The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

I'm pleased to say that the 2/3 of a bottle Jane drank immediately after returning from hospital was the only booze she drank that day. We agreed that I would drive her to Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis to try and put some discipline and structure back into her battle against alcoholism. In return she would take to dancing classes. The dancing classes are her idea. Jane would admit that she hasn't shown enough commitment to controlling her alcoholism. She doesn't believe in Alcoholics Anonymous as it hasn't worked for her. She even lied once or twice about going but not going. But going to AA does put the problem firmly in the mind and as a problem that needs to be dealt with. This is something that Jane fails to do. She just staggers on.

An acoholism pill would be a wonderful thing and fit in to our modern "instant satisfaction" way of life. Recent research, apparently, has discovered a link between a genetic mutation in humans which creates the impulsive behavior characteristic of people who drink to excess and become alcoholics. This would lead the way to a pill that might be able to control the impulsiveness and slow down the rate of drinking and thereby prevent alcoholism taking hold. This would be a pro-active or preventative measure to against alcoholism. The current modus operandi is reactive and an alcoholism pill I know about it called " Antabuse ". The chemical name is Disulfiram . The idea is that if you take this pill once a day, if you then drink you become violently sick. The Pavlovian dog training is reversed. Rather than drinking bringing the reward of pleasure albeit transient, drinking now brings pain and so the brain is gradually retrained and in the interim the alcoholic canno...

The stages of alcoholism are subtle. Alcoholism creeps up on you. It grabs you by stealth. You have to recognize the fact that you are drifting towards the wire. You have to be able to change your habits before you cross the wire, to avoid that bl**dy wire. When you cross the wire you never come back. You have changed yourself permanently. All you are left with is the hourly, daily struggle to control it. This will go on for the rest of your life. The key is to recognize the drift towards the wire and stop it. As you might have guessed the wire is the imaginary fence or line (call it what you want) that you cross when you have programmed your brain to seek the "reward" of the pleasure of alcohol. This transient pleasure happens when the booze starts to take effect on the brain and takes you away from the pain that you are suffering. For Jane this pleasure is short lived because like all alcoholics she can't stop as she seeks more of that transient pleasure. Only the brain...

In my last post I said that I had been keeping an eye on the level of Vodka in bottle that was not hidden and that is was going down as Jane secretly (she thought) drunk her way through it. Hell, she must have been pleased to see that bottle. Why don't I clear the home entirely of booze, surely that would stop her? NO. She'll just go out and buy some whether she is drunk or not and if she goes out and buys some booze when she is drunk she is vulnerable. She can go outside to the shops in a very drunk and very disheveled state; no dignity, no pride. She has been mugged in the past or so she says. In one period some 3 years ago she had about 6 crimes committed against her in the same number of weeks; so she said. And there was, on the face of it, physical evidence (broken glass etc) to back it up. Was it all true? Who knows. She is vulnerable though, that is obvious. Anyway back to Alcoholics Trick No.1. When she drinks from a bottle that is not hidden by her (most are), she wil...

Alcoholism relapse has happened. To recap; I have today collected Jane from the hospital at about 3pm. She had gone to hospital after her last binge. She said that they (the doctors) had to do some tests for pancreatitis and that she had it. Although as the binge was short I am not sure about this. It normally occurs when she has binged for a long time say 7-10 days. This is going to sound harsh but she lies all the time particularly about booze and everything to do with it. Pancreatitis can kill you. At about 5:30 pm she is drinking again, but as usual it is done in a totally secretive way. And she doesn't know that I know she is drinking - best to keep quiet to avoid arguments. Some Vodka had been left over from the binge. I had put it out of way in the kitchen, high up so she might have difficulty seeing it. Although it doesn't matter as it is impossible to stop her drinking. Anyway, I know how much was left in the bottle. I guess I would, being a victim of an alcoholic. M...

I can only write this based on my own personal experiences as a victim of an alcoholic. I have given it a lot of thought but before writing on this subject I have not researched the matter as I want this to be solely based on experience. Jane (not her real name), my partner, is an alcoholic. She is a binge alcoholic. This means every 3 weeks, more or less, she takes to the bed and drinks neat Vodka out of the bottle at the rate of one large bottle (70 cl or 1 liter) per day (plus a bit more sometimes) for a period of about 4-10 days. She remains in bed when doing this. She sleeps or dozes throughout the experience. In between binges she drinks in the evening sometimes but this is not done in front of me. She nearly always drinks neat Vodka and always secretly even though I can tell when she is drinking and she knows that I know. I can say with some certainty that alcoholism is to an extent genetic based, meaning the propensity to it is inherited. This is because an observation of her ...

Jane is back from the Hospital after her regular Christmas Binge. I just picked her up. It's been a very minor session by her standards, having started binging on Christmas eve and coming out of hospital on the 28th December. She had to make a point of leaving hospital otherwise they tend to keep her in too long. The first thing she did when she got back was make her room presentable. As you can see from the picture she makes a terrible mess of her room when she binges. However it is not usual for her to tidy her room on returning from hospital. She normally does it a good day or two later. She had a porter push her in a wheel chair from the ward which I thought strange since she was well able to walk and walking would have helped to get her back to normal. In fact she could have been in the lobby of the hospital when I arrived but no. That meant difficult parking etc. I had a longish chat with her sister on the phone and we agreed on a number of points. One of which was that Jane...

Alcoholism relapse rates are naturally high as it is a chronic condition. In fact, it is well known that once you have "crossed the wire" you never get back. "Crossing the Wire" refers to the moment in your life when you go from being a person who likes a drink and chooses to have one, to a person who no longer has a choice as to whether or not he has a drink. Jane crossed the wire about 25 years ago and she proclaims to me that she is, "a lost cause". For her there is no such thing as relapse rates as she hasn't abstained long enough to allow herself to relapse. They say relapse rates vary between 50-90%. My gut feel and experience tell me alcoholism relapse rates are towards the top end of that range. As the alcoholic always remains susceptible to drinking again it takes a constant battle of will and actions, tricks etc. to control the situation. One of the things that can be done it to try and avoid the situation in which you are prone to feel lik...

I have decided to to give my partner a fictional name "Jane" as it is easier to type:) OK with that out the way, what is going down around here this morning? Jane (yeh, Jane is great to type.....) is still in hospital and I'm still alone getting through the Christmas food that she bought for two. As all the food is for two I am preparing it (it is convenience food) and eating it over two days by reheating the second day. Actually it tastes better the second day. Jane phoned yesterday from hospital, twice. On the first occasion I said I wasn't sure that I wanted to talk to her and that was end of the conversation. I was still mad she screwed up Christmas and called the police (see previous post - she had rung the police claiming she had been mugged, the police told me). Thats caused 2 police cars and 4 police officers and an ambulance crew to turn up. Terrifying and pure mayhem. That was all on Christmas eve and now it's all calm and lonely. On the second time she...

For me alcoholism is not a disease. A disease is a illness caused by a malfunctioning body organ due to an infection or genetic or developmental errors (modified dictionary definition). Alcoholism doesn't seem like a disease in a common sense level. It seems to me that this concept was created to allow therapists a "handle" with which to work in treating alcoholics. Did AA create this concept? I don't know. To me alcoholism is at heart a symptom of almost normal human behavior gone wrong. After all, just about everyone drinks alcohol. It's just the ones who can't stop after they have started who become habituated to drinking it.They can't stop because they want more of what makes them feel better, while ignoring the downside. They are keen to feel better because they are people who feel particuarly bad. This may be because they are anxious a lot of the time and that anxiety may be due to low self esteem (acute lack of confidence). A lack of confidence in ...

Every time my partner binge drinks I think this could be the time when she becomes another alcoholism death statistic. She nearly always (90% of the time) has to go to hospital after a binge. This is because she consumes about 8 bottles of neat Vodka and some other bits a pieces (what ever is to hand) over the period of the binge (3-10 days). This amount of neat spirit damages the body in these areas: Brain Pancreas Liver Kidney for her Teeth (making yourself sick a lot) Mouth Throat The body generally is weakened For her the main problem is not the liver. Binge drinking it seems allows the liver time to recover in between binges. It is only when you are pickled in alcohol for a very long time that you suffer liver damage. However, my partner does suffer from pancreatitis, which is a potential killer and on several occasions she has been in a critical condition. She has other problems to but more about that later. Whenever she goes to hospital they keep her in for longer than I would ...

Genetics depression alcoholism go together. My partner is an example. Genetics I believe that the cause of alcoholism is both genetic (nature) and due to experience (nurture). My partner's family demonstrate some traits that indicate a possible predisposition to alcoholism. Her mother is bird like and eats little. My partner is thin and weight obsessed (she would heavily deny this and argue about it - she is very defensive too). She is borderline anorexic and demonstrates that she does not particularly like food. Her weight can fall into the 7 stone bracket (44 kilogrammes) but is currently OK at about 8+ stones. She is 5 feet 6 inches tall. She is also borderline bulimic which shows when she makes herself sick over and over again for hour after hour after she has been on a binge and is in the process of stopping. She takes laxatives most of the time. Her sister is borderline anorexic too. Both are very defensive. My partner tells me that her mother has had a drink pro...

Alcoholism stories are something that I know a bit about, being a victim of an alcoholics behaviour. There's a nice story already on this Blog - the story of Christmas day ahhh so lovely.. Here's a another from a memory full of them. There are more to come. About 5 years ago my alcoholic partner wanted to go to the theatre to see a pantomime . The theatre was not that far away and she organised the tickets. I drove the car. We parked not too far from the theatre and she said she'd direct us to the theatre on foot after parking. She couldn't do it. She was confused and lost. Bad news and clear signs of the booze. However, but for the fact she was confused I couldn't tell she was drinking (I am better at it now). So, we get to the theatre (I kind of knew how to get there). She wants to go to the toilet when we get there. Fine. We get to our seats and during the performance she criticizes the show, unjustly (the booze talking). By the time of the intermission she ca...

Is this my turn to be sick? From a photographic standpoint I just think the mess makes a nice picture sometimes. Mess does. It can form an arrangement that pleases the eye. So you can see I am getting something positive out of this mess.

The heat is off and calm returns to the home. I had a good nights sleep only I had to wind down from last night. Having the police around and the thought of what she might do and say shook me up a bit. It took me about 2 hours to wind down and normalise myself. Everything is calm in the home now. When she's here and she is not drunk you are waiting for her to become drunk, only as she does it all secretly you learn to read the signs and boy am I good at reading the signs. More about that one later as well. But for now, this morning it is beautiful in one way as I know where she is (hospital) and I know she is not drinking and won't drink for a while (until the next binge). So the world is "stable" again. And therefore it is calm. These are the moments just after a binge when she is in hospital or just back from hospital when things are normal. The only time things are normal. At 9:40 am she phones from hospital. She's at one of the three hospitals that she f...

This happens but I didn't expect it this time. At about 9:25 I hear her making a phone call. At about 9:30 pm she comes out the bedroom with a bag packed. I ask her where she is going. No answer. She leaves the flat. She kneels down in the lobby and forward (see picture). I ask her to come in. She refuses. It's cold. I bring a fleece as she is wearing T shirt. I guess she has called an ambulance. She does this sometimes as she can't stop making herself sick. But this wasn't the case this time as she had barely started to make herself sick. I hear a siren. I see 2 police cars arrive and a little later an ambulance. I stay in the flat. I hear her being hysterical and see her being helped to the ambulance. She was not in that state beforehand so this is acting. She desperately wants someone to love her but she makes you hate her. She obtains attention by creating scenes in which she is the needy person. This is a bad way of getting short term fixes of TLC. Before I get cri...

Once of the phases in the binge drinking cycle, at least from my standpoint and experience is when the binge drinker stops drinking and feeling very unwell and being predisposed towards bullimia and anorexia, makes herself sick to relieve the uncomfortable sensation. The trouble is for my partner, she tends to overdo this a bit and makes her self sick every 5 minutes for about 5 hour, sometimes,or until a doctor gives her a tranquillizer to knock her out. I mention this because the sound coming out of the room next door is coughing. It's the first time during this binge that I have heard it and it is a sure sign she is about to start a sickness bout. About 10 minutes or so before she "coughed" (actually she was coughing because she had just stuck her hand down her throat - that would make you cough wouldn't it), she went (tottered) to the kitchen to get some liquid (flavored water). She uses this to help her be sick and to be sick on something as there is no food in h...

Everything is still, all I hear ( I see nothing) is the gasp, every few hours, the consequence of swigging down neat Vodka. And the occasional clatter of bottles, picked up carelessly or dropped expectedly. The noise frightens my cat who sleeps on my bed. I went in to ask her how drunk she was. She told me to "leave me alone", "go away". I went. I have just finished Christmas Dinner on my own watching Gone with the Wind (or part of it). I had to leave some of it as it was for two. Timmy the stray can has joined me. He's still here. The picture was taken about 2 minutes after I typed the word "here". I then uploaded the image. She'll sleep like this for 7 days except for the occasional excursion to get food or she'll shout at me to get it. Am I being cruel to write this blog and upload the photo. NO. I am the victim. She feels no pain, has no dignity, no pride, no self esteem, no hope, no sense of responsibilty. I am the one who suffers. She n...

Yep, she's still on her bed, in her bedroom, bedroom door firmly shut (she likes to be alone when she binges) with only the occasional sound coming out and this morning (it is 6 am) it was the sound of her yawning over and over again. Although she is or perhaps looks comatose when she drinks neat Vodka, she in fact not sleeping that much at all. After 7 days or so of doing this she is naturally in a state and one of the many consequences is total exhaustion through lack of proper sleep. I can testify as can us all to the way alcohol messes up the sleep patterns. It knocks you out and then you wake up early. What's going to happen today? It's going to be another classic non-Christmas at this home. Food for two in the fridge and only me to eat it. Totally alone again and the ruination of waht should be a friendly and warm time. She barely eats when she is binging as the alcohol is food (liquid food) and she'll top it up with things like biscuits and the occasional Asda ch...

The rattle of the screw top of the bottle being opened just happened 15 seconds ago. It is Christmas Eve and I am in a room next to my girlfriends bedroom (we have separate bedrooms). This noise tells me that she is just about to take a top up of Mr V. She drinks straight from the bottle. Maybe two swigs on neat Vodka. Sometimes it makes her gasp a little - it would. This is the next signal that she is proceeding as normal on her binge. It is the clink of impending mess and of hell to come because after you've drunk a bottle and more of Vodka a day (sometimes she drinks the liter bottles) for 7 days or more you are messed up and so it your bedroom.

What causes alcoholism? There are many causes, I am sure. There is normally a predisposition to it that is inherited. This is compounded by events in early life normally created by your parents or close relatives. I know what has caused my girlfriend to become an alcoholic. I'll write about it many times in this blog. If if any women reads this and cynically thinks, "yeh, it's you, you bastard", well you're very wrong. She became an alcoholic many many years before I met her. Because I loved her I didn't recognize that she was alcoholic until about 3 months into our relationship. That sounds strange. You would have thought I would have spotted it easily. Well there are several reasons why I didn't. One is that I had never met an alcoholic before and you expect someone to be a bit drunk when you see them drinking. You are programmed to judge drunkenness after seeing people drink or under certain conditions. You are not expecting to see someone drunk at any...

I am not a person who has rows. But here we are at Christmas eve and she shouted my name from her bedroom through the door, while I was on the computer. I shouted back. "f**k off". Why was I so aggressive? Simple. I've put up with her alcoholism for about 8-9 years. She has ruined every Christmas. It is as if she is programmed to go on binge at Christmas. And her binges last about 7 days on average. When I say binge I don't mean going down to the pub for a night out - no. She buys several bottles of Vodka (normally the 75ml size) and goes to bed for the entire 7 days. That means she is going to be out of my life for at least 2 weeks sometimes much more (more about that later). So, she shouts at me. I know she is about to ask me t go and buy some more booze. That is why I said F off. Sometimes I buy it because it is dangerous for her go out on the street late completely drunk - she gets mugged. But this evening I am too pissed off to be honest so NO. She goes to the sh...

Well, yesterday pretty well panned out as expected. All my pushing a shoving her to do something, to get up and stop drinking produced next to nothing as I know it will. I pulled back her duvet cover. Two bottles. One an empty wine bottle. Chateaux Neuf Du Pape she had bought me for Christmas - empty. The other a strong beer bottle - empty. Drunk in the space of about 4 hours. This is very light by her standards. Flash back to evening of 23rd : Duvet pulled back - half drunk bottle of Vodka tucked under her like a comfort blanket. I took it and hid it knowing that it was a waste of time as there will be more somewhere. Today 24th : time 07:45. She is still drunk but makes me a cut of tea. She looks drunk and unsteady. I can smell marzipan in the air (the smell on the breath). She goes back to bed. I say,"I'll ever forgive you for this". I pull the duvet back. One bottle of Vodka 3/4 drunk beside her. I ask. "What shall I do for Christmas?" She, as usual, bare...

I am the victim of an alcoholic. I have been a victim for about 8 years. I am a man. The alcoholic is a woman. She is my partner. She is a binge alcoholic. She drinks every 3 weeks for a 5-10 day stretch. She drinks in between the binges. It is all done secretly. She likes to drink at Christmas. It 7:45 in the morning and she started to drink last night before watching the Strictly Come Dancing Final. She was drunk throughout but managed to watch it. She went to bed early because she was "tired". She is tired frequently. She is tired in the morning and wants to sleep after breakfast because she has had a drink about 30 mins beforehand. I promised not to talk about booze with her to stop the arguments but I can see Christmas disappearing so I went into her bedroom (we sleep apart). I reprimanded her, I had to. She didn't respond. I went back to bed. I can hear her unscrew the Vodka bottle even though the door is shut. She is 80-90% certain of missing Christmas. I'll be...