Leaving......by majorbrighton
It is really time to leave, for good. Jane came back from work just a little drunk yesterday. She stops on the way back to buy and consume some Mr. V. She covers the delay by buying some provisions.
Later, I overheard her speaking to my mother about me in a derogatory manner, a misleading and false manner for a considerable time. Jane was a little drunk at the time, not much, but enough to loosen the tongue.
Anyway, it has completely p*ss*d me off. And I am p*ss*d off with my mother who shouldn't be gossiping about me behind my back. My mother is very dangerous. She'll spread whatever is said far and wide. I'm no saint but I have done lots for Jane. In any case no one should do that, ever. It is plain bad in my book.
There you go. I am steeling myself to leave. Not sure where or how. Just know I gotta do it. Bringing me down. Gotta try and live again. Live normally again.
P.S. To anyone who says that this Blog is doing the same thing as Jane did mentioned above I have this to say:
I disagree for the following reasons:
- This blog is about me and Jane
- It is totally honest
- It is anonymous
- It is directed at the world both as therapy for me and hopefully to let some people learn a bit more about alcoholism
Freddy, I hope this is true. I'm been watching you suffer too much and just taking it. First, though, is there any way you can convince her to get to rehab? Is this an option? If not, just leave, and remember you are not to blame for any of her actions now and once you go. I've been waking up pissed off every morning. Spent Christmas without him (by his own orchestration) and decided it's time too. The anger is helping - it helped me discover something that really seals the deal for me - my trust has been violated in yet another way.
ReplyDeleteYou're a darling cosuffer. In true alcoholic style she jerks me around. Provokes and antagonizes. It's what alcoholics do.
ReplyDeleteI am looking for a way out. On a practical level it is difficult. Mentally I am kinda free. Al-anon has helped to quell the anger. Alcoholics destroy trust. Too much lying and deceit and games and two-faced behavior.
Thanks a lot for the comment. Good luck to you.
Hi Again Freddy,
ReplyDeleteI just want to comment on the last part of your entry. It bothers me that people would give you the run-around for keeping this blog. Honestly, by reading your blog, I can see how bad alcohol destroys lives...hope...health. It gives me a reason NOT to drink in excess. It gives me a reason WHY I need to keep it under control. I don't want to become a Jane. I am not near Jane's age. I try to imagine Jane as a long-term version of me if I let myself go, loose control. I can see how you suffer with her, it makes me think twice. She has a deeper rabbit hole that I, and I do not want to dig anymore than I have already have. Don't want to cross that line. It's a very easy thing to do and then you are trapped.
I hope to those that are against your blog, they can see this point. It's the only way some of us learn.
Thanks Pebbs
ReplyDeleteYes, once you cross the line your life is more or less over. For myself (and I must think of myself and stop being a full-time carer), I had a nice session at Al-anon and came away a little more hopeful.
Jane is currently on a major binge. It is sad and very bad. She calls out once or twice a day for food and Mr Vodka and only moves from bed to got to the toilet and that is fraught with drama.
I find your blog quite helpful. I have a girlfriend who is a serious alcoholic too. She often combines trips to minimize the appearance that she is a hopeless drunk. Alcohol is #1 in her life and regardless of how many times we talk about it. She has no intention of stopping and she does not feel even a little bad about it. She is a shameless drunk and if it came right on down to getting rid of me or the booze. She would get rid of me and keep the booze. At this point I am ready to leave. I have reservations but like you I am tired of not living life. This is just a holding pattern. I am so disgusted with her that I don't even want to go out in public with her anymore. You are not alone and I totally understand how tough it is to care about someone who is hopelessly consumed by their addiction to alcohol.
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ReplyDeleteHi, I am still living with her! However, things have changed a bit. I am in a room where I can live my life alone more comfortably when and if she binges. Jane has also made some progress after some seriously committed words from me. In other words I meant that I was going to leave and she realized that. Anyway she is binging less and things are manageable. On a practical level too it is hard for me to leave and that is often the reason why people stay - the reality behind the high toned moral stuff.
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