The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

At the date of this post 29th Dec 2014, we are still together but living apart. We see each other when we can and go out together. We have space to ourselves. We have plans to live together in a home which allows us both to have some space but be together. Jane still drinks but much less and she manages it better. She holds down a job. We still argue but have good times together. We went to the local park today for walk and had a nice time. It was cold and sunny. I suppose this is life; the imperfections of life and of relationships. Sometimes when I look at her she shows me, in her expression, her tender, childish, charming undamaged interior. It is the face of innocence. Innocence is beautiful and precious. It is pure. In part, at least, my relationship with Jane, from my side, is one of carer and father. It fills a need I have. Perhaps from her side she needs her father who died years ago. We are father/daughter to a certain extent. I feel psychologically messed up ...

Sorry for the very long wait.  I didn't want to bother to write this.  To be honest it has become boring to write this blog.  This is because I created the blog to offload some of my anger and emotional anguish but this has now dissipated for various reasons. One of the reasons is that Jane has improved.  There is no doubt in my mind that since meeting her, her drinking has become much less of a way of life and more of an occasional blip.  She still lapses and the odd mini-binge but before her binges would take her out of operation for up to a month, whereas now she can get away with it. It interferes with her life much less. I am going to boast and say that I believe a lot of the progress is due to me. Anyway that isn't the point.  Another reason why things have improved is because I left our home and moved into a flat about 3 miles away.  That happened last October 2013.  I knew, however, that I would be extremely lonely and I am. I s...

Photo by __april It has been months (6 or more) since I last posted on this site. Sorry. I am still alive and so is Jane. Although sometimes I wonder whether I want to be. Some people will know who I am and you know what, I don't really care. It is all real. What marks this sad site out from many others is that every word is the raw truth. I can't tell people the exact nature of Jane's injury from her overdose because that would be unfair and I can't say much about the overdose but it did cause an injury to one of her legs which has left her disabled and in constant heavy pain. It may repair itself and it may not. This has cause considerable extra stress in the home. And the injury and constant pain has put considerable extra pressure on Jane. But an unexpected benefit is that Jane has lost some of her desire to drink. This may be because she has a new purpose: to get well again. If that is the case, it tells us something about alcoholism.  Purpose, a reason ...

This is a short post out of respect for Jane. She has taken an overdose in an attempt to end her life. She is in hospital. It is serious. My love for her that is so beaten up by her addiction is still intact deep inside me as is the beautiful core of her heart. I am fearful and anxious. Many times I wanted to be free from her and now it seems I might be. And I feel empty.

Vodka bottles - post edited by me - original by Scorpions and Centaurs I say to Jane, "You are awful when you are drunk. You lie and sneak booze in to the home. You lie in bed for days on end in your mess, piss and crap. You fall over when you go to the loo and injure yourself. This scares me. Your bedroom stinks. You are horrible."....and so on...! I add the odd swear word as you might imagine. Jane says, "I know but I can't help it". Then she says, "I know you love me deep down...in your own way".. All of it - true. So she can't help it. I guess we all knew that. It is called addiction. Sometimes in the past her family would ask. "what brought on this last binge?". I would reply, "addiction to alcohol". It is that simple at its core. Of course there are a lot of subtle psychological problems that gradually drive someone to drinking alcohol to excess which leads to addiction. But it is the addiction that then takes o...

by AmericanVirus Slippage is the sort of terminology you use for building works or some sort of project. But in this case I am using it for Jane and her battle against alcoholism. Actually, is she battling? I don't think she is. All I know is she has started to binge again after about 5 months of no binges except for some fairly minor sessions. I don't think an alcoholic can keep the devil boxed up for ever. The genie pops out of the lamp at some time. It is bound to. You know...there is one thing that forces her to stop a binge these days. It is the big stick! And the stick is the loss of her job. She knows that finding work today is hard because of the dire financial state of the country and Europe as a whole, and she likes her job. She is not young. She would struggle to find work. Jane is concerned about finances (everyone is except the rich chief executives and the politicians). It is these things that overcome her desire to lie in bed and remain totally sloshed ...

I'll tell you what is happening this minute - 28th May 2012 at 16:55. Jane is doing the predictable and has just started up again. If Jane goes through a good patch as she has done for about 6 months, the pressure builds up and she just restarts. A true alcoholic cannot keep the addiction out of their life. If you put a lid on it for a while, it will find a way out somewhere. Recently Jane has shown signs of going back to her old ways. I might have explained before; it is impossible to stop an alcoholic drinking other than by hand cuffing her to the bed and taking all the booze in her vicinity away. Unfortunately, that would be a crime. And the alcoholic will let you know that and probably call the police. If you take the booze away she'll just go and buy some more. Of course you can't find the booze anyway unless you tear the place apart because alcoholics are the best at hiding booze. There is no point asking or discussing the matter with an alcoholic because you...