The Diary of a Victim of an Alcoholic

Jane is huddled in bed with Mr Vodka, her long time companion and best friend and amongst her mess. She's binging again. Falling over when she goes to the bathroom again. Cracking her head on the hard floor again. A mess again. Getting thinner and thinner. Wasting away again. Blah blah blah. She said she wouldn't drink over Christmas. Are we still in Christmas? Yes, she started a day after Boxing Day so she is drinking over Christmas. Well of course she is. She never does what she promises when in comes to good ole Mr. Vodka her best mate.

Leaving......by majorbrighton It is really time to leave, for good. Jane came back from work just a little drunk yesterday. She stops on the way back to buy and consume some Mr. V. She covers the delay by buying some provisions. Later, I overheard her speaking to my mother about me in a derogatory manner, a misleading and false manner for a considerable time. Jane was a little drunk at the time, not much, but enough to loosen the tongue. Anyway, it has completely p*ss*d me off. And I am p*ss*d off with my mother who shouldn't be gossiping about me behind my back. My mother is very dangerous. She'll spread whatever is said far and wide. I'm no saint but I have done lots for Jane. In any case no one should do that, ever. It is plain bad in my book. There you go. I am steeling myself to leave. Not sure where or how. Just know I gotta do it. Bringing me down. Gotta try and live again. Live normally again. P.S. To anyone who says that this Blog is doing the same thing as Jane d...

Jane drank a glass of wine with me in a normal way today for the first time.........photo by lanier67 Alcoholism behavior is unpredictable and that proved the case this Christmas. Linda asked how Christmas 2008 went. Well, I am pleased to say it went well. Yep, it actually is still going well and it is hard to believe. She promised me that she wouldn't drink and she hasn't as far as I can see. Well that is not quite true in fact. As I was drinking some wine, she actually asked me if I could pour her some wine too. That I think is a first. As I said she always drinks alone and secretly. I have never seen her drink. I have said to her before a number of times, if she could drink more normally, I might be able to exercise some control over it or Jane might be able to exercise more control. It would be normalising drinking, making less of a guilt ridden dark secret of drinking and joining the rest of the world. This I had hoped would help to curb the horrendous binges. And for the...

Yep, more alcoholic chat and its all calm Chez Moi at the moment. Jane has promised to be sober this Christmas. How many times have I heard that jewel of dishonesty? That jewel of propoganda to make me believe that we are actually going to have a real Christmas. She says we can do things together. Together? When did we last do things together at Chistmas? She does do things together at Christmas but it's not with me; it's with her best mate, her closest friend who comes in a nice clear glass bottle, Mr. Vodka. Mr. Vodka is so friendly. He always provides pleasure at the beginning, then he turns nasty but Jane doesn't mind that. As long as she gets that special Mr Vodka rush at the beginning any price that she pays later is value for money. She'll happily sleep with Mr Vodka for a full week or more. She keeps the bottle close under the duvet. No one can get near it. Jane asked me to get the Christmas tree from the garage. I said I would but didn't. I forgot but I don...

Hope - photo by RebelBlueAngel At a recent meeting I said that alcoholism destroys hope . It is the very antithesis of hope. Alcoholism is nihilistic. The alcoholic is gradually destroying her/himself. Alcoholism breaks down the body, it damages objects around the person (by the person falling over or dropping things etc.) and it damages people involved with the alcoholic. It also tends to erode even destroy hope in the people involved with the alcoholic. These are partners, friends or relations. But I wasn't quite right. The loss of hope happened tens of years ago in the alcoholic. It happened perhaps as a child, when the alcoholic-to-be was damaged or the genetic seeds were beginning to grow. It was then that hope in that person was lost. Although the alcoholic-to-be didn't know it. Being alcoholic is a manifestation, in part, of the alcoholics loss of hope many years earlier. The alcoholic then spreads that loss of hope to those around him/her, like a virus. Only an ...

The most up to date Al Anon Meeting Directory is on the Al Anon website. That is certainly the case in UK. Someone asked at a meeting for a list of places and times of meetings and were advised to Google Al Anon, which takes you to the Al Anon website. I found my meeting on the Al Anon website. This is the groups and meetings page for the UK: Al-Anon meetings Enjoy........... Al Anon Meeting Directory to Alcoholism Stories

"Yes, well, when she's on a binge it's pure hell. There is mess everywhere.......Am I boring you? What's the first step, Charlie, I've forgotten...............photo by maury.mccown I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday evening. I had resisted going to one because I felt that there was little chance of it being useful. I can't, obviously, talk about details but I can talk about it generally and how it went for me. It was useful, however. For me, the usefulness comes from being able to express ones anger, sadness and frustration openly. I would never talk to my relations like I talked to the group yesterday. This helps off load pent up emotions. In my case anger. Anger not so much that Jane can mess up my life but anger at myself for being what I am in having to live with her. I don't subscribe to the higher power thing, which is part of the AA and Al Anon concept. But despite that, it still works to a degree because it is the only place, for some peo...

Little bottles of Vodka -- photo by notfilc Although there are a lot of stresses going on in all our heads including Jane's, Jane has a particularly stressful relationship with her family in part due to her alcoholism. It is a vicious cyle clearly but it starts with the family and she has gone up to see them, particularly her Mum. He sister lives near her mother but declared that she was not able to see Jane. That might change. But in Jane's case family tensions encourage alcoholism. The thing is this. Jane has barely gotten over her mega binge. She is tired. She is alone going up to see her mother. She finds it stressful seeing her mother. She will have the opportunity to buy a little bit of booze in a little bottle which she can conveniently hide in her little handbag. A little sip will smooth things over just a little bit............ When she called me from the train she sounded fine. When she phoned me from her Mum's she sounded ever so slightly drunk. Here we go again....

Photo by confusedvision There is no cure for alcoholism; just control over it. But people continue to look for a cure. Something that can be taken, ingested, to change the way the brain works. God, we like that sort of thing! Instant fix, feel better in a bottle. Maybe we have something after all. I've just read about a drug that is used as a muscle relaxant called baclofen . This has been used by a Frenchman, a doctor (Dr Olivier Ameisen, 55), who became alcoholic and basically gave it a try. It worked for him. A kind of miracle cure. He wrote a book about the experience called, "Le Dernier Verre (The Last Glass)". He has tested on a small number of people with severe alcoholism and a high percentage found it worked for them. He seeks proper trials. So there it is, a cure for alcoholism? Is this the real deal? I doubt it but if it helps and even cures some people it will be a success. It begs the question as to whether addiction generally can be cured. Is addiction a st...

photo by windy234 "Psychiatric disorders are generally more prevalent among those with alcohol disorders. This is true for both men and women, however the disorders differ depending on gender. Women who have alcohol-use disorders have co-occurring psychiatric diagnosis such as major depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or borderline personality disorder. Men with alcohol-use disorders more often have co-occurring diagnosis of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, impulse disorders and attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder." ( this section is a Wikipedia® verbatim copy of a part of a larger article reproduced under license, see base of post ) This is true for Jane sadly. This is not a criticism. We are all flawed. Jane is lethargic. This is brought on by depression. She also is definitely living out her expectations of herself. The self fulfilling prophesy. She has been told she ...

No Hope -- photo by Pete Gray 1 After the pleasure of Jane stopping her binge, back to reality. Alcoholic chat -- Is there hope? Not really. Jane is OK. She is depressed after the binge. She is depressed after every binge. She is tearful. She reminded me that she had written two lines of a note to her sister and mother saying good bye during the last binge. She tore up the note. It was intended to be a suicide note. She had taken some sleeping pills plus vodka plus Valium plus anything she could find. I didn't mention this in the posting at the time in case she died and the police said I was negligent in helping her. I did help her but I have to be careful what I say sometimes because if she dies the stupid police may misconstrue things. Man this can be complicated sometimes. Jane is going up to the north to see her mother this weekend. It's about a 300 mile journey. She is going by train. Her sister lives near her mother. Her sister doesn't want her to come up. We don...

Just a quick note to say Jane has stopped her big binge and today is cleaning up her room with me. She has managed, so far, to smooth it over at work and has planned to visit her sister. So all is beautiful Chez Moi, relatively. Until the next time. I even had the opportunity to tell her about my American trip. The first time since I came back 9 days ago. The thing now is to get her strength back and to put some weight on. She gets very weak during a binge. All the lying down for about 2 weeks or more this time plus a poor diet. Certainly when she is on her own and binging she eats very poorly because the food runs out and she can hardly prepare anything. Jane has struggled today to get around. She feels tired all the time. Her sleep patterns are also disturbed. I'll take some time to really get back to normal, whatever that is. Thanks for your comments. They help. And I don't want people to think I think I am good or better than Jane. I decide to live with an alcoholic. This m...

photo by Donna Cymek Jane's alcoholic behavior means that we sleep in different rooms. There I was, in bed, working on my computer (as I do, sad me) and what do I hear? Jane calls out my nickname (the one she gave me, which I can't say here as it might identify her) followed by, "I love you". I smile and say, "you're talking normal things again ". And by that I don't mean it is necessarily normal for her to say she loves me, just that it was a normal sort of thing to say, it made sense, it sounded normal. Hey, we are communicating again. She has stopped the big binge. She is on the mend (for now) until the next time. But I don't care right now because it is really nice to begin to get back to some kind of normality. To converse. To look at her and see the person I feel in love with many years ago. To see the good bit of her. And guys, you guys out there --- thanks a lot if you put up a prayer and for your comments. I guess it worked. They certain...

Alcoholism chat - just a short one. Jane restarted her binge, as mentioned. She cannot stop this binge and I have no legal right to stop it. If I do it would be false imprisonment. Strange that. Maybe it's not so strange. She has the right to decide what happens to her. If I forced her to stop by, for example, locking her in her room, she would eventually sober up sufficiently to scream and there would be pure mayhem. I would be committing a crime. If a hospital drug her sufficiently to stop her moving or being conscious that is not false imprisonment. So that is the only way to get her to stop. She forced me to buy some more Vodka yesterday. She has been on a binge for about 2 weeks, or so, by my estimation, which is her longest. She will no doubt lose her job (at some time in the not too distant future). She is not, in fact, fit for work and must consider some other method of living. We could survive without her working. This depends on me staying with her, of course. I am abou...

The latest binge has been bad. Last night was distressing as I thought that there was a real chance that she might not make it. She has expressed a wish to die before but, other than the slow death of being an alcoholic, she has never got so close to ending it. Anyway, I woke up this Sunday morning at about 5 am and went into her room as she is OK. The effects of the drugs and alcohol have eased and she said that she was OK. Well, I really thought that I might wake up and find her dead. That sounds extreme perhaps but she punishes her body. Extreme levels of alcohol and also drugs. One never knows when the body will give up. She is not heavy either so the chemicals she ingests will have a greater effect. On my first date with her she got drunk (I didn't realise that she was drunk) and told me that if life was a path and it divided, one route signifying death and the other life; she'd choose the former. She wants to die. That sounds and is sad. But not surprising. Maybe it woul...

Lets pray for Jane - photo by Lush.i.ous Jane's alcoholic behavior is destroying her or maybe she died 45 years ago. Today, this evening, I am worried again for Jane. I am more concerned than I have ever been for her welfare, her survival. She has been on an alcoholic binge by my estimation since about November 23rd or so. She stopped yesterday. All that was pretty normal. She spent about 10 days on her bed in her bedroom surrounded by her bits and pieces, mess, food, empty bottles etc. sleeping, blind drunk. She did as she is told/suggested/advised (yes by me because it has to be that way) when she came down from the binge; she took some Valium (diazepam) to calm herself down and to prevent hyperventilating. She also took some anti-sickness pills (Motilium). She was gradually beginning to re-enter the real world and then decided to go back. She turned around and went back. She found some more Vodka. Drank that, not much by her standards (I am guessing this as she sounded drunk ag...

Photo by krotpong Here's a bit of senseless alcoholic chat . Humans, as a whole, drink millions of tons (hundreds of thousands of tons?) of alcohol each year. Booze is ethanol alcohol dressed up to make it more marketable and taste better. When we buy wine it looks like something other than ethanol alcohol. It looks special, rare. It's a science, an art and a financial investment. People talk about is as something other than a means to remove oneself from the realities of world at least temporarily. Is this guilt? Are we covering up our deep emotional need to get out? Humans seem to uncomfortable in their own skins. When we get older we need more booze. This is because we become tired of the world and have a greater desire to remove ourselves from it. I am speaking generally, of course. My cat doesn't seem to need to get drunk. She just lives and accepts. Humans as a whole aren't that smart but are we too smart for this world? Our intelligence makes us self-conscious (...

photo by ~BostonBill~ Alcoholism and nutrition (I mean good nutrition) don't go together. Jane my partner is a case in point, a bl**dy good case in point. There are three scenarios: One: She is in between binges and sober. She eats OK. Not much but OK. Jane can tend to under eat so is slim to underweight. After some binges in the past she was pronouncedly under weight. I actually don't think that Jane gets enjoyment from food like most of the rest of us. She eats to stay alive. I eat to stay alive and it is pleasurable too. Jane misses out the pleasurable bit. In fact, I don't think she knows how to get pleasure from things. Sometimes it seems that she is telling herself that she doesn't deserve to derive pleasure from things so denies herself pleasure. This may be part of the low self-esteem thing that is going on. Her diet is almost affected by her desire to punish herself for being bad in her eyes. She has been taught that she is bad. This happened during childhood...

Well, I've come back from the USA to find Jane going through another alcoholic binge and this one is a biggy. Hell fire and damnation, it's big, long and destructive. As I said the flat was a complete dump on my return. I have cleaned up the kitchen, my room and the living room. Tomorrow it's the bathroom. She is in her room sleeping on a pile of filth, junk, plastic bags, mess, vomit, food, more plastic bags, water bottles, empty bottles of Vodka etc. etc....I just close the door behind me and lock her and the mess away. Out of sight out of mind. Almost. Jane falls out of the bed sometimes and can't get back in. She calls out. I go in with a torch, into the black hole (the lights bulb has been removed and I can't get to the bedside light). I drag her up onto the bed. She calls out hours upon hours later for "something to eat". I have already bought some rolls from the local baker in preparation for this call. Rolls are good binge food as the food can...

Well, in the last post I ask whether Jane, my alcoholic partner, would stay sober while I was away in America and whether she would be able to look after my cat, plus feed the stray cat and finally keep the place looking half decent. The answer is a resounding, No. The emails dried up after about day 3 and I was away for 10 days, so I returned to pure mayhem. The flat looked uninhabitable. Wall to wall mess. Pure chaos. It looked like the place has been ransacked in a particularly nasty way. The floor was littered. It had the appearance of a tramp's den of 30 years. She has been drinking heavily and continues to drink as I write this. I was anxious since the emails stopped and I had tried to phone without success. I was particularly anxious about my cat. I had real fears of getting home and finding my cat seriously ill or worse. As it happens she was OK but nervous and hungry. Her water bowl was almost dry and her litter tray a complete mess and unusable. So there it is, the same...

More of the same, alcoholic chat . I am off to the good ole US of A tomorrow for 10 days. I have built a website that is doing well (for animal charities actually) and I have a connection with people there. I want to thank people and try to build some relationships to make it even more successful. So, the big question is, "will Jane stay sober while I am away?". And another one, "will Jane keep the place in reasonable shape?" No criticism meant but Jane is horrendously untidy and I am boringly very organized. Well not quite actually but fairly organized. I do the minimum to make life easier. Anyway, I said to her, please keep it tidy. Actually I said, " I don't want to come back to a tip!" She said, "I'll keep it tidy 100% defo." I guess we'll see. She'll make it messy and then the day before I return she'll do a massive clear up, if she is sober. She is managing well right now. No excessive drinking just the occasional little...

photo by kpishdadi Alcoholic chat - things are OK right now. Well things are alright in a kinda not alright way. We argue etc. Who doesn't? But Jane is OK, working and doing things right. That deserves some praise and I praise her for her efforts. It is a long, actually infinite, road to recovery. Recovery is the wrong word. Control is better. Perhaps she is learning to control her drinking. That is what most of us manage to do if we drink. We put the brakes on. Alcoholics don't know when to stop. I am being criticized for this blog. It's mainly by women. No, it's entirely by women. This is a sex war thing. There is a lot of antagonism between the sexes. I am surprised society works at all sometimes. One day if and when Jane is better perhaps people will stop criticizing. I need to express myself and at its heart this website is meant to do good, to instruct alcoholics what it is like for other people. Alcoholics sometimes are unaware of the damage they cause to people...

Although all scientific reports should be digested with caution, there was a report recently that said that binge drinking leads to an increased risk of Alzheimer's disease in older age. This is not at all surprising if true. Alcohol is a poison in large doses. Even in relatively small doses it is unhealthy but we consume it nonetheless. The after effects tell us how poisonous it is but we treat the after effects as some sort of routine process not as the body telling us that it is poison. We can feel sick. We get a hangover. Apparently a hangover is due to the brain swelling up. If you observe hard drinkers their entire body looks frail as if it has been broken down throughout. I would be surprised if there was no damage to the brain. In fact I think that Jane is more forgetful than she was or her memory is less good. As the change is gradual it can be hard to measure especially if you aren't actually looking out for it. Alcohlics don't care that they are hurting themselve...

Photo by HJRook More alcoholism chat - Alcoholics lack self self discipline and self esteem. They also lack rational and logical thought sometimes. Sounds harsh. It is harsh but I think it is true. And the marshmallow test supports this. Some time ago a scientist/psychologist devised a test in which he placed a marshmallow in front of a child and said that if he/she didn't eat it while he was out of the room for a while he would let the child have a second one. He left the room. A percentage ate it immediately. A percentage waited and ate it before he came back. Some left it and got a second one. When they grew up who do you think had a higher likelihood of becoming alcoholic? Yes the first group. The third group, the ones who abstained are the people more likely to succeed in our society. They are more rational and think long term and about the consequences of their actions. They are less impulsive. Impulsive behavior leads to problems in this world although it can help in creativ...

More alcoholism chat .......It's time for a 4 day update. I'm still alive and so is she. She worked part-time last week and struggled not having had sufficient time to get over her last binge that she completed barely 2 days before restarting work after a long lay off (due indirectly to alcoholism). She needs a good 4 days minimum to get over a 5 day binge and it can take a lot more (3 weeks if she is hospitalized). Anyway, she struggled through and well done. Every time she comes through a binge (and sometimes I am not sure she will) she says that it will be the last. Do I believe her? Well, would you if she had being doing it for 25 years like clockwork? She has just finished cleaning/tidying her bedroom. This takes about 4 days usually as it looks like a old tramps hovel after a binge, full of spilt booze, wet duvet, wet sticky floor, vomit, biscuit fragments, curry bits, smelly buckets, broken glass, clothes, papers, pills and more pills............and the gruesome smell o...

Yep, Jane got back to work......just..on Wednesday last. She felt dizzy before going and looked weak and pale today, and very skinny. She is not eating well. She's lost weight. Some more idle alcoholism chat. After a binge it takes a good 4 days really to get back on her feet. Lying in bed in the dark and drinking vodka out of a bottle at a good rate for 5-9 days takes a bit of getting over. Anyway, good for her. I'm pleased she made it. I hope she continues to go to work and build up her strength by eating. Yes, just eating. Not a biscuit here or there or a bowl of soup for dinner but something solid and calorific to provide energy. She was off for about 4 months and didn't once go to AA, which helped her last time she went. Next mission: get her to go back to AA. It is a never ending battle. I have said that once you have "crossed the wire" you never get back. Some, a very small percentage do. But it takes time. As long as it took to get to the wire and cross it...

level vodka by Andrew Ebrahim Just a bit of alcoholism chat . From an SEO point of view I am not sure whether to call the post "alcoholic chat" or "alcoholism chat". It should be the latter I think. Jane starts work tomorrow. She is up and about but very fragile, huffing and puffing, shuffling and disappearing into her bunker. She said she would make work (while she going through the binge). She is able to think quite lucidly during a large binge sometimes as she tends to have mini pauses when the booze wears off a bit. She then almost stops, decides she doesn't like the real world and goes back down into the black abyss one more time, out of it all, in her parallel universe of never ending dozing but never sleeping, lying on the bed in the darkness for hour after hour, day after day, amongst the extreme mess of bottles and waste food surrounding her. You hear the occasional rustling of plastic bags and the clinking of bottles, the unscrewing of screw tops and t...

This Alcoholic chat is dedicated to Lindsey a recovering alcoholic who I think will make it back to the true and harsh world. I can understand alcoholism. Although I am not an alcoholic, when I was a lawyer, the work load drove me to the comfort of booze. That gorgeous moment when it all floats away. I needed it. I welcomed it. It was good. A lot of lawyers fall foul of the booze. It is only human. For me though once I have had about half a bottle of wine or a bit more, I start to feel the need to stop as the enjoyment goes and I start to feel the downside already. I kind of feel the future and I know that it will be bad if I continue. I nearly always don't take any pain killers if I have a hangover to remind me of the pain. To teach me that the reward of alcohol is false and transient. It is after all a learning process. We learn to like it for the reward it brings. The short term reward and humans are very good at short term reward. Look at the financial mess we are in. This tur...

Yep, more alcoholic chat because a kind soul said he/she missed my blog - thanks for that. Jane is still recovering from the appendix operation she shouldn't have had (see botched operation - alcoholism kills ). Her recovery is taking for ever. Her expectations for recovery were misplaced by incorrect information given by a nurse. Some of the nurses in UK hospitals have lost or were never taught how to provide customer care. Anyway back to good ole booze. Jane continues to drink from time to time while recovering from her appendix operation that went wrong. This slows recovery plus she is lazy. Sorry but it is true. She is scheduled to restart work in about 3 weeks and she'll need retraining. I am p**sed off because she drank her usual neat Vodka over the weekend, ruining Sunday, abandoning me and asking if I have forgiven her. I said yes but meant no. At least she realized the severity of the downside if she started a real 7 day binge. No job (possible), no me (probable - is ...

Vineyard - future booze - photo by Vermin Inc Alcoholism Cat - Well, Jane had another binge when recovering from the operation. This time it was for several days. She asked me to get some Vodka during the binge, which I did to avoid injury to herself and bought 2 bottles. I had hoped that she would drink one bottle per day but drank both in under 24 hours as far as I recall. Same ole problem. She felt like sh*t after the binge (about the equivalent of 1-2 bottles of Vodka from the bottle per day - she is not a heavy person). I think she stopped because of fear of losing her job which I had hammered home might happen. She had to go back to hospital at the end of the binge due to stomach pain. I have lost count the number of times she has gone this year. I took her to hospital as the ambulance service were understandably reluctant to come and get her. It wasn't after all a life threatening situation although Jane was looking terrible, hyperventilating and had a bad pain in her stomac...

photo by Andrew Ebrahim I am one of the marginal people. I am unconventional. That qualifies me for alcoholic chat because marginal people can sometimes end up with alcoholics. If one questions society, or does not fit cleanly into society one is marginalized. It doesn't mean we are bad, quite the opposite. People who don't "play the game" and conform are often very good people. But the mass of people are too frightened to be unconventional even if they want to be. Fear drives a lot of what we do. After a while one realizes that it will be almost impossible to find a person enlightened enough to accept ones minor idiosyncrasies and accepts the bottom rung of the ladder and makes do. I have said that Jane is a binge drinker, meaning that she is sober for say 2 to 3 weeks and then binges for about 5-9 days and then restarts the cycle. The thing is it isn't that simple. In fact the more I know her (and it takes a lifetime to know her because she is so bl**dy sec...

Is this blog cruel? I started this blog last Christmas when Jane ruined it again. I was frustrated and it was hell. I needed an outlet. Jane constantly hurts me but should I make posts to this blog about it? I guess it is a kind of public argument. How would Jane react to this blog? A person making a comment asked that question - a good question. There is no point just hitting out and hurting her. But maybe this blog will help. She consistently denies that she is drinking. Although she did go to AA for 5 months so admitted it there. An alcoholic needs to be public about their drinking. It is the first step in recovery. She intends to write about her alcoholism anyway. Also I told her I'd do this blog. These are the pro arguments. Maybe I am just justifying doing it. Is this blog cruel? If it is I'll stop it. Update: some more pro and con points: Pro Jane intends to write about her alcoholism. If she intends to make it truly public, I am allowed to talk about it anonymously It ...

Jane is still drinking despite recovering from a serious but unnecessary and botched operation to her abdomen. She was ill before she started a mini-binge. She has now started a another mini-binge which is becoming a maxi-binge. Jane has an appointment to see a nurse tomorrow to ascertain if her operation wound (a 10-12 inch scar) is healing OK and in the not too distant future she has to have a medical examination for her employer. At the rate she is going at she may not even make the employer's examination. She will certainly miss tomorrow's. She looks a wreck. Her bruising on her head (due to falling over several times onto the hard floor) has gone down but her left eye is badly bruised. That won't go away in a hurry. Things aren't looking good. I mentioned this to her this morning when I took some food in (I gave her a toasted cheese sandwich for breakfast). She looked totally unconcerned about the medicals. She is definitely still drinking and it could be a ten day...

photo by Jeremy Castillo (creative commons license) I have talked about alcoholism and death several times and recently when Jane kept falling over on a hard floor when completely drunk. She did this after coming back from hospital for an operation that should never have happened. Well she just got drunk again and just fell over again. I'd gone out to get some food. She had already started a mini-binge the evening before. I could tell because she was happy and then sleepy and then her bedroom smelt of the bl**dy stuff. I don't mean the smell of Vodka out of a bottle but the smell of processed Vodka in air after it has been drunk and comes out in the breath. I know it all too well. Anyway, I walk into the flat and at that very moment she is staggering into the kitchen looking for food. She staggers towards the fridge, opens it, looks in, turns and trips. She smashes all the cat food on the floor to the four corners of the kitchen, falls towards the living room and collapse...

photo by chrisjohnbeckett Do you want to know how alcoholism kills? By alcoholics putting themselves into situations that are dangerous. Eventually if you do it enough times you'll get badly hurt or worse. Take Jane. She went to hospital after a binge (usual stuff). Got diagnosed with appendicitis (incorrectly). Had a botched operation. Had two more to repair the first. Got a massive scar down the middle of the stomach. Got signed of work for at least 6 weeks after leaving hospital, where she was for two weeks. She almost got killed in hospital. She gets bored because she can't do anything because of the operation. She drinks when she is bored. She get blind drunk with a weeping gaping wound in her belly (the healing scar). She gets out of bed for food blind drunk. She falls over on a hard floor. She gets knocked out. She goes back to bed. She gets up again about 12 hours later to go to the toilet. She falls over again and gets knocked out. Both times she could have been ki...

Photo by Stefano Liboni Here's a bit of alcoholism madness . I'll keep this short because it makes me too mad. Jane came out of hospital a week ago with a 12" long scare that would take a month to heal for an operation she shouldn't have had - read the beginning of the story here . Anyway what does she do back home? She won't eat properly, never has but she lost weight in hospital and needs to eat more than usual to build back muscle and heal her scar and get energy to allow her to get back to normal. She eats less than the stray cat I feed, Timmy (seriously). She shits less than him too. Worse, she starts drinking neat Vodka and takes to the bed, which is where she is right now. She's been there for the day and the previous night, she denies drinking (when she can speak) but has a bottle of Vodka next to her. She gets up to have a pee and falls over nearly killing herself as there is hard flooring in the flat (apartment). She fell over about 3 years ago an...

Photo by Giant Sloth This is another short post on alcoholism and death as Jane gets nearer than most to it some of the time. She has been out of hospital for about 4 days now. She is very poorly still. The surgeons screwed up the operation to remove an appendix that didn't need removing because Jane was in hospital with stomach pains as a result of an alcoholic binge. Surgeons have to play safe and they removed a healthy appendix because a bad one can kill. The trouble was they admit to cutting an artery, which bled internally for 4 days before they inspected with keyhole surgery. The original operation was done with keyhole surgery too. The third operation was done the old fashioned way and has left a 12 inch wound down the middle of her stomach which is very painful. It bleeds and oozes and causes a lot of discomfort. At one time in hospital I thought she might not come out. She shouldn't have gone in. If you're an alcoholic you can find yourself in the above situat...

photo by Laura Mary This is one of my alcoholism stories . It shows how alcoholism can kill in so many different ways and most of them are not direct (i.e. alcohol poisoning). Jane had a mini binge about 2 weeks ago. It lasted 4 days. As usual she became sick when she came off the vodka. She became extremely anxious as usual and her stomach was highly irritated as it would be after pouring neat vodka into it without any food to help soak it up. She called a doctor at about 10 pm who as far as I can tell refused to come out. She called an ambulance, which came about an hour after being called. She was taken to a local hospital. She called me at 5:45 am the next morning to say that she had been diagnosed with appendicitis. I was surprised as there was no sign or symptoms of this beforehand. She had an operation shortly afterwards. I did some research on the appendicitis and found out that one symptom is sickness and another is abdominal pain both of which Jane had after a binge. Anyw...

Alcoholism Pictures (1) - guess what this is? - Yes the sick she throws up when making herself sick after a binge. She does this she says as it alleviates the feeling of sickness. She does though have anti-sickness pills. It is more than just about alleviating a feeling. It is borderline bulimia and a form of self inflicted punishment for doing wrong. Here's a couple of Alcoholism Pictures that pretty much sum up Jane's last mini binge. Despite: (a) Recently starting a new job that took about 8 months to find (b) Being cash strapped so a loss of job would be very bad news for her (c) Being scheduled to start a course on Monday, which is important in her new job (d) Being supposedly ill the 11 days prior to and during the last binge (e) Facing the prospect of me moving out with my cat (she loves my cat, more than me) She still went ahead and had a mini binge lasting about 3 days in which she consumed the usual large quantity of alcohol, about 2 bottles of Vodka and 3-4 bottle o...