Reality is cracked. Jane is still going running at 7:30 in the morning and still coming back in inordinately high spirits and stumbling over her words slightly. Is this me being paranoiac believing that she is drinking while out on the road running? It's the kind of thing she has done over the years.
Or is she just running and being high spirited because of the running? You know, when you live with an alcoholic and get lied to endlessly you can't believe a thing for one and you become paranoiac for two. It's just inevitable.
Jane is clumsy too. But it is this clumsiness just her nature or is she drunk all the time (slightly) and this is making her clumsy? Don't know.
I can't mention drink with her. If I ask if she has been drinking she'll respond aggressively by saying that I am accusing her of drinking. She'll fly of the handle and go into a deep sulk. The mood in the home disintegrates and nothing is gained. So, I just keep quiet and write this blog instead. It keeps me sane.
She going to AA every day, which is great. But if she is drinking at the same time, albeit in small quantities, she is fooling herself, lying to herself, which can only lower her already low self esteem.
If I spy on her to check whether she is buying Vodka in the morning on a run or drinking it on the run and find out she is drinking, I can't confront her with that information as she'll become aggressive and defensive and say that I am lowering her self esteem. She'll say,"It's no wonder I have low self-esteem" - pure madness. Best thing: keep quiet.
She just had a shower and struggled to get out of the bathroom (couldn't operate the door handle!) - she's got to be drunk again.
Photograph copyright and By Simone ver.β