The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Internet users ask, "why are alcoholics skinny?". I don't believe all alcoholics are skinny but a lot of dyed in the wool alcoholics are probably malnourished resulting in being skinny. 35 year old alcoholic who drank to excess for a long time and who is dying They are malnourished because they don't care about their health or appearance. They may have low self-esteem (many alcoholics do). This results in the person hating themselves which leads to a desire to self-punishment which in turn leads to neglect including failing to eat properly. The neglect can also lead to health problems which can cause a person to be skinny. Alcoholics can be drunk for long periods when they neglect themselves including failing to eat properly. Alcoholics may be broke which makes buying food a non-priority. Alcoholics may have a personality disorder such as bulimia or anorexia. Both lead to being underweight. Jane used to underweight due to borderline anore...

Alcoholism is a habit not a disease. Obviously it is a very deep-seated habit. It is probably a habit which developed over a long period of time. As a consequence it will take a long period of time to unlearn the habit. What would be a crystallising moment which helps to break the habit is the knowledge that one is going to die through alcoholism provided the alcoholic does not wish to die. That's the key. It is down to the mentality of the alcoholic. If the alcoholic is using alcoholism as a way to kill themselves then the fear of dying through alcoholism will not break the habit. It is possible to chip away at a habit, to break it down. If an alcoholic drinks less and less gradually over a period of many months then there will come a time when he/she will find alcohol objectionable. A lot of what we do are habits. If we have sugar in our tea that becomes a habit. If we then stop having sugar in our tea it tastes unpleasant for a while until it tastes fine at which point putting...

Today was sunny. We had a nice day today. Jane came over and we went for a walk down by the river. Then we had a coffee and a cup of tea at a café. Then she went back to her flat and I went to my flat. That was pleasant. We are seeing each other regularly. We are enjoying each other's company.  Don't be fooled by this. It isn't this good ;) We just live day to day. Jane is still, if one is brutally honest, a practising binge alcoholic but the time between binges has dramatically extended over the 20 years that I've known her. I don't wish to be boastful but she has dramatically improved over the time that I have known her. She still denies that she is an alcoholic. She still denies that she has been drinking when I know she has been drinking and therefore she cannot really say that she is a recovering alcoholic. All recovering alcoholics have admitted that they are alcoholics which is the first stage in a true recovery. However, putting that behind me for ...

I don't think a binge alcoholic and perhaps even a binge alcoholic who is just starting on the road to recovery, should take on new responsibilities because they are quite likely to fail and upset people. They are more likely to hurt more people. Binge alcoholics are unsuited to taking on responsibilities. They are too unreliable. That is my experience in any case. Some constant alcoholics can manage and live relatively normal lives but they are very different to binge alcoholics. Jane is a binge alcoholic and she has informally adopted a cat. The cat is a stray cat who has made her home with Jane. This is partly because Jane has been unemployed for a while and therefore is at home a lot of the time and the cat probably comes from a home where she is not particularly wanted or looked after properly. But, when Jane wants to have a drink, everything flies out of the window. Nothing is in her brain except the desire to have a drink. Not even the health consequences of that drink wi...

Things have been good for a while now. We live apart but we see each other quite a lot. In fact, we go out a lot together and enjoy each other's company tremendously. We love each other. There is no question about that. We will always be drawn to each other and it has nothing to do with alcoholism or alcohol. It is just that at our core we are very similar and we love that part of each other. Rather strangely, I treat her like a daughter; a daughter that I never had. This is because she behaves like a girl rather than a woman. She knows that. I have told her. She does not mind. But it is that childlike quality which is so charming. There is an innocence there - innocence is always charming and attractive. She has a pureness of mind which has been damaged by life's experiences. I feel like a nurse and probably am sometimes. I help a lot, I feel. She does not know how much she hurts me when she drinks. She has not drunk for quite a while or if she has drunk they have been ver...

Just a quick note to say Jane has been found. It was a false alarm. She had binged. Some misinformation was provided by a hospital, which caused a lot of distress and wasted time. I won't go into detail but it was a bad 4 days.

Jane has been missing for about a week. I have reported her missing to the police. I've checked hospitals and her flat et cetera without success. This is simply a record of this moment as much for my benefit as anyone else's. The way I feel at the moment, I am almost sure that she has ended her life but of course I can't be sure but that is the way it feels. Jane has been particularly down recently having lost her job and has been through three binges. This is out of the ordinary, what is happening at the moment. It is very difficult for me to do anything else at the moment other than try to find her. But where do you start? I have to use my knowledge of her and the way she thinks to figure out where she is right now.