Lies, Lies and more lies. These undermine a relationship big time. What is alcoholic behavior? Jane demonstrates alcoholic behavior. Alcoholics have common behavior and individualized behavior. Jane has some borderline personality disorders. This is not untypical of alcoholics and I am not being critical. We are all damaged in some way or other. We are all imperfect and that of course includes me. But it seems to me that alcoholics have some common characteristics which dictate behavior. They therefore behave in similar ways. This could be called background behavior.Layered over that there is alcoholic behavior that comes from drinking itself. Call this, drunk behavior.
Background behavior
It is probably fair to say that often people who become alcoholics are stressed, depressed, upset, emotionally in pain etc. This drives them to drink - common sense stuff. The pain they feel will dictate their behavior. Depression makes you inactive, less productive. Stress makes you agitated, irritated. These emotions lead to difficult relationships with others causing more stress. This may lead to drinking but not as an alcoholic, necessarily. People can be quite heavy drinkers but not be alcoholic. Drinking though will cause relationship problems, arguments, aggression etc.
Drunk behavior
As an alcoholic Jane's behavior when she is drunk is appalling. She will do all these things:
- Lie, lie and lie again that she is not drinking even though it is obvious she is. She will lie about anything to do with alcohol. Simple example. I say, "Have you had a drink". Answer, "No". "why are you falling asleep at 10 in the morning after having breakfast?" Answer, "Don't know, I feel tired". "Have you got any booze in your room?". Answer, "No". "What is this then" (pointing to a bottle hidden under some clothes). Answer,"It's been there for ages, haven't drunk from it though". She falls asleep 10 mins later.
- Deny, deny, and deny again. She'll will never admit to drinking unless you show her the bottle from which she has drunk 3 mins ago. Then she will just look at you and roll over in bed.
- Live dangerously - walk into the street lightly clothed in cold weather - anything can happen from being mugged (this has happened) to falling over and banging her head etc. etc.
- Phone the doctor and lie to him. She doesn't always explain the situation clearly to doctors so they are in the dark.
- Phone emergency services and lie to them saying she has been mugged when she hasn't (see Christmas day posting).
- These are just a few examples.
I can go on and on....it's all bad. But right now this minute she is OK. She's got a headache. These come on without warning and are bad. Are these due to the drinking. I wouldn't be surprised if they were.
This is about day 20 after her last binge so she is due another any day now. She is trying to avoid it, she is struggling with it. She may make it. She has to deny the urge to drink to begin to control it. If as an alcoholic you drink when you feel the urge, you reinforce your alcoholism.
The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure: A Holistic Approach to Total Recovery
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Just one comment I have is regarding your repeated claims of being a "victim." I am a recovering alcoholic who has been to treatment for alcoholism and addiction three times now. I've learned a lot about alcoholics and the partners they choose. Either we attract another addict or alcoholic like ourselves, or we attract a codependent, such as yourself. The two of you each play your own part in this dysfunctional relationship, both of you feeding off the other one. It is highly unhealthy, but you are not a victim as long as you stay in this relationship. There are codependent anonymous support groups, as well as Al-Anon meetings that I would encourage you to check into. Interesting blog.
ReplyDeleteHi Bella-Jayde, I don't think that I am your classic codependent. I just need a partner, someone to love and be loved by. Yes, there are codependent situations but not all relationships in which one partner is alcoholic are the same and based on codependency.
ReplyDeleteI spent 20 years in a relationship with an alcoholic, and I recognise that I was co dependent. I really loved this man, and I wasted the best years of my life believing in him, instead of believing in me.Only the alcoholic can save themselves, and you have my blessing if you are out there that you do, but if you are a partner, parent or a friend, save yourself. After many years of counselling, and many years alone still missing my ex, I met a man who is not an addict, and can honestly say that I have never been happier in a nurturing, mutually loving relationship. when I compare this to my former partner, I see how abnormal life is with an addict and how good life is without one. I recently went to a wedding with my partner, who had 2 glasses of champagne in the evening and then took me to the beach for a midnight walk. a huge difference to the two weddings I attended with my ex who got hammered, tried to start fights, and then passed out in the car on the way home. Please save yourself, get help. dont put up with this behaviour. Otherwise the alcohol becomes your bogey man too.
ReplyDeleteI am married to an alcoholic now. He starts drinking in the morning and if he can will drink til time for bed. He drinks in front of his kids and he says awful things to me as a result of the alcohol. He cusses me and accuses me of always cheating even though I never have. He will not do anythng to help his situation. He has medication to take and its like fighting a battle everyday to get him to take his meds. I do not want to end my marriage but I am just at a point where I am sick of having no normalcy in my life bc my husband stays intoxicated.
ReplyDeleteI live with an alcoholic. 6 months ago, he started treatment and was doing well, a few weeks ago a found a pint of gin(empty), he stated he slipped, with no noted remorse. I now think he is drinking, and when I ask, he states "Why are you spying on me". Then he gets defensive and says that I am judgemental, and then turns everything around and says lets talk about your issues, like I am the one to blame. Just alittle bit of background, I am an independant female, who is raising to wonderful children. I do everything from hosework to yardwork. I had lived alone for 3 years prior to meeting my partner, so am used to doing things on my own. My partner thinks that I am out doing things(cheating), when I am just picking up extra hours at work(LPN), to help with getting things done around the house. I don't receive any finanacial support from him. Why am I still in this relationship? Help! I know this is not healthy for me and my children, but for some reason I can't end it.
ReplyDeleteResponse to last comment. This defensive behavior, turning things around is so typical of alcoholics. They lose all sense of decency and right and wrong if they ever had it.
ReplyDeleteWhy do we stay with them? Answer: We are scared to be alone....
I started dating a man who I had known for years. After the breakup of his marriage, he had a string of relationships that he jumped into 100 percent, only to leave after a few months. When we started dating, our first date was at a bar, so was our second third and so on. He moved in quickly (why I allowed that Im still trying to figure out) but he would drink here and then we would go out and he would drink more. It didnt matter if it was his "time with his kids" from his previous marriage, he would find excuses to stop and get a drink...had to run to the store, go here or there..but always a way to get a drink. He works in a business that has crazy hours, so he would tell me that he was working, later to find he either wasnt or got off early. Then the fun started, he started not coming home at night, saying he stayed out with a friend that he hadnt seen in a while. "Sorry that will never happen again" of course until the next weekend when it did. Texts that my phone is dying, call you when I wake up-no call. To next find out that a good friend, who also drinks and chooses a antidepressent chaser with her drink was spotted out with him on days he was "working". I ended the relationship, but feel that he ended way before me. Sadness and hurt do not explain how I feel. To be betrayed by two "friends" I just can not comprehend other than their love for alchohol and probably the "after party" when they left was more important than moral character. So I lost a love and a friend...wondering what I could have done better to keep them both.
ReplyDeleteI'm with an alcoholic that no longer drinks but still has selfish, mean, and non-nurturing behaviors at times. He, for the most part now is fun and kind but when those behaviors kick in it floods back all those previous times that were HORRIBLE. I'm feeling pretty lost and unsure what to do. So complicated. (we've been together for 10 yrs!)
ReplyDeleteLike most of you on here i to meet an alcoholic who did not drink. He went to all of his meeting and i thought that would make him a better person.
ReplyDeleteHow wrong was i to think that.
Like what the other person had wrote above me he was all of that and worse.
I fell in love with him and he devastated my life by walking out on me and his step-daughter.
I can believe the selfish behavior of this man.
I found out he did this to a lot of women in life before he meet me.
One thing i have learnt is to never get involved with alcoholic weather they drink or not..
As an alcoholic, I have relapsed twice after eight years of sobriety. If you feel you have beat this disease as I did, stop going to meetings and keeping a support system...you may end up like me. I have lost my wife and all respect I had for myself. Please don't allow this!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was married to an alcoholic for 14 yrs, spent many years helping him get sober,he went through 3 alcohol recovery programs, endured a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from the man i thought i loved and had 3 children with. i worked 2 jobs to cover most of the bills because his paycheck goes to lawyers, probation fees and fines. He left the house many times, went to jail multiple times and ended up in prison for a year and keep taking him back. After he went to prison, he promised to stay sober but a couple of weeks before his probation ends, he's back drinking. we couldnt deal with the chaos in our lives and he decided to leave me and the kids. Believe me, it was a triumph for me to walk up to the door, open it for him and see him walked out the door, and my heart is set, i will never take him back. He left in October and i was ready to file for divorce in November, He begged for me to wait till the holidays are over. I was nice and I did. But the first week of January, i hired and put my lawyer to work. By February, he got arrested for DWI number 3 and he begged and begged for me to help him financially. No, not a dime came out of me. Now, he is sober again as he is back on probation. Divorcing him was the bravest decision i have ever done in my life. It wasn't easy to walk away from the marriage and the obligations that come with it. It was very difficult to keep my head above the water when he keeps dragging me down. I prayed a lot, and forever grateful for my family and friends who supported me. Now, its been two years, I am single mother, still work two job but I am happy, have peace in my heart and learning to trust again. Dealing with an alcoholic whether they are sober or not, is very difficult but I am thankful I was given a chance to walk away from it.
ReplyDeleteI've been dating a man for about 3 months and am finally beginning to put the pieces together that he is an alcoholic. This breaks my heart because he is a sweet, kind man and everyone adores him. But I'm learning that I can't count on him to make a plan and stick to it. He is struggling to keep a job he hates. We spend about 3 nights a week together and on every occassion, he is drinking. He rarely answers his phone, claiming that it was on silent or the battery died. And then he will come on strong and tell me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me...only to pull back and withdraw the next week. He will tell me that he needs some "time" to get his life in order because he doesn't want to mess up our relationship like he has with others. And yet, I'm not seeing any change in him when he reappears. He has 3 grown children and he is constantly letting them down. On occassion when we are out, he will tell me that I'm the one who is drunk, and yet I never had a drink. I just don't understand it. As heart-breaking as it is, this man appears to WANT to get his life in order, but isn't taking the steps to do anything about it. I believe it's time for me to walk away, even though we grew close very quickly. Sad situation.
ReplyDeleteI too am married to an alcoholic who was sober for 90 days and relapsed we keep having marital issues that make my head spin. As chaotic as the relationship is i still stay hoping it will get better now he is back to denial don't know what to do. Pray for me
ReplyDeleteI too am married to an alcoholic who was sober for 90 days and relapsed we keep having marital issues that make my head spin. As chaotic as the relationship is i still stay hoping it will get better now he is back to denial don't know what to do. Pray for me
ReplyDeleteI am an alcoholic sober 8 years but still realize all I have is today....I know if I drink again I might not have a chance to stop and I will die. I do service work and meetings but keep the thought all that will not help if I go back out. My parents were drunks and I want to die sober...
ReplyDelete