The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Secrets - photo by Tonyç Is Alcoholism a Reflection of Our Interior? What the hell do I mean? In the last post I referred to our dark interior. The space inside us that only we see. No one ever sees that except us. All of us present the outside of us to the world. Some people present a whole person to the world that is completely different to the person they are. Others modify the interior and present a more acceptable exterior to the world. None of us show our dark interior to the world. That is why it is our dark interior that only we know. Sometimes, though it leaks out of us like a poison. It becomes visible. This might happen when we have had a drink and are more open with our feelings. But sometimes the pain of our interior is reflected in the need to kill it through the chemical ethanol alcohol, which is dressed up to hide the fact that it is a chemical designed to kill the pain in our interior. There is not one person on the planet that does not have a longing for something bet...

You may not get all the answers - by vaXzine Are Victims of Alcoholics Outsiders? I am a victim of an alcoholic's alcoholism. Or am I? Am I a victim of my own deficient character? If you could see me you'd see a person who looked perfectly normal, well balanced and together. But I am not totally together. I have worked all my life and been moderately successful. But I have never felt as if I fitted in. If I did I would I have been very successful financially, I believe. You have to like money and be a pack animal to be successful financially, I also believe. I don't meet either criteria. I recently made a post about myself. It was brutally honest and I deleted it because it gave a false impression about me. Everything in this website is the absolute unvarnished truth but it seems we cannot say everything about ourselves. We must leave something to ourselves, to our dark interior that only we know about. The truth about being a victim of an alcoholic or why we live with an a...

Waiting (for the miracle) - photo by by Ekler We are both playing a waiting game. I have told Jane that I am exploring arrangements to move out, which I am doing (surprise). Jane knows I am doing this and it seems she is making an effort at least for the time being to behave. I just know that the time will come for me to go. It is just a matter of time and I have mentioned this before over and over again. It is just so damn complicated to get out of here both emotionally and practically. I am playing a waiting game to see if she improves. Yes, I know she won't. Jane is also waiting to see if I actually take more tangible steps to move. The mood is OK because she is showing me some respect for once. At last she seems to understand the pain caused not only to me but her relatives. I sense a more responsible attitude but will it be sustained. Well we all know it won't. So, just enjoy it for the moment, is what I tell myself and when the inevitable ghastly binge comes along with al...

Alcoholism Chat -- 2 pm Saturday 24th January: Jane: "I feel sleepy" Freddie: Says nothing. He has heard this before. It can only mean one thing. Jane has had a little slug of the clear stuff, her best pal, Mr. V. Thirty minutes later Jane goes to the toilet for a pee. Freddie notes this mentally. Booze is a diuretic. More evidence of a little secret session with the bottle. He says nothing. Thirty more minutes elapse. Jane: "I feel sleepy, I'll just have a nap". A good three hours later Jane awakes from a deep slumber. "I just had a little nap. I felt sleepy because I woke up early this morning". Freddie unable to contain his thoughts any longer, in a gentle non threatening way having learnt to tread very carefully when discussing the dreaded booze: "You haven't had a drink have you?" Jane: " No, no, I never drink after a binge". Freddie: "Anything goes with you when it comes to booze." Jane: "Yes, I agree."...

All is Well - or is it? Just a matter of time...photo by Denis Collette...!!! After the last horrendous binge (11 days) and the aftermath (hospital 1 week, still off work 3 weeks later - is it 3 weeks?, I lose track), I had a serious talk with Jane about moving out. I really have come to the end of the line. It will be difficult on an emotional and practical level but the agonies of living with Jane when she is drunk has made up my mind. At the moment all is well. After telling Jane my serious thoughts she became more helpful etc. etc. after shedding a tear or two. Jane is currently sober. For how long? It is genuinely sad. I don't want to live alone and I have settled here. I know the area. I have routines etc. But leaving is really is something that I must do as all the visitors have made clear. OK, no one has said "leave" but they say so in so many words. And I have said I am going to leave after each binge and don't - pathetic. Anyway I won't bore people. Jane...

Despair -- emptiness -- madness - Photo by Jano De Cesare I don't know if Jane is approaching the end game but right now it feels like it. It is highly unnerving. Jane came out of hospital after an 11-12 day binge about 5 days ago or more. She slept most of the time and barely moved from the sofa. She ate what I gave her but it is never enough because she is a poor eater. She is weak. She is too thin. She started to binge again. No real break. No getting back to work. Just straight into the 'ole routine. She looks like she has given up. She really does. Heavily depressed with an air of complete hopelessness. She is erratic and frankly dangerous. She is histrionic and creates scenes and trouble, which I find almost frightening. Jane has fallen over on to the hard floor about 4 times, twice when sober but I suppose dizzy through weakness. I told her to get up slowly and progress carefully. I sit in my room and wait for the crash and cry. The thump then stillness. I wait for the...

Photo by Bright_Star The anger and bile coming out of me has subsided since my last posting . I've just read it and it reminds me how bad I feel during and after one of Jane's binges. I have tried ringing her at hospital and only on two occasions managed to talk to her. This is because unsurprisingly she is very tired and the hospital drug her, calm her down with sleeping pills and tranquillizers. This combination means that she sleeps a lot, which is good for her but it also means I cannot realistically visit. Went to Al-anon about 3 days ago and found it hopeless. The first meetings helped but now I find I cannot say what I want to for fear of upsetting people. I talk too much and that upsets people, the ones in charge. I feel it is not worth going again and this made me feel very depressed when combined with Jane's alcoholism. That's life, I guess. The anger though has subsided as it always does until the next time.