is a documentary about 5 individual people with end stage alcoholism.

  7. Hi d

    Many thanks for your time and advice. It is welcome and makes me feel better.

  8. My dear Freddie Fox, I have been folllowing your blog since last Christmas and I remember asking you "why do you stay?" Your response was that you were comfortable where you were and, as silly as it sounds, your cat was comfortable. I understand. You also stated that between binges, things were good with Jane. I also understand that. But now, you simply requested that the apartment be kept neat and your beloved cat be taken care of. Jane has hurt you again. She did not respect you enough to at least fulfill those requests. I am only concerned with your life at this point. You say you are out of th e norm with society. Do you actually believe you are meant to be disrepected in that way? That being with someone who can't even care for your cat is deserved? Please reconsider. Get help for yourself. Stop hurting. I agree with Anonymous from need Al-anon or anyone who can help you. Jane will continue to be who Jane is. You are a beautiful person who loves animals and you deserve to be loved for who you are.

  9. Hi Anonymous,

    Thanks for the comment. It was very sweet and tender of you. It felt sweet. It felt warm. I have lost the feeling of warmth.

    I would like to meet a good woman who accepts me and who wants to share and contribute equally. I have given up in that quest.

    Living with Jane is a poor compromise, the best I can achieve, it really is. This blog just creates some good (for me) from it. It helps me create some good from so much bad.

  10. Hi Freddy Fox,

    It’s nice to see you posting again – I read your blog nearly every day, and look forward to reading your journal. Although I try to remain silent on most of your entries, this one I feel a need to comment.

    I am very sorry for your situation with Jane. It takes either tremendous love, patience, or both to deal with her disease. I was hoping to open up your blog and learn that Jane kept the house tidy for your return, and that you came back to a (fairly) sober person. I really hope that one day Jane will recover from her disease.

    I went through small, short binges for about 5 years. I finally learned how to get it under control, although I still struggle with it today. I never went though any sort of childhood trama/abuse, never delt with low self esteem, etc. I often drank due to work, but even after I found a better job, I still continued to drink. It started in college and has followed me like a dog throughout my professional career. I finally came to the realization that I simply liked the ‘high’…so much that I needed alcohol every day to get back that happiness. Similar to cigarettes, no matter how much you try, it’s so hard to not have that quick ‘fix.’

    My partner stayed with me at the left deep emotional scars that he brings up even today. I was such a selfish fool and ruined so many good times due to my drinking. Similar to your Christmas, NYE was always a dibocle. I always lost control. I wish I could take it all back. It RUINED our relationship AND his self esteem. IMO, you do need to see some counseling. It will help you cope mentally and perhaps give you some clarity on your home life. That’s one of the steps that I regret not doing with my partner, because those demons still chase us even today.

    Also – thank you to the person who brought up the documentary. Very moving, it scared the living crap out of me.

  11. Hi Guys

    Thanks for your beautifully kind words. They make me tearful. Thanks Pebbs for your fine comment. So nicely worded, Pebbs. You're classy.

    I have resolved to go to Al-anon. I am angry, upset and it brings me down. But I am a "stayer". I'll survive as long as I want to.

  12. to p.

    you are so very welcome. we can do together what we cannot do alone.


I'd like to hear the experiences of both alcoholics and the victims of alcoholics, please.