The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Jane is huddled in bed with Mr Vodka, her long time companion and best friend and amongst her mess. She's binging again. Falling over when she goes to the bathroom again. Cracking her head on the hard floor again. A mess again. Getting thinner and thinner. Wasting away again. Blah blah blah. She said she wouldn't drink over Christmas. Are we still in Christmas? Yes, she started a day after Boxing Day so she is drinking over Christmas. Well of course she is. She never does what she promises when in comes to good ole Mr. Vodka her best mate.

Leaving......by majorbrighton It is really time to leave, for good. Jane came back from work just a little drunk yesterday. She stops on the way back to buy and consume some Mr. V. She covers the delay by buying some provisions. Later, I overheard her speaking to my mother about me in a derogatory manner, a misleading and false manner for a considerable time. Jane was a little drunk at the time, not much, but enough to loosen the tongue. Anyway, it has completely p*ss*d me off. And I am p*ss*d off with my mother who shouldn't be gossiping about me behind my back. My mother is very dangerous. She'll spread whatever is said far and wide. I'm no saint but I have done lots for Jane. In any case no one should do that, ever. It is plain bad in my book. There you go. I am steeling myself to leave. Not sure where or how. Just know I gotta do it. Bringing me down. Gotta try and live again. Live normally again. P.S. To anyone who says that this Blog is doing the same thing as Jane d...

Jane drank a glass of wine with me in a normal way today for the first time.........photo by lanier67 Alcoholism behavior is unpredictable and that proved the case this Christmas. Linda asked how Christmas 2008 went. Well, I am pleased to say it went well. Yep, it actually is still going well and it is hard to believe. She promised me that she wouldn't drink and she hasn't as far as I can see. Well that is not quite true in fact. As I was drinking some wine, she actually asked me if I could pour her some wine too. That I think is a first. As I said she always drinks alone and secretly. I have never seen her drink. I have said to her before a number of times, if she could drink more normally, I might be able to exercise some control over it or Jane might be able to exercise more control. It would be normalising drinking, making less of a guilt ridden dark secret of drinking and joining the rest of the world. This I had hoped would help to curb the horrendous binges. And for the...

Yep, more alcoholic chat and its all calm Chez Moi at the moment. Jane has promised to be sober this Christmas. How many times have I heard that jewel of dishonesty? That jewel of propoganda to make me believe that we are actually going to have a real Christmas. She says we can do things together. Together? When did we last do things together at Chistmas? She does do things together at Christmas but it's not with me; it's with her best mate, her closest friend who comes in a nice clear glass bottle, Mr. Vodka. Mr. Vodka is so friendly. He always provides pleasure at the beginning, then he turns nasty but Jane doesn't mind that. As long as she gets that special Mr Vodka rush at the beginning any price that she pays later is value for money. She'll happily sleep with Mr Vodka for a full week or more. She keeps the bottle close under the duvet. No one can get near it. Jane asked me to get the Christmas tree from the garage. I said I would but didn't. I forgot but I don...

Hope - photo by RebelBlueAngel At a recent meeting I said that alcoholism destroys hope . It is the very antithesis of hope. Alcoholism is nihilistic. The alcoholic is gradually destroying her/himself. Alcoholism breaks down the body, it damages objects around the person (by the person falling over or dropping things etc.) and it damages people involved with the alcoholic. It also tends to erode even destroy hope in the people involved with the alcoholic. These are partners, friends or relations. But I wasn't quite right. The loss of hope happened tens of years ago in the alcoholic. It happened perhaps as a child, when the alcoholic-to-be was damaged or the genetic seeds were beginning to grow. It was then that hope in that person was lost. Although the alcoholic-to-be didn't know it. Being alcoholic is a manifestation, in part, of the alcoholics loss of hope many years earlier. The alcoholic then spreads that loss of hope to those around him/her, like a virus. Only an ...

The most up to date Al Anon Meeting Directory is on the Al Anon website. That is certainly the case in UK. Someone asked at a meeting for a list of places and times of meetings and were advised to Google Al Anon, which takes you to the Al Anon website. I found my meeting on the Al Anon website. This is the groups and meetings page for the UK: Al-Anon meetings Enjoy........... Al Anon Meeting Directory to Alcoholism Stories

"Yes, well, when she's on a binge it's pure hell. There is mess everywhere.......Am I boring you? What's the first step, Charlie, I've forgotten...............photo by maury.mccown I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday evening. I had resisted going to one because I felt that there was little chance of it being useful. I can't, obviously, talk about details but I can talk about it generally and how it went for me. It was useful, however. For me, the usefulness comes from being able to express ones anger, sadness and frustration openly. I would never talk to my relations like I talked to the group yesterday. This helps off load pent up emotions. In my case anger. Anger not so much that Jane can mess up my life but anger at myself for being what I am in having to live with her. I don't subscribe to the higher power thing, which is part of the AA and Al Anon concept. But despite that, it still works to a degree because it is the only place, for some peo...

Little bottles of Vodka -- photo by notfilc Although there are a lot of stresses going on in all our heads including Jane's, Jane has a particularly stressful relationship with her family in part due to her alcoholism. It is a vicious cyle clearly but it starts with the family and she has gone up to see them, particularly her Mum. He sister lives near her mother but declared that she was not able to see Jane. That might change. But in Jane's case family tensions encourage alcoholism. The thing is this. Jane has barely gotten over her mega binge. She is tired. She is alone going up to see her mother. She finds it stressful seeing her mother. She will have the opportunity to buy a little bit of booze in a little bottle which she can conveniently hide in her little handbag. A little sip will smooth things over just a little bit............ When she called me from the train she sounded fine. When she phoned me from her Mum's she sounded ever so slightly drunk. Here we go again....

Photo by confusedvision There is no cure for alcoholism; just control over it. But people continue to look for a cure. Something that can be taken, ingested, to change the way the brain works. God, we like that sort of thing! Instant fix, feel better in a bottle. Maybe we have something after all. I've just read about a drug that is used as a muscle relaxant called baclofen . This has been used by a Frenchman, a doctor (Dr Olivier Ameisen, 55), who became alcoholic and basically gave it a try. It worked for him. A kind of miracle cure. He wrote a book about the experience called, "Le Dernier Verre (The Last Glass)". He has tested on a small number of people with severe alcoholism and a high percentage found it worked for them. He seeks proper trials. So there it is, a cure for alcoholism? Is this the real deal? I doubt it but if it helps and even cures some people it will be a success. It begs the question as to whether addiction generally can be cured. Is addiction a st...

photo by windy234 "Psychiatric disorders are generally more prevalent among those with alcohol disorders. This is true for both men and women, however the disorders differ depending on gender. Women who have alcohol-use disorders have co-occurring psychiatric diagnosis such as major depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder. Men with alcohol-use disorders more often have co-occurring diagnosis of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, impulse disorders and attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder." ( this section is a Wikipedia® verbatim copy of a part of a larger article reproduced under license, see base of post ) This is true for Jane sadly. This is not a criticism. We are all flawed. Jane is lethargic. This is brought on by depression. She also is definitely living out her expectations of herself. The self fulfilling prophesy. She has been told she ...

No Hope -- photo by Pete Gray 1 After the pleasure of Jane stopping her binge, back to reality. Alcoholic chat -- Is there hope? Not really. Jane is OK. She is depressed after the binge. She is depressed after every binge. She is tearful. She reminded me that she had written two lines of a note to her sister and mother saying good bye during the last binge. She tore up the note. It was intended to be a suicide note. She had taken some sleeping pills plus vodka plus Valium plus anything she could find. I didn't mention this in the posting at the time in case she died and the police said I was negligent in helping her. I did help her but I have to be careful what I say sometimes because if she dies the stupid police may misconstrue things. Man this can be complicated sometimes. Jane is going up to the north to see her mother this weekend. It's about a 300 mile journey. She is going by train. Her sister lives near her mother. Her sister doesn't want her to come up. We don...

Just a quick note to say Jane has stopped her big binge and today is cleaning up her room with me. She has managed, so far, to smooth it over at work and has planned to visit her sister. So all is beautiful Chez Moi, relatively. Until the next time. I even had the opportunity to tell her about my American trip. The first time since I came back 9 days ago. The thing now is to get her strength back and to put some weight on. She gets very weak during a binge. All the lying down for about 2 weeks or more this time plus a poor diet. Certainly when she is on her own and binging she eats very poorly because the food runs out and she can hardly prepare anything. Jane has struggled today to get around. She feels tired all the time. Her sleep patterns are also disturbed. I'll take some time to really get back to normal, whatever that is. Thanks for your comments. They help. And I don't want people to think I think I am good or better than Jane. I decide to live with an alcoholic. This m...

photo by Donna Cymek Jane's alcoholic behavior means that we sleep in different rooms. There I was, in bed, working on my computer (as I do, sad me) and what do I hear? Jane calls out my nickname (the one she gave me, which I can't say here as it might identify her) followed by, "I love you". I smile and say, "you're talking normal things again ". And by that I don't mean it is necessarily normal for her to say she loves me, just that it was a normal sort of thing to say, it made sense, it sounded normal. Hey, we are communicating again. She has stopped the big binge. She is on the mend (for now) until the next time. But I don't care right now because it is really nice to begin to get back to some kind of normality. To converse. To look at her and see the person I feel in love with many years ago. To see the good bit of her. And guys, you guys out there --- thanks a lot if you put up a prayer and for your comments. I guess it worked. They certain...

Alcoholism chat - just a short one. Jane restarted her binge, as mentioned. She cannot stop this binge and I have no legal right to stop it. If I do it would be false imprisonment. Strange that. Maybe it's not so strange. She has the right to decide what happens to her. If I forced her to stop by, for example, locking her in her room, she would eventually sober up sufficiently to scream and there would be pure mayhem. I would be committing a crime. If a hospital drug her sufficiently to stop her moving or being conscious that is not false imprisonment. So that is the only way to get her to stop. She forced me to buy some more Vodka yesterday. She has been on a binge for about 2 weeks, or so, by my estimation, which is her longest. She will no doubt lose her job (at some time in the not too distant future). She is not, in fact, fit for work and must consider some other method of living. We could survive without her working. This depends on me staying with her, of course. I am abou...

The latest binge has been bad. Last night was distressing as I thought that there was a real chance that she might not make it. She has expressed a wish to die before but, other than the slow death of being an alcoholic, she has never got so close to ending it. Anyway, I woke up this Sunday morning at about 5 am and went into her room as she is OK. The effects of the drugs and alcohol have eased and she said that she was OK. Well, I really thought that I might wake up and find her dead. That sounds extreme perhaps but she punishes her body. Extreme levels of alcohol and also drugs. One never knows when the body will give up. She is not heavy either so the chemicals she ingests will have a greater effect. On my first date with her she got drunk (I didn't realise that she was drunk) and told me that if life was a path and it divided, one route signifying death and the other life; she'd choose the former. She wants to die. That sounds and is sad. But not surprising. Maybe it woul...

Lets pray for Jane - photo by Lush.i.ous Jane's alcoholic behavior is destroying her or maybe she died 45 years ago. Today, this evening, I am worried again for Jane. I am more concerned than I have ever been for her welfare, her survival. She has been on an alcoholic binge by my estimation since about November 23rd or so. She stopped yesterday. All that was pretty normal. She spent about 10 days on her bed in her bedroom surrounded by her bits and pieces, mess, food, empty bottles etc. sleeping, blind drunk. She did as she is told/suggested/advised (yes by me because it has to be that way) when she came down from the binge; she took some Valium (diazepam) to calm herself down and to prevent hyperventilating. She also took some anti-sickness pills (Motilium). She was gradually beginning to re-enter the real world and then decided to go back. She turned around and went back. She found some more Vodka. Drank that, not much by her standards (I am guessing this as she sounded drunk ag...

Photo by krotpong Here's a bit of senseless alcoholic chat . Humans, as a whole, drink millions of tons (hundreds of thousands of tons?) of alcohol each year. Booze is ethanol alcohol dressed up to make it more marketable and taste better. When we buy wine it looks like something other than ethanol alcohol. It looks special, rare. It's a science, an art and a financial investment. People talk about is as something other than a means to remove oneself from the realities of world at least temporarily. Is this guilt? Are we covering up our deep emotional need to get out? Humans seem to uncomfortable in their own skins. When we get older we need more booze. This is because we become tired of the world and have a greater desire to remove ourselves from it. I am speaking generally, of course. My cat doesn't seem to need to get drunk. She just lives and accepts. Humans as a whole aren't that smart but are we too smart for this world? Our intelligence makes us self-conscious (...

photo by ~BostonBill~ Alcoholism and nutrition (I mean good nutrition) don't go together. Jane my partner is a case in point, a bl**dy good case in point. There are three scenarios: One: She is in between binges and sober. She eats OK. Not much but OK. Jane can tend to under eat so is slim to underweight. After some binges in the past she was pronouncedly under weight. I actually don't think that Jane gets enjoyment from food like most of the rest of us. She eats to stay alive. I eat to stay alive and it is pleasurable too. Jane misses out the pleasurable bit. In fact, I don't think she knows how to get pleasure from things. Sometimes it seems that she is telling herself that she doesn't deserve to derive pleasure from things so denies herself pleasure. This may be part of the low self-esteem thing that is going on. Her diet is almost affected by her desire to punish herself for being bad in her eyes. She has been taught that she is bad. This happened during childhood...

Well, I've come back from the USA to find Jane going through another alcoholic binge and this one is a biggy. Hell fire and damnation, it's big, long and destructive. As I said the flat was a complete dump on my return. I have cleaned up the kitchen, my room and the living room. Tomorrow it's the bathroom. She is in her room sleeping on a pile of filth, junk, plastic bags, mess, vomit, food, more plastic bags, water bottles, empty bottles of Vodka etc. etc....I just close the door behind me and lock her and the mess away. Out of sight out of mind. Almost. Jane falls out of the bed sometimes and can't get back in. She calls out. I go in with a torch, into the black hole (the lights bulb has been removed and I can't get to the bedside light). I drag her up onto the bed. She calls out hours upon hours later for "something to eat". I have already bought some rolls from the local baker in preparation for this call. Rolls are good binge food as the food can...