The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Vineyard - future booze - photo by Vermin Inc Alcoholism Cat - Well, Jane had another binge when recovering from the operation. This time it was for several days. She asked me to get some Vodka during the binge, which I did to avoid injury to herself and bought 2 bottles. I had hoped that she would drink one bottle per day but drank both in under 24 hours as far as I recall. Same ole problem. She felt like sh*t after the binge (about the equivalent of 1-2 bottles of Vodka from the bottle per day - she is not a heavy person). I think she stopped because of fear of losing her job which I had hammered home might happen. She had to go back to hospital at the end of the binge due to stomach pain. I have lost count the number of times she has gone this year. I took her to hospital as the ambulance service were understandably reluctant to come and get her. It wasn't after all a life threatening situation although Jane was looking terrible, hyperventilating and had a bad pain in her stomac...

photo by Andrew Ebrahim I am one of the marginal people. I am unconventional. That qualifies me for alcoholic chat because marginal people can sometimes end up with alcoholics. If one questions society, or does not fit cleanly into society one is marginalized. It doesn't mean we are bad, quite the opposite. People who don't "play the game" and conform are often very good people. But the mass of people are too frightened to be unconventional even if they want to be. Fear drives a lot of what we do. After a while one realizes that it will be almost impossible to find a person enlightened enough to accept ones minor idiosyncrasies and accepts the bottom rung of the ladder and makes do. I have said that Jane is a binge drinker, meaning that she is sober for say 2 to 3 weeks and then binges for about 5-9 days and then restarts the cycle. The thing is it isn't that simple. In fact the more I know her (and it takes a lifetime to know her because she is so bl**dy sec...

Is this blog cruel? I started this blog last Christmas when Jane ruined it again. I was frustrated and it was hell. I needed an outlet. Jane constantly hurts me but should I make posts to this blog about it? I guess it is a kind of public argument. How would Jane react to this blog? A person making a comment asked that question - a good question. There is no point just hitting out and hurting her. But maybe this blog will help. She consistently denies that she is drinking. Although she did go to AA for 5 months so admitted it there. An alcoholic needs to be public about their drinking. It is the first step in recovery. She intends to write about her alcoholism anyway. Also I told her I'd do this blog. These are the pro arguments. Maybe I am just justifying doing it. Is this blog cruel? If it is I'll stop it. Update: some more pro and con points: Pro Jane intends to write about her alcoholism. If she intends to make it truly public, I am allowed to talk about it anonymously It ...

Jane is still drinking despite recovering from a serious but unnecessary and botched operation to her abdomen. She was ill before she started a mini-binge. She has now started a another mini-binge which is becoming a maxi-binge. Jane has an appointment to see a nurse tomorrow to ascertain if her operation wound (a 10-12 inch scar) is healing OK and in the not too distant future she has to have a medical examination for her employer. At the rate she is going at she may not even make the employer's examination. She will certainly miss tomorrow's. She looks a wreck. Her bruising on her head (due to falling over several times onto the hard floor) has gone down but her left eye is badly bruised. That won't go away in a hurry. Things aren't looking good. I mentioned this to her this morning when I took some food in (I gave her a toasted cheese sandwich for breakfast). She looked totally unconcerned about the medicals. She is definitely still drinking and it could be a ten day...

photo by Jeremy Castillo (creative commons license) I have talked about alcoholism and death several times and recently when Jane kept falling over on a hard floor when completely drunk. She did this after coming back from hospital for an operation that should never have happened. Well she just got drunk again and just fell over again. I'd gone out to get some food. She had already started a mini-binge the evening before. I could tell because she was happy and then sleepy and then her bedroom smelt of the bl**dy stuff. I don't mean the smell of Vodka out of a bottle but the smell of processed Vodka in air after it has been drunk and comes out in the breath. I know it all too well. Anyway, I walk into the flat and at that very moment she is staggering into the kitchen looking for food. She staggers towards the fridge, opens it, looks in, turns and trips. She smashes all the cat food on the floor to the four corners of the kitchen, falls towards the living room and collapse...

photo by chrisjohnbeckett Do you want to know how alcoholism kills? By alcoholics putting themselves into situations that are dangerous. Eventually if you do it enough times you'll get badly hurt or worse. Take Jane. She went to hospital after a binge (usual stuff). Got diagnosed with appendicitis (incorrectly). Had a botched operation. Had two more to repair the first. Got a massive scar down the middle of the stomach. Got signed of work for at least 6 weeks after leaving hospital, where she was for two weeks. She almost got killed in hospital. She gets bored because she can't do anything because of the operation. She drinks when she is bored. She get blind drunk with a weeping gaping wound in her belly (the healing scar). She gets out of bed for food blind drunk. She falls over on a hard floor. She gets knocked out. She goes back to bed. She gets up again about 12 hours later to go to the toilet. She falls over again and gets knocked out. Both times she could have been ki...

Photo by Stefano Liboni Here's a bit of alcoholism madness . I'll keep this short because it makes me too mad. Jane came out of hospital a week ago with a 12" long scare that would take a month to heal for an operation she shouldn't have had - read the beginning of the story here . Anyway what does she do back home? She won't eat properly, never has but she lost weight in hospital and needs to eat more than usual to build back muscle and heal her scar and get energy to allow her to get back to normal. She eats less than the stray cat I feed, Timmy (seriously). She shits less than him too. Worse, she starts drinking neat Vodka and takes to the bed, which is where she is right now. She's been there for the day and the previous night, she denies drinking (when she can speak) but has a bottle of Vodka next to her. She gets up to have a pee and falls over nearly killing herself as there is hard flooring in the flat (apartment). She fell over about 3 years ago an...

Photo by Giant Sloth This is another short post on alcoholism and death as Jane gets nearer than most to it some of the time. She has been out of hospital for about 4 days now. She is very poorly still. The surgeons screwed up the operation to remove an appendix that didn't need removing because Jane was in hospital with stomach pains as a result of an alcoholic binge. Surgeons have to play safe and they removed a healthy appendix because a bad one can kill. The trouble was they admit to cutting an artery, which bled internally for 4 days before they inspected with keyhole surgery. The original operation was done with keyhole surgery too. The third operation was done the old fashioned way and has left a 12 inch wound down the middle of her stomach which is very painful. It bleeds and oozes and causes a lot of discomfort. At one time in hospital I thought she might not come out. She shouldn't have gone in. If you're an alcoholic you can find yourself in the above situat...